Reasons you will hate me

Why I probably shouldn't be allowed near children, part 82 in a series.

Boy #1: Can my dog Lulu play with your dog?



Me: Um - I don't know. My dog sometimes fights with other girl dogs.



Boy #1: How can she tell that it's another girl dog?



Me: I'm not sure. I guess it's when they get up close and sniff each other's bums. They get a fair front row view, so....



Boy #1: Heh.



Me: Yeah.



Boy #1: Bum sniffing.



Me: Yeah, I know.



Boy #1: Our other dog Bunny? She sometimes goes up to Lulu's bum and licks it.



Me: Right.



Boy #2: Right after Lulu's done a poo.



Me: That's not very nice, is it?



Boy #1: No.



Me: Then again, you never know. It might be great. It might taste like chocolate.



Boy #1: (looking rightfully dubious) Poo?



Me: Possibly. I doubt I'll ever find out, though.



Boy #2: Why not?



Me: Because it might not taste like chocolate. It might taste like poo. And then I will have licked poo.



*thoughtful silence*



Boy #1: But what if it tastes like chocolate?



Me: I'm not sure I'm game to delve deeper. How about you try first and then tell me?



Boy #1: (riding bike in opposite direction) No thank you.



*longer pause*



Boy #2: Do you want to know what flavour chocolate I ate today?



Me: What?



Boy #2: Coconut.



*longest pause yet*



Me: .....cool.

110 comments.

It takes a nation of neologists.

So considering the amount of half-baked words I make up on this website and considering there's very little to discuss on radio between the hours of 6 and 7am, this morning we did a 'callout' (that's a technical broadcasting term, people) for budding neologists to share their fantastical creations and here are my favourites via the text line:


2008-05-08 06:33 Airline food, low in delicium yet high in disgorbian. Whats the atomic weight of Delicium? Otherwise, cramstipation, where you really have to study, but just cant


I love 'delicium'. When we spoke to this guy on the phone he said 'it should pretty much be on the periodic table' and everyone in the studio had a private swoon.



2008-05-08 07:15 Specifilexia. People who cant say specific and annoyingly say pacific instead


Yes, but if they're already struggling with the word 'specific' it seems somewhat unlikely that they'll be grammatically together enough to apologise for their rather severe case of Specifilexia. Still, nice word.



2008-05-08 07:15 Ampertunity, ample opportunity.


I love this because it sounds like something George Bush would roll out in one of those HAY GUYS WE TOTALLY WON THE OVERSEAS BLOW-UP GAME speeches he tends to make on warships or landing strips or other such butch locations - ie 'We gave Saddam ampertunity to reveal the location of his Nintendo Wii but he wouldn't so we hanged him on a rope.'



2008-05-08 07:18 My family makes up lots me words.like coombi as in "coombi stuffed". So we say "i got the coombi's" when we an't be bothered. And jacobi as in "you could be" "Jacobi joking." My name is patrick orlando.


It's so comforting to know that other dorkus families while away the hours playing nerdy word games. Also: the rather formal introduction at the end of this text is very pleasing. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Patrick Orlando.



2008-05-08 06:33 Brang which is when u bring something


No it isn't. It's when you're verbally challenged and you veer towards robust statements like LOOK GRANDMA I BRANG YOU A CAKE.



2008-05-08 07:17 Splashterbate. Fun in the bath. Jason.


Evocative and to the point, young man. Though I can't see myself heading home with anyone who has invited me to partake in such an activity during an evening out.



2008-05-08 07:20 gool = the median between good and cool


Gool doesn't = the median between good and cool. It = a patent misspelling of the word 'ghoul' and should therefore not be encouraged.




2008-05-08 07:18 Sexy time meaning you got lucky, please can i have the presets tickets i have been trying all week.. Claire


STOP PLAYING YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.



2008-05-08 07:15 Mamdog means someone has done something really good or big- rowan from frankston


I can't imagine this catching on despite Rowan's convincing tone, to be honest.


Me: Gather round, friends and countrymen! I have created an oversized wooden horse inside which we can all hide. Pray tell, what do you make of my life's work?


Greek soliders: Mamdog!





2008-05-08 07:22 Hey my names Jarrod my made up word is pussdog. u call someone a pussdog when there being a dick and wont do somethin for u like goin to the fridge for a beer


*sighs*




2008-05-08 07:25 Divinculate: to make up words to impress people. The word being an example of its definition. I made it up at school years ago.


'The word being an example of its definition'. He actually texted this in. Ladies, form an orderly queue.



2008-05-08 07:27 My wife calls my penis a choonki loonki and her vagina a bagoongi. Big sex turn off. Matt


Oh my GOD. This is babytalk plus sexy plus mum and dad plus hell and I think I may never have intercourse again lest I accidentally shout MY BAGOONGI LET ME SHOW YOU IT or something equally as nauseating HELP HELP.

153 comments.

It's where we learn how the young folk converse.

A nice man wrote a story about me for a magazine and yesterday he sent it to me to have a look at. I promised him I wouldn't ask to change a thing, though I did have to remind him that Bob Ellis was a dog and not a cat.



This paragraph is my favourite:

'Her blog about her mother’s choralling was headed
“My mother, the OG”. Turns out that this denotes Original
Gangster, a hip-hop expression she picked up in her new role as part of the breakfast team on the ABC radio’s national youth network Triple J. That is the job that took this thoroughly Melbourne girl to Sydney late last year. And that is where her van disappeared.'

That's what I do on triple J, you see. I pick up hip-hop expressions. Hip-hop expressions and g-unit bling.



It's like working in Compton, but without the drive by shootings and stuff. I'm audi, yo.

124 comments.

If these walls could only bark.

So yesterday I was nursing a reasonably sore head and over the course of the afternoon (there was wine involved) became utterly convinced that I'd heard my dog speak.





Me: Did everyone hear that? Bob Ellis just said 'meat'! She said 'meat'! SAY IT AGAIN.



Bob Ellis: ........



Me: 'Meat'. Say it again. 'Meeeat'. 'Meeeeeat.'



Bob Ellis: ........



Hotman: Maybe she just got an upset stomach.



Me: She did not just get an upset stomach. She spoke. She said 'meat'. She is a very intelligent dog.



Hotman: If she's so intelligent, why does she eat her own poo?



Me: DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU'VE TRIED IT, WISEY.





*****************



Anyway, because I have a great deal of time on my hands I searched for talking dogs on You Tube and found the following little slices of heaven to share with you. Please note these canines speak with varying degrees of success. Please also note that I am an imbecile.








Creepy? Absolutely. But kind of winsome at the same time. If the Olsen twins were dogs they would look like this.








This dog isn't officially talking, but the animal is in possession of such a richly comedic head I felt duty bound to share. Also: that noise would annoy the fucking shit out of you if you lived near a busy intersection.








This is what 'I love you' would sound like if you slept next to a nine-year-old boy possessed by Satan and held a gun to his head in the mornings demanding his affection. Christ. Everyone in the audience is acting like this dog is really quite sweet but CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FUCKING LISTEN.








See, if your dog is going to talk you'd probably want it to sound like this whilst gazing at you with those dreamy Bowie eyes. Let's also all agree that the lady with the camera is the living definition of lonely. I'm happy to sound like a repetitive deranged idiot when I talk to my dog, but you won't catch me filming myself and putting it up on the internet.







This one is my all time favourite, not least because Prince's owner closely resembles Morten Harket from A-ha living out a secret life as a rockabilly plumber.








And this is what we like to call in the talking-dog world 'clutching at straws'. This canine does not say 'I love you'. He does not say 'I don't want to'. He says 'raor raor raor' and then gets a biscuit. HE MOST CERTAINLY ALSO DOES NOT SAY 'ERIC CLAPTON' AND PLEASE EXPLAIN WTF YOU WERE THINKING ASKING HIM TO SAY THESE WORDS AND WHY THANK YOU.

82 comments.

Standard interviewer don't's.

Things it's probably best not to do in the preceding fortnight before interviewing someone you find musically and physically rather dishy:




1. Announce to the world/office/major friendship circle that you've been having erotic anxiety dreams about them.


This is relatively private. Must you really arrive breathlessly in the communal kitchen and tell everyone within earshot about your nocturnal adventures racing through starry-skied dreamscapes with your interviewee to be? I think not. Go and make yourself a cup of tea and be quiet and that way when it comes time for the interview you won't have eighteen hundred of your co-workers grinning through the window at you and giving you the thumbs up.



2. Stroll the streets of Sydney listening to some of their songs on repeat.


It will only make you nervously regard them as musically remarkable. You need to start the interview on an even keel. If you have been listening to their voice with your eyes closed THEY HAVE A DISTINCT ADVANTAGE DO YOU NOT SEE.





3. Find a magazine with a copy of their face on the cover and rip a hole where their mouth is pictured and stick your tongue through it.


An addendum: don't leave it on your desk where they may walk past and look at it with an increasing sense of alarm. There is a chance they may call security. You don't want this.




4. Imitate their amusing speaking voice on national radio.


You do realise a portion of people listen to this and there's a chance that you saying HAHA LISTEN TO HIS SWEET AND FUNNY KERMIT THE FROG VOICE will be reported back to him? Use your fucking head, for god's sake.




5. Be a pink-cheeked twit.


Dear Julian from the Presets, I'm sorry I got all tongue-tied this morning and stared at my lap when you came in to be quizzed on your upcoming shows. I am a goof. You smell nice and I still think four songs on your new record are very pretty. With love from ms fits.

90 comments.

Rallying the troops.

*ring ring*






'Yep.'








'Buzzcocks! It's The Doctor.'







'Oh. Hello.'






'How's tricks? Heard the cheese have been on your back about that chair thing.'






'Well...yeah. Kind of.'






'On the QT, I think that shit is hilarious. Be honest, had she let fluffy off the chain? Staff meetings tend to rumble my guts a little too, LOL.'






'..........'






'My advice is you should stick to the ol' 'pull my finger' trick. Women love that stuff.'







'..........'






'Anyway, just wanted to call you up and let you know that if you're looking for support, I'm your guy. Just remember who's got your back. The Doc, that's who! Am I right or am I right?'






'..........'




*beep*






'Hang on, I've got another call coming through.'



*beep*






'The Doctor is in.'







'Brendan, it's John again. This is getting ridiculous. Why won't you return my calls?'






'..........'





'Hello?'






'BRB.'



*beep*





'Lightyear, you still there? It's Brendan.'






'..........'






'Hello?'





'..........'


*beep*






'Brendan?'





'...........'



*beep*





'Buzz?'





'..........'





'..........'


*beep*





'.........'


*beep*





'.........'



*beep*





'....hello?'

53 comments.

Razzle Spazzle.

Look, it's not as though I don't feel a smidgen sorry for professional Pauline Hanson lover Todd McKenney and his accidentally passing out in parklands. But did the SMH really have to use this picture to illustrate his drug-addled slide into a morass of depravity?













Honestly. What if he'd been run over by a car, or developed a severe case of rectal cancer? At what point do the picture editors pause for thought and think perhaps a more sombre choice may be in order?

43 comments.