Complete the axis (see Fig. 1)
After sitting through the comic abortion that was The Hot Chick the other night, we started trying to put together the all-important Borne of the 90's American Comedy Axis of Evil. Texts were exchanged. Heated arguments were entered into. But in the end we could not agree on the third 'axe'.
So I am going to put it over to you.
These first two are non-negotiable on pain of death.
Number one:
Rob 'Love me for my adorable mop of hair, ladies!' Schneider.
Granted, Schneider can be mildly amusing when padding out an Adam Sandler film with some kind of ethnic/stoned/gay hambone character. But DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN A MOVIE OF HIS OWN TO CARRY. Nobody - nobody- should ever have felt it a grand idea to make a SEQUEL TO DEUCE BIGALOW, MALE GIGOLO.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS.
I do not care to see him channelling the spirit of teenage girls. I do not care to see him repulsed by poggy spazzers. I do not care to see him ever again.
Number two:
Martin 'Fatty Prosthetics R Us!' Lawrence.
HE IS NEVER GOOD. HE IS NOT GOOD IN BLACK KNIGHT. HE IS NOT GOOD IN 'MARTIN' THE SITCOM. HE IS NOT GOOD IN BAD BOYS. HE WILL NOT BE GOOD IN BIG MOTHERFUCKING MOMMA'S HOUSE TWO*.
*expletives author's own.
So who will join them? We've discussed David Spade, but his work on SNL was pretty fucking killer. Jessculture tried out Pauly Shore, but there's really not much chance of someone making a sequel to Bio-Dome.
Is Will Smith funny or just a priggish nobber in the Men In Black fillums?
I'm willing to add any of the above if you can come up with a convincing argument. TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
749 days til the next election.
Comments
How about Tim Allen? Did anyone actually like the 'toolman'? The Santa Clauses 1 & 2? Jungle 2 Jungle? Joe Somebody?
Anyone?
The Household (TM) were discussing this very topic feverishly last night.
The trouble is, I develop issues with loyalties when a comedian's old stuff is brilliant, even if their new output is shit dipped in vomit and jizzed on by a fat old man with herpes and pubic lice.
I still have a soft spot for Pauly Shore despite putting him forward. Son In Law, anyone?
Plus he was responsible for a movie where everyone's favourite poppet Kylie starred as the fetchingly named Dr. Petra von Kant.
"How about Tim Allen? Did anyone actually like the 'toolman'? The Santa Clauses 1 & 2? Jungle 2 Jungle? Joe Somebody?"
I figured his film work wasn't mainstream enough to put him in the axis but still enjoyed a hearty chuckle Sunday evening when recalling his career. MAN OF THE HOUSE!
That said, he'd fit in nicely in the Television Comedy Dad Axis Of Evil, along with Ray Romano and... who?
If anyone so much as mentions Chris Farley, I'm going to get all Beverly Hills Ninja on y'all.
Is Ray Romano considered '90's'?
Ben Fucking Stiller.
You're a straight man, Ben. You're very good at it. You were a specacular wanker in Reality Bites, a great patsy in There's Something About Mary. Dude, you even coped alright with De Niro in ham mode in Meet The Parents. But you are NOT a funny man. Don't try. Starsky & Hutch - keep it. Dodge Ball - nary a laugh to be found. And the video you did for that barefooted, one-song-repeating, bore-fest hippy surfer cockhead - well, just hurry up and die.
Jess, I've got a semi.
i have my issues with mr. stiller as well, peter. i hated there's something about mary with a passion.
but the sheer brilliance of zoolander renders him immune to criticism of any kind. EVER!
the other guy from 'Bill and Teds'.
But he wasn't in anything else, rogue and not mainstream enough. Evil, yes. Mainstream, no.
What about Mike Myers. Wayne's World 1&2, Austin Powers (admittedly there is some 00's creep with the sequels). Not. Funny. Ever.
When did that tedious fuck, Jim Carey, appear? (Carey? Carrey?)Was that in the '90s? I can't recall.
Oh god this is HARD...so many bad 90's comedy guys to choose from...i'm with Elaine: I never understood how the whole world fucking adored that Mike Myers fuckr and I just wanted to slap his annoying face really, really hard.
...and can't go Ben cause of Zoolander as well.
Tim Allen was good in the early days when he was on coke...my votes Mike.
But... So I Married An Axe Murderer! SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER, PEOPLE!
PS: Peter - I love trucks!
Surely Adam Sandler must be credited with the whole 90s 'complete fucking cretin as loveable loser comes good' routine. Look at this array of steaming turds;
The Animal
Little Nicky
Big Daddy
The Waterboy
The Wedding Singer (hearts Drew though)
Happy Gilmore
Billy Madison
He's gone on to do more meritorious work but I fully blame him for Schneider, Stiller, et al
I totally agree with la nadine and sublime, Stiller is immune due to Zoolander.
My two cents worth is with mscynic's call, Jim Carrey. The amount of absolute shit he has pumped out, he has earned a axis.
Tom Green
What about schwartznegger?
"It is not a tumor!"
No, but it is a fucking shit movie you hack.
Has anyone noticed the shite eddie murphy vomits out now? Is he immune?
Macaulay Culkin ?
or John Hughes. He wrote the most shit films, including:
Home ALone (all 5 of the fuckers)
Beethoven (all 5 of the stupid things)
Curly Sue
many others
unfortunately he also was responsible for THE best brat pack films of the 80's (almost all of them)
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000455/
DJKL says:
Stiller and Myers and Carrey are all immune in my book, for reasons already stated.
Surely Adam Sandler has to be considered? I mean he does have a couple of OK films (eg Happy Gilmore) but then he has this penchant for totally rubbish "speech impediment" films (Littel Nicky, Waterboy), and he is solely responsible for Rob S being where he is today.
My other nomination would be Chris Tucker for his roles in Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. But he may not be in enough stuff to be an actually axe.
SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER IS DA BEST!
thats all.
Everyone suggested - even Shore - is too talented (despite their faults) to be on a list with Lawrence and Schneider.
Sean William Scott maybe?
Waynes World one is genius!
The sequel sucked hard though. And Myers now sucks in general. Which draws my attention to a common problem. The 'once funny comedian'.
Stiller annoys the crap out of me now. Owen Wilson is wearing out his welcome too. Both of them are funny... but are overexposed and have gotten lazy. Will Ferrel is headed in this direction too.
I'm with MsCynic.. Jim Carey is atrocious. So much so it took me a long time to delve into Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, which OBVIOUSLY i am glad i did as it is a brilliant film. But therein lies the difference. For once he wasn't TRYING to be amusing and before too long I could actually forget it was him and carry on enjoying the film.
But in everything else he blows.
Dxxxx
Yes and Ben Stiller wins immunity 4evs for Zoolander.
jeff daniels
He's just taken a comedic "turn" (though I had a bit of a fucking turn myself) and showed that while he can carry the broody mono-syllabic action hero, he can't carry a whole comedy on his ownsome.
Take a bow- Vin Diesel.
http://imdb.com/name/nm0004874/
(check it out- the Vin has cast and directed himeslf as Hannibal- as in the elephant rider- not the people eater. He's also starring in "Rockfish"... a film with the one line plot: "A man on an alien planet quests to catch an elusive giant fish.")
Where Tom Hanks reinvented himself as a "serious" actor post "Bachelor Party", The Vin is going all "Kindergarten Cop" with his sterling performance in "The Pacifier".
if you need any more proof about the realness of the Diesel see:
http://2prolly.com/diesel/
werd muthas.
Tr
Seann William Scott
Being of Generation X I'm leaning towards your Chevy Chases, your Rodney Dangerfields, your Eddie Murphys...
Brendan Fraser?
Steve Guttenburg?
Adam Sandler? (Although I did like him in PunchDrunkLove).
This is hard.
I will read the question properly next time. I will read the question properly next time. I will read the question properly next time. I will read the question properly next time. I will read the question properly next time. I will read the question properly next time.
Ben Stiller also gets a pass based on his work with Ricky Gervais in Ep1 of EXTRAS.
Why is Tom Green being glossed over? That man is evil I tell ya.
Leave carey alone.
Irrespective of his comedy (or failings there), his acting in the fantastic Truman show, too self-critical for hollywood to handle, should require he be left off any worst-of-the-seppos list.
Go Tim Allen, he's a bland c*nt.
Or even consider anyone, absolutely anyone, from Friends.
Steve Martin?
Albeit fabulous early stuff but have you seen that movie with Queen Latifah? 'Bringing down the House'.
God. Dear God.
i would also like to second Sandler.
I like how most people are talking about movies not from the 90's.
My money is on Jim Varney, without a doubt. Just from the 90's:
- 7 "Earnest" movies
- 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
- The Beverly Hillbillies
He's dead and I hate to piss off the dead but... those movies...
How many actors made terrible painful comedies that they starred in the 90s but didn't have excellent earlier work?
Surely there isn't that many to choose from?
Who can even remember the 90s?
Does Vanilla Ice from 'Cool As Ice' count? How many movies does one have to be in before they can be part of the Axis of Evil?
Kirsty Alley?
What about Andrew Dice Clay and Dennis Leary?
What is it they say...they only reason Leary got big and Bill Hicks didn't is because 'there is no cure for cancer'. (Hicks died of cancer and Leary released an album around about the same time called 'No Cure for Cancer').
Adam Fucking Sandler! I have blocked him out of my mind successfully but it has been annoying me all day...I knew there was a 90s axis of evil comedy man I hated even more than Mike.
He HAS to be Number 3...even though he did a film with Emily Watson...he gets no Zoolander-type immunity for this.
He should pay for Happy Gilmore. And pay. And pay some more.
Please.
p.s and lay off John Hughes:
Three words: The Breakfast Club.
"What about Andrew Dice Clay and Dennis Leary?"
Andrew Dice Clay?
No, no, no. For all his faults, how can you not adore a man who uttered the line "Are your names Neil and Bob, or is dat juss what you do?"
i'd like to introduce a new horse to the race people...
Danny DeVito
Exhibit (A): Twins
(which i may or may not secretly love...shut up)
Exhibit (B): Look Who's Talking Now
Exhibit (C): Junior
back me up here, back me up!
An each way bet from a comedy trainspotter ...
Dennis Miller - boorish reactionary loudmouth whose grab for the brass ring amounted to ..... a late night talk show on CNBC (subsequently cancelled)
Bill Maher - boorish reflexively PC loumouth (now in the "safe harbour" of the uncensorable HBO)
Danny De Fucking Vito. Yes.
Twins. Junior. WTF??
Most of my opinions are coloured by watching too many Saturday Night Live reruns.
So I can't second David Spade, Chris Farley or Eddie Murphy (solely based on Buckwheat) regardless of what they've done since.
Robin Williams used to do amazing stand-up.... but now??? Although probably qualifies more as 80s than 90s.
My vote:
Paul Reiser (Mad About You) - recently dug up to star with Peter Falk in 'The Thing About My Folks'. Horrendous.
My vote goes to Adam Sandler. Why? Three reasons.
1. I can't vote for Will Smith, it would be unfair seeing as he will be taking out such honours as 80's black sitcom star, turned musician, turned horrible HORRIBLE movie star Axis of Evil. Although star does stretch the friendship a little bit.
2. Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore. Why must they ALWAYS show these two movies together and why must the other stations NEVER try to put something better on when this apocalypse occurs?
3. I can't vote for Elen, because technically, she's not a man. Although apparently she likes her lovers to think she is.
Emma Thompson's work in Junior should be used as a warning to future generations.
Also, her work on Kenneth Branagh can be used as a contraceptive.
BRENDAN FRASER
Here's why:
Bedazzled (Crap remake AND he's not funny)
Dudley Do-Right (He managed to ruin the concept of Mounties AND he's not funny)
George of the Jungle (He can't act)
Airheads (Did I mention he can't act?)
Mrs. Winterbottom (A Ricki Lake vehicle?! Puhleaz!? They BOTH can't act and he's not funny!)
Danny de Vito- same answer as Carey.
May be an annoying comic, but is a very good actor, and from all appearances a real nice chappy off screen too.
I can't believe two words weren't immediately on everyone's lips here: "Chris Tucker". I think anonymous hit it on the head.
So the Rush Hours weren't irritating enough for you, how about the worst performance by an actor since... well, anything by Lara Flynn Boyle? I give you "The Fifth Element".
Need we say any more?
People, stick to the ERA: It's nineties, not eighties!
Surely the axis of evil bad comedy men of the 90's means they must symbolise this decade...
Danny de Vito: eighties!
Brendan Fraser: 2000's.
And I second Medusa, why the networks do this to us repeatedly is some sort of torture device I think.
And Will Smith, I'm sorry but I will always have a soft spot for the Fresh Prince even though I will never see any of his movies.
Paul Reiser: extremely annoying but not big enough.
We need someone who really has put a giant sludge on the world of film.
Jim Carrey, no argument.
Witness:
THE MASK
DUMB AND DUMBER
BATMAN FOREVER
LIAR LIAR
ACE VENTURA 2: WHEN NATURE CALLS
ME MYSELF AND IRENE
Dear viewers, don't kill me here with your envious vibing and that, but one evening in New York, I was in licking distance of NOT ONE, BUT TWO (2) Villains of Comedy:
1. Chevy I'M AN ELONGATED BOLLOCK WITH A COMBOVER Chase, and....
2. The CANTANKEROUS OLD MAGGOT from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
That's right! I was there! In a room! With them! Both! At the same time!
But they're far too addled with has-beenism to be on the Axis of Evil. I vote for Sandler. For sheer overexposure & for his multiple dumbo-schmaltz "comedy" offences.
xoxox nora
I can't believe no-one's mentioned:
Damon Wayans.
And his whole family with him. Any film with the name "Wayans" on it is a gauranteed piece of shit for my money (and that includes Requiem for a Dream).
Ben Stiller is piss funny. No argument there. Royal Tenebaums, Zoolander, Meet the Parents, the dance off from Starsky & Hutch.
Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura = immunity.
Eddie Murphy from the 90s - Bowfinger and Boomerangm much tougher call agree BUT before that was Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop and SNL. Immunity.
Adam Sandler - The Wedding Singer was good but good but an aberation = axis.
I hate Jim Carey in EVERYTHING. I haven't seen everything he's been in due to the simple fact that I can't stand to watch him .... but, that's becasue he's so utterly wretched ...logic aside .. hate him hate him hate him hate him ... ate im him hate mumble mumble swoon.....
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