Reasons You Will Hate Me

A farewell to arms.

2008-05-26T00:00:00+10:00

I started this blog on June 3rd, 2004. I was 28 years old.

Today is my birthday and I am turning 32 and I have decided after no small amount of soul-searching that it's time to graciously step aside and take an indefinite rest from the site.

There's no one particular thing that has led me to this decision. RYWHM has evolved over the years from anonymous rantings by a wild-eyed moron read by pretty much nobody to rather public dissertations by a wild-eyed moron commented upon by a not uninteresting variety of faceless onlookers, and it's been a fairly interesting ride. Though I'm not unhappy with the depth and breadth of current passerby I feel that the present model has probably run its course and it's time for me to focus my writing elsewhere. I have other blog projects at whispering stage and wish to spend the second half of the year reading, sleeping, drinking wine, taking trips in my van, and hopefully knocking together some sort of junkyard novel. It is my sneaking suspicion that perhaps reducing the amount of mind-numbing political photo based ring-rings and scouring the newspapers for vacuous crap to tear apart each day may lead to some more productive work, though this is of course all speculative at this stage.

I could come off like a slightly hysterical Oscar winner here and thank myriad helpful-type folks who have pitched in and made life easier for a technological retard like myself over the years, but I'd undoubtedly forget someone and have a drink thrown over me in a fit of pique at the next blogger drinks. If you held my hand in some way since RYWHM's inception, I am deeply grateful. Thank you.

Throughout my time poking about the blogosphere I have come across more than a few bad apples and experienced a handful of hair-raisingly vicious shoot-outs, but to be honest in the long run they're not the incidents or people I'll remember. It's the new and exciting friendships with fascinating, creative marvels, the warm, witty and engaging anonymous commenters leading me to endless hours of link-following procrastination, the soul-baring confessors, the as-yet undiscovered writers, the breathlessly entertaining minds. How lucky I feel to have met you, even if just through your words.

Most of all I thank you for reading. I may have infuriated you, puzzled you, called you names, forced you to throw things at your computer and generally made a nuisance of myself but I do hope that at some point over the past four years I have managed to entertain you. It has been entirely my pleasure and I am richer for the challenge.

I remain, humbly yours,

Marieke Josephine Hardy.

Friday q and a #94, part b.

2008-05-23T00:00:00+10:00

Oh Friday questions, you came and you gave without taking, or so I am led to believe. I have been having a suitably colourful time of it, and am quietly reveling in heady autumnal gusts and moody roamings. Never a dull moment, is there? Not when you're game enough to tackle a few queries head on, I suppose....foolish or brave, you be the judge.

Grablé said...
My question is:

Kylie or Dannii?

Kylie. Did I mention yet that I went to her 21st birthday party? No? I'm sure I dropped that name awkwardly somewhere on the floor here previously. Also Dannii's head looks like a tupperware bowl. Case closed.

Big Matt Stud said...
Now this is going to get awkward, as you currently have two Q&A's outstanding - the second half of #93, and the still un-answered #94. Just pointing out the procedural difficulties.

The pressure, the pressure....

You're telling me, boyo. I'm not even sure which way's up and which way's down anymore. Wait 'til I'm forced to release the Friday q and a Omnibus, V0l 1. At that point you will be able to say 'I knew her when' and all your colleagues will say 'Knew who?' and stare into their cup-a-soups with puzzled expressions.

oh, louisa! said...
Oh my goodness, that enormous 'rang called you "darlin'"!! I was quite incredibly excited for you; are you beside yourself?

You are of course referring to Sir Josh Homme, of Queens Of The Stone Age infamy, and may I say I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE ELSE HEARD HIM CALL ME DARLIN DURING THAT PARTICULAR INTERVIEW AS FOR A MOMENT THERE I FELT I MAY HAVE DREAMED IT.

How would you feel if that man-mountain looked you directly in the eye and called you Darlin? You'd feel very nice in your pants area, that's what. Take my word for it.

Anonymous said...
“ Oh my goodness, that enormous 'rang called you "darlin'"!!"

Yes, well, I’d be interested to know what ms fits was wearing during this tête-à-tête. Good god how I am jealous.

I was wearing this dress

but with a neckerchief and more fulsome boobies.

beck said...
what on earth do you mean tactile with our josh?

I mean that he clutched at me for a photograph and I immediately added it to my Facebook so that the world could witness our fleeting affection. Said photograph has since been replaced by more recent Presets action, though. I appear to be easily distracted.

The Last Scientician said...
I am so pleased my question was first. I only ever read that one, anyway. Not really, but I do get a bit concerned (actually a little bored, really) with the ones asking what is the right thing to do in a relationship situation.

In all my years of scientistical evaluation of relationships, both my own and those near to me, I am yet to come across two that were even similar enough to make a reasonable comparison.

I know, there are some universal rules, like don't be a cunt to each other, but beyond that, do you think asking a third party, completely removed from a situation for advice regarding possible courses of actions is fruitful?

I think, what I mean is, without knowing the true situation from both sides, and the surrounding circumstances leading up to the relationship and current troublespots, and the personalities of both persons involved, do you think any advice offered will be helpful?

I'm clearly not having a go, Fits, because I know you live to give &c. Just curious.

I don't know. I suppose in some ways it's a comfort to discuss your issues without someone completely removed from the situation - this is why god invented psychologists, friends. And any advice can be useful if it unlocks the key for communication between troubled souls. I try to give relationship q's particular attention on these posts when they're proffered to me, at the very least because they deserve a semblance of respect and care. Whether my ramblings make any shred of difference is arguable. Why do people discuss their problems on mess and noise? It's a step away from the mundanity of the known, perhaps.

Fair point, though.

Anonymous said...
sometimes it helps to hear a completely anonymous, un-biased person express an opinion on what bothers you.

it's harmless and it's free.

and it's nice.

See? I'm cost-efficient and nice. I knew I had some good qualities in there somewhere.

Rustique said...
What is the right thing to do in a relationship?

Buy Toblerones and discover new music together.

Alternatively:

The Last Scientician said...
Don't be a cunt to each other.

You'd think that rule would be relatively easy to follow. It's not for some.

swy said...
Gah, c-bombs avast!!! Haven’t you seen Atonement? You are inviting angst and ruin into your lives.

I need to speak French right now. Where are the croissants…

*twirls moustache*

I have seen Atonement, yes. Are you saying I'm inviting angst and ruin into my life because it's a bit of an insipid piece of dribble, or because I'm rather partial to the oddly well-placed c-bomb? Either way suits.

Ben said...
You must admit, Scientician, the value of asking advice stems from the fact that a lot of relationship questions boil down to:

a) I like being a cunt to my partner. Can you tell me this is OK?

or

b) My partner is being a cunt to me. This is OK, right?

Poor swy is going to be in quite the feverish state after all this rampant dropping of c-bombs. I fear for his wellbeing. SOMEONE FETCH SMELLING SALTS IMMEDIATELY.

Anonymous said...
I kissed a liberal. There may or may not be a chance i'll do it again...

NOW what do i do?

Good for you, Anon. Those poor darlings need a bit of a cheering up at the moment considering the amount of staggeringly inept misfiring they've been partaking in since last November. I can't say I'm in a flag-waving hurry to stick my tongue in the mouth of anyone who's prepared to stand up in public and say NO NO YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG BRENDAN IS SIMPLY MISUNDERSTOOD AND ON THE PATH TO GREATNESS but I don't condemn others for doing so. Just you carry on being rampant with your kissing, open-minded young man or lady.

Ruby Keeler said...
Is it just me or do you find when a newsreader says something about "the government" or "the prime minister" there's still a split second when your hackles go up, before you remember there's been a change of government?

Oh yes, all the time. And isn't it a wonderful moment when you remember with a start that almost six months ago that wee little fuckface fell on his sword and for a brief, perfect moment everything was right with the world? I was listening to Dan Kelly's Drunk On Election Night on my ipod yesterday and experienced an intense rush of pleasure up and down my arms when I recalled exactly what that particular Saturday evening felt like. Gosh, winning can be lovely sometimes.

We're not alone:

audrey said...
Ruby Keeler - yes, oh yes! Even worse/better - I work as a media monitor and we have macros set up for frequently used names. It still delights me no end that typing in KR and pressing space brings up our new PM, while typing in JH brings nothing but empty white space and relief.

Empty white space is about all ol' JWH has left these days. Have a heart.

Actually, fuck it. Don't. He never bothered, why should we?

Fenz said...
Ruby Keeler said...
Is it just me or do you find when a newsreader says something about "the government" or "the prime minister" there's still a split second when your hackles go up, before you remember there's been a change of government?

OH YES! I was beginning to think old age was catching up on me, or perhaps we're both on the decline!! ;)

That's four of us wallowing down here now, Fenz. Pass the tinned asparagus.

basil seal said...
to butnotassexyasjoseramoshortammmncatholicpriests

welcome to c-town. recommendations include lunch at silo (sure, the bakery and cheese room are good, but the lunch time winelist is a fantastic way to take the edge off afternoon tutorials/branch meetings, &c.)

pheonix. monday nights

espresso: ground floor, aon building.

cheap asian: dickson. (two sisters = nice laotian)

botanical gardens. ace

questacon. take your friends, and a hip flask. it's ace.

and finally, a question for ms fits

mr nelson?

Are you implying that the gentleman above resembles our friendly neighbourhood Hell's Angel Doctor N? Cheeky. I can't imagine he'd have the time at the moment to knock up a postcard or two for Post Secret, though give everybody's pal Malcolm a couple of months and poor old Brendan will most likely be signing up for CAE classes or shooting hoops with Mark Latham. Remember him? Good times.

04/04/08 said...
Do you like word games miss fits?
This is a lovely and addictive word game that give rice to hungry people who eat rice.
http://www.freerice.com/

now you've had a play, what do you think?

I do like word games, very much. How ever did you guess?

Your particular game wins points because it creates the illusion that sitting at a computer patting oneself on the back for being a cleverdick will somehow feed the starving. Remarkable. Also: 'chanterelle' is a mushroom. Who knew that? I certainly didn't.

Simon said...
Would you nominate one brand of gin over the others? I'm working a thin tie/coloured appliances/have 3 martinis after work and belittle my partner thing, but still looking for the right crisp and perfumed gin.

I'm glad that you were able to enjoy some real Melbourne autumn.

Oh, so was I. I was happily in Melbourne again last weekend and my beloved friend Lee Lee took me to the old hospital building on Victoria Parade overlooking the Exhibition Gardens and the colours were so beautiful I ached all over.

I miss home.

In terms of gin I'm very much an admirer of Tanqueray 10, though the darling and erudite Book Grocer came a'visiting up north a couple of weeks ago and left as a thank-you-for-letting-me-soil-your-sheets gift an intriguing-looking bottle of Hendrick's which looks like it should be kept under the sink in an apothecary and brought out only to frighten sailors like thusly

Doesn't it seem exciting? I shall let you know when we've cracked it open and sampled its heady wares.

BEVIS said...
Do you know where I left my keys?

On the hallway sideboard, though they fell off and are currently wedged between the wall and the floor.

BorisBC said...
So you want some tips on Canberra? Hmm, it's a great place to live, but I'm not sure you'd want to visit there.
Bad jokes aside, it's great if you like monuments - the War Memorial is a fantastic, sobering place, and the placement with regards to Parliament House is great as well. So those in power are forever reminded of the cost of their decisions.

The whole area around is the lake (National Museum, Questacon, National Library, High Courts) is magnificent too. Clubs wise, Civic is the place, even if it's not listed on any maps. But it's the city. Stay away from Mooseheads unless you like drunken ADFA types. Food wise, Kingston and Manuka are the biz, but there are great places all over town. Enjoy.

No-one told me how spectacularly picturesque Canberra was in the enticing throes of mid Autumn. Truly a sight to behold. Aside from that I didn't witness much except the inside of taxicabs and the back of Saul Eslake's head. Both very pleasing, may I add.

Dominio said...
@ butnotassexyasjoseramoshortammmncatholicpriests

Welcome to canberra :)
The first thing to know is that ANU is the bomb. The second thing to know is that its colder than melbourne and we don't have very good heating.
Its easy to meet people in Canberra, cause no one is really *from* Canberra, so everyone's out to make new friends. Plus everyone in Canberra is kinda interesting and at least semi-intellectual (everyone else leaves cause the party scene blows).

It may take a while to work out what's going on, but don't dispair, it really is a pretty decent place to live (I'm comparing to Sydney, Melbourne, Hong Kong and Beijing).

Best thing about Canberra: the people. Everyone here is doing something cool, and its a very international city (meaning people from lots of places, and many people are involved in international events).

Worst thing: well there's lots of crappy things. Coming from Melbourne you'll probably be pissed off about the trading hours of cafes on weekends.

A final warning: Rent and food are more expensive.
Actually, its really hard to find somewhere to live, so start looking early. Just saying.

This really is a beginner's guide to our nation's capital, isn't it? Didn't we mention something a few months ago about compiling RYWHM's best travel tips into some kind of Lonely Planet-esque instruction manual? I could make a fucking fortune here. UR TALES OF ROAMING GIVE ME TEHM.

Dominio said...
ps. The small gig music scene here is pretty ok, although small. The place to start is, without doubt, Phoenix bar in (wait for it)... the Melbourne Building (actually, it could be the Sydney Building: they look the same and I can never remember which is which).

Thank you, Dominio. I shall pillage accordingly.

Andyderz said...
Ms. Fits are you aware Andrew Bolt is claiming credit for making you the "deeper finer, more reflective" person you are today? I refer to this: http://blogs.news.com.au/heraldsun/andrewbolt/index.php/heraldsun/comments/i_made_this_marieke_hardy/#commentsmore

Yes, I was made aware of this. He really does seem to think about me more than is healthy. I hope his lovely wife isn't put out - I'd hate to be the target of one of her searingly insightful and astonishingly well-written columns.

Tim said...
Warning! Inane article in Sydney Morning Herald to lead to flood of comments on blog!
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/if-the-name-fits-133/2008/04/05/1207249476408.html

Inane article due to inane blog/ger, so fair play and so on. Comments on RYWHM seem to ebb and flow with the tides, anyway. Does anyone remember the young conservatives coming to play? That was an entertaining week or two.

melba said...
canberra, we were there over easter. it's true, very hard to find accomm, let alone reasonably priced. we looked at everything, from driving a winnebago from melbs to caravan parks in dickson. final place - best and cheapest - were apartments at the anu. comfortable and convenient, it was the way to go. email me if you want details, or are you staying in some fancypants place paid for by kev?

eating around civic is depressing - try manuka but it's all so expensive. if you want to eat in a tram, go to the dickson shops, somewhere around there is a club with a tram. but a member has to sign you in i think.

also do go to the art gallery - exhibition at the moment from turner to monet is glorious. don't expect the gallery to be big, it's way small. i was surprised.

Oh! I went to that exhibition! I was lucky enough to sit down with Sir Bob Ellis (human) and discuss literature for a giddy hour or so, which proved rather more intoxicating than the art on offer considering my penchant for his blistering prose. Very nice ladies working in that particular place of employment may I add.

Godless Pinko said...
completely unrelated: but: i clicked on pollichick.org link and it looks like its been nabbed by some petty bourgeoise domain trader type person. I have had my fair share of runnings in with the law, just prepare a big worded "Cease and Desist" letter and get your domain back.

I think that's fixed now, thanks to one of my many friendly web-men. The petty bourgeoise can go find someone else to bother.

squib said...
Canberra is the only state where they have paper towels in the public toilets. That was quite a highlight for me

I do appreciate a fellow traveller's love of all things simple-minded, squib. My favourite thing about public toilets is the free candy.

Rhapsody said...
So I followed the link Andyderz posted here and came across this comment from "doc molloy of brisbane":

"The little viper cum vixen, the darling cutie-pie of the fashionista left literary brigade all venom but no nous. You wonder how she would have gotten on if she wasn’t old commie Frank’s Granddaughter?
Some pedigree…"

Oh
My
God.

Well, you do tend to get that kind of thing around here. Although I feel my cutie-pie days are certainly numbered. Nice of Doc Molloy to still rate me, though.

Anonymous said...
i've gotten to level 45 on free rice.

anyone else?

I can't remember what level I got to because I started answering these questions three days ago and the browser window isn't open anymore. I'm happy for us all to go head-to-head, though. Bags me wear a unitard and rubber mask combo and refer to myself very loudly and publicly as THE SPELLONATOR.

anonymoz said...
Level 42, will it remember for next time?

Query answered below:

04/04/08 said...
anons you can set your options so it remembers you and your count and the level you finished at last time.
up the top near the faq click on options and follow promts as one would normally :o)
My best level is 36.

Look at us all, learning and feeding the poor! What a marvellously charitable and well-read bunch. Let's stand in a circle and self-congratulate. Ladies bring a plate, etc.

smug vocabber said...
i am the first anonymous, let's call myself smug vocabber.

now my best is 46. i've reached it a couple of times, then my brain wants to explode. and i start making mistakes, ie have no clue what the words are, all my powers are used up.

Yes, it's a bit intense after a while isn't it? It's like Scrabble meets the pokies.

2nd anonymous said...
ta for the tips, 448

(stopped at 42 because it was already way past time to flush and get started with the day

sub-arctic forest got me though ... fell for the distractor)

Wait, you were feeding the poor whilst ON THE TOILET? That has to be some kind of world first.

durutti said...
he fucked it up...

Do you think so? I have a dvd copy of last night's q and a and am curious to see how he fared. I'm still finding him a reasonably personable enough chap. Better than Doctor Detroit, anyways.

melba said...
durutti, he didn't fuck it up. he was just saying to bush "j.ho comes up to here on me"

Oh, this is about that salute isn't it? I remember that. I have been attempting to pass it off as my private smarmy, lonely-at-a-party greeting ever since, with scant success.

James said...
Hi Fits. I'm hungover and have been watching Mr Show clips on youtube all day. Question: Do you watch Mr Show? And if not, watch Mr Show.
This is superb:

I have seen Mr Show, though to be honest at the moment I'm doing very little except pining for Flight of the Conchords and sending hateful thoughts towards that racist grandma lady on Big Brother. Don't knock it til you've tried it; my days are very entertaining.

Sheslta78 said...
Front page of smh.com.au hey? Well Well... Being employed by Fairfax has it's advantages then doesn't it?

Actually, I insisted on front page and shrieked that if they didn't slam my face smack-bang in the middle of the interweb for all to admire I'd take my weekly lightweight overwritten televisual columns elsewhere and they could find some other pigtailed donkey to ride THAT'S RIGHT I'M A MAVERICK.

Ash Mason said...
I must say, I love your voice. Driving to work becomes a blissful pleasure in the morning. Can I marry your voice? Please...

:)

hehehee

You most certainly can, Ash Mason. Although I should make it clear that my voice is somewhat high maintenance and demands to be kept in the fashion to which it has become accustomed. Champagne and honey on tap, please.

Anonymous said...
why do all these deranged nutters who enjoy slinging barbs in ms fits. general direction, always bring up the "frank" connection?

sure, when you find out, you think to yourself, "aaah, ain't that grand" ..... but do you seriously think ms fits. could trade on that for very long?

these nutters seem to have some kinda (jealous) chip on their shoulders and maybe more likely, a complete lack of writing and broadcasting skills.

I don't know, I guess it's an easy argument. Clearly my career as a grumpy, pipe-smoking Communist author and political troublemaker has blossomed solely due to my dining out on his name. When the facade crumbles and people realise I'm simply a left-wing pop-culture humorist and television writer who occasionally troubles the nation's youth during the hours of 6 and 9 am weekdays WON'T I HAVE EGG ON MY FACE.

Kaleu Big said...
Lady fits, I hope this day sees you feeling well

My questions for you are these

Can I have your thoughts on the music of Otis Redding?

And not firstly, my teacher threw to her class this comment”You don’t get in life what you deserve; you get in life what you can negotiate”. I see tall story tellers with lots, and I wonder. Again, I ask for your thoughts?

Yesterday I heard the latest female product commercial .I thought I should share it; I think you also appreciate creator’s ability to instill a WTF response. There latest slogan suggests that females who use their products, should not only just feel confident, they should feel “white skirt confidence”. This magic slogan is bound to get a shake of the head, or a twist of the face. Great work 3 and half stars

Nice seated knee knocking snapshot.

Hello, Kaleu.

1. I love the music of Otis Redding. Utterly, helplessly. His voice unlocks something in my bones and turns me to ash. Also that footage of him singing Satisfaction at Monterey in those shiny green pants is just about the best thing I've ever seen.

2. I'm not sure about that, to be honest. If everyone in life got what they deserved, George W Bush would be unable to walk due to the blisters crowding his dick and Townes Van Zandt would be knighted and celebrated as a god. Whether GWB achieved his role as leader of the universe purely by powers of negotiation is surely arguable. The man can barely spell his own name.

3. I SAW THE WHITE SKIRT CONFIDENCE COMMERCIAL TOO. In future I plan to fill my days with bouts of white skirt confidence strolling and a wee portion of white skirt confidence gymnastics. I will then go to bed with white skirt confidence and suffer nary an iota of white skirt doubt.

Not my computer said...
I wanna see John Barrowman on David Tennant's todger.

Bearing in mind Barrowman's a size queen and there is photographic proof of Tennant's todger, what are my chances?

You want to see him on David Tennant's todger? What do you mean, as in those two gentlemen indulging in a spot of anal? I'm not sure that should they decide to participate in a little leisurely reaming they're necessarily going to record it for public consumption, no matter how nicely you ask.

How does one become a 'size queen', just quietly? Is there some kind of penis-themed Coronation? Gracious.

warren said...
we love you marieke, love your work!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Warren(s), most appreciated. You're also a fan of exclamation marks, it would appear. I'm in esteemed company.

Not my computer said...
A video to assist in the Barrowman/Tennant todger issue:

David Ten-Inch? Are they taking the piss?

diggers said...
Will I ever love again? Or will feminsisnm continue to get out of control?

1. Yes.

2. Yes.

Both are true, do you see?

bog lapped said...
My mate from Melbs reckon that you once had a gang-bang in a spa with some bodybuilders. I don't want you to confirm/deny just say it isn't true.

Goodness, no. I'd own up to it if that were the case.

I'm not sure whether to feel pleased or appalled that I'm able to generate false rumours regarding my sexual activities. Mostly I'm a bit peeved that whoever made it up couldn't find something more inventive than bodybuilders in a spa. What am I, Jordan?

I looked for hours said...
Why have pictures been removed from this post:
http://reasonsyouwillhateme.com/titting-off?

They weren't consciously removed, they were hotlinked to an online site my ex boyfriend had which is now no longer in existence. I'm too lazy to clean up old posts; it's just the hotlinked image ones which are even less funny now that the photographs have been replaced by squares with big red X's on them.

Anonymous said...
Oh good grief, the woman now has a profile in Australia. Imagine walking down the street not knowing who has seen your norks!?

I applaud Fits courage to post them in the first place, some time ago I assume. And absolutely understand her removing photographs of her naked body now that we all know who she is...and not some faceless blogger.

Sheesh...allow the woman a little privacy, she owes you nothing I looked for Hours.

It's very kind of you to assume I'm shy enough to do such a thing, but honestly - it's pure lack of drive that has led to such a thing occurring. I stripped naked for my old radio show at Triple R once a year for six years. I could hardly be considered a shrinking violet when it comes to keeping my clothes on.

Shy Boy said...
I have a selfish question question. If I hadn't whimped out and had actually said hello and thanked you for putting me on to Amis (Martin that is) at the Northcote on Saturday night, what would your reaction have been? (not to be confused with response)

Thank you, anyway.

Oh, I wish you had said hello. Although from memory I was mildly banjaxed that evening and you may have swiftly come to regret making contact as I screamed foul language into your ear and clutched at your arm with a demonic expression. Don't be so coy in future.

Anonymous said...
Oh lovely Fits

Q1: what exactly are the boundaries of Raunch?

Q2: is Raunch just a fashion accessory like drugs in the 60’s, bi-sexuality in the 70’s, musical incompetence in the 80’s and tattoos & piercings in the 90’s?

Q3: given your sweet accepting non-judgemental nature, what are your own raunchy boundaries?

Fascinated to know given my own adventures in debauchery seem somewhat sad and regrettable at this point in life. Please excuse my ignorance if these are FAQ’s or if a question quota has been violated.

p.s. Ah just reread my questions and to be fair and in the spirit of full-ish disclosure, my own former raunchy boundaries were as said by D H Lawrence - "something so disgusting it makes you sick". These days like other middle aged saddies the goal posts have moved back to "fun with partner that won't scare the dog or revolt the children (if they found out)"

Both are subjective I guess...

Hello, Anon.

Q1. Hm. I think it's an entirely personal decision, don't you? DH Lawrence was probably right. Although one man's sick is another man's sauce, isn't it?

That didn't come out exactly as I had intended.

Q2. Only if you squeeze Brody Dalle, Courtney Love, Annie Sprinkle, Bettie Page and countless others into your present-day assumption. I wouldn't say raunch is a fashion accessory. Why are you capitalising the r, by the way? Curious.

Q3. Something so disgusting it makes me sick*.

*going down on Margaret Thatcher would probably fall into this category.

Anonymous said...
15Apr23:11 carrly said...
hi,
i was just wondering if, now that you've moved cities and are now closer to mark priestley (dan goldman from all saints), you were any closer to making him be my boyfriend?

thanks, hope you're having a splendid day

Ah, the lovely Mark Priestly. I'm doing my best, miss. Get your dowry ready.

Denny Crane said...
Denny Crane. Does carrying an old footy card of Bernie Quinlan in my wallet mean I'm gay? Even if it does, I like it because it has Peter Moore's face on the back, and the proximity of Bernie's bum to a Collingwood player's face has always seemed kind of....right...to me. Denny Crane.

Carrying the footy card doesn't make you gay, but spending too much time thinking about his bottom hovering next to another man's mouth certainly gives you a nudge in the homo direction. I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. You'll be allowed to marry soon, like Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi. Won't that be nice?

Andy Pants said...
Hey Ms Fits.

In an effort to make myself appear more manly (not that I don't consider myself a fine specimen of manliness already) I recently decided to grow a beard.

It's only just crossed the fresh-hold from stubble to respectable facial hair and I'm trying to decided whether I should keep it or simply shave it off.

My question is this, what are your opinions of facial hair (on a man)? And what do you think I should do?

http://andy-unwritten.livejournal.com/

You can find a couple of before and after shots here to give you some basis for judgement, under 'my beard'.

Grow the beard, grow the beard! Nothing outrageous, but a fine veneer of hair works on most all gentlemen except Frankie Muniz. Don't take it too far and turn into ZZ Top though, because everyone will think you're a kiddy fiddler. Just a tip.

p.s. So that's what you look like...

Stepstotheleft said...
Ms Fits,

Do you think that the concept of putting a bounty on the heads of Young Liberals should have been brought up at the 2020 Summit?

Oh, but it was. Did you not get the memo? We're legally allowed to hunt them for sport now. I'm currently using Alexander Lew as a livingroom throw.

enny said...
Hullo Ms Fits,

I have a little story to go with my question I was a fellow reader of the lady pirates (ahoytherematey.blogspot.com) blog - I think you commented there once or twice. He was lovely and funny to read for the almost 12 months he was updating - then he took off on a Japan holiday and never really updated again.

Luckilly for me we'd made contact through MySpace (don't judge! I've since deleted my account!) and I mentioned I had a Lonely Planet guide and phrase book he could borrow when he was in old Tokyo town (I'd just gotten back myself) if he'd join Facebook (as it was all exciting and new at the time). The thing is - he still has the books. Almost a year later.

At first he was all like 'Oh! I'll send them soon - sorry!' and then he was like 'Oh! They're in the mail, are they not there yet?' and then he was like 'Oh! They got returned, there must have been an adress error!' and then there was silence.

I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas how I could get them back? I'm curious because it's over $100 worth of book and I have other friends (that I have actually met!) that would like to borrow them AND I'd like to look at them again! My Facebook wall posts are now being deleted from his page - unsurprising, I know, but I'm all out of ideas!

Please help?!

Wait, is he still in Tokyo? The cur. I can't say I'm going to be much help to you as I am both a terrible lender and borrower, but I'd like to think that if someone came a-searching for a particular lost novel I'd do everything in my power to return it. Can you not send a personal and imploring email saying that you won't bother him again and will understand if he's lost them but could he please just confess if that's the case so you may rest in peace? At the very least you'll be able to cut your losses and move on. I've flushed buckets of cash and goods and services down the sink over lovely boys in days long gone, and in the end sometimes you simply have to write it off as $100 spent on a brief romantic gesture and consider yourself wiser and spiritually richer for it.

***************

Utterly exhausting, but we've finally made it. I thank you everso for your patience and trust during this rather punishing weblog exercise - you really are particularly attractive and winsome.

Enjoy your weekendery and do please take in a view with your dinner.

x

Wherever you may find the moment.

2008-05-22T00:00:00+10:00

Here are some places that I read.

1. Sitting in my car in traffic.

Look, I know it's not the most legal thing in the world. But sitting mindlessly on Sydney roads - especially when your car stereo is broken - can destroy one's soul. Why not pick up a novel and rest it on your steering wheel? If you become so engrossed in Carson McCullers' searingly dry prose that you knock over a pensioner or two, so be it. All in the name of learning, Your Honour.

2. Waiting in line at the bank.

This is why you must carry a book with you at all times. Every shred of lifelessness miraculously disappears from a queue when you take Henry Miller out of your bag and immerse yourself in some filthy French literature. You may even come a little in your pants when the teller says NEXT and startles you from your creamy reverie.

3. On the exercise bike at the gymnasium.

Breaking a sweat is boring as fuck, but good for the brain. If you're able to balance William Boyd on the LED display thing or whatever the hell it is trying to convince you you're cycling through the Parisian streets, you are doubling the awesomeness pulsating through your receptors. That's right, cerebrovascular affairs are my specialty subject.

4. At the dinner table.

I never said I had nice manners. Just very tolerant and long-suffering friends and family and partners. Also: try and tell me that a three course meal doesn't taste better with Kingsley Amis. TRY.

Anyway. I work in a day job where they couldn't really care too much about what I do at my desk so long as it involves something youthfully exuberant and 'on the pulse' (hackysack is particularly encouraged) so this particular website is more for you than for me. Lady and genteels, please admire from up close readatwork.com and don't say I never do anything nice for you.

To precis: readatwork.com is a website set up specifically so office workers can read at their desk without being busted by 'the man', or woman if it's a particularly progressive company or organisation. It looks cannily like an average desktop though has short cuts to online novels like follows:

By clicking on a folder in one of these menus you'll be taken to the first page of an abridged novel, which may look something like this:

Why do I not work in places where they power point present such happy-looking folk? Honestly.

The slightly irritating thing about the site is that a) you're reading a somewhat condensed version of otherwise great literature and b) you have to train your brain to get around reading pages like this:

But it's a small price to pay, really. Just look at this excerpt from F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Ice Palace. LOOK AT IT.

IT IS BOTH LITERATURE AND A PIE CHART. THIS WEBSITE WILL MAKE ME DIE A HAPPY LADY.

You're welcome.

Just shut up and look pretty.

2008-05-21T00:00:00+10:00

I like this very much.

'NOVICE Labor MPs have been handed detailed "cheat sheets" by the Federal Government to try to prevent damaging Budget bloopers.

The secretive document...gives advice to MPs on how to fend off questions over cuts to family payments, health, education and defence spending.

The Government has instructed MPs to spin the "responsible economic management" line as often as possible.'

Why stop at cheat sheets? Why not flash cards? Why not just send everyone to a great big interviewing etiquette school in the sky and have them trained to give uniformly robotic answers to difficult queries?

Reporter: How do you think the government's planned shake-up of Medicare will affect the public health sector and insurance premiums?

ALP flunky: Math is hard! Let's go shopping!

Alternatively, just take some tips from the other guys.

Time to make percentage party.

2008-05-20T00:00:00+10:00

*ring ring*

'Yes, Mr. Nelson?'

'Morning, Kate! Are we feeling well this fine and merry day?'

'Very well thanks, sir. How can I be of assistance?'

'Could you put me through to J-to-tha-Hizzo, H-to-the-Wizzo?'

'Sorry?'

'Howard. John Howard.'

'Putting you through, Mr. Nelson.'

*click*

'Doo-de-doo-de-dooo.....'

'J to the Hizzo.'

'Guess who?'

'I have no idea.'

'I'll give you a clue'.

'Honestly, I don't have time for this.'

'Yes you do. You have plenty of time. You told me you spend half your days playing Scrabulous and the other half alphabetising your polaroid collection.'

'......Look, who is this?'

'Here's the clue. DIRTY. DOZEN.'

'.............'

'Gimme a T! Gimme a W! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! Gimme a V!'

'Twelv?'

'And another E!'

'Twelve?'

'That's Mister Twelve to you, sir. Mister TWELVE PERCENT!'

'....Brendan?'

'Wassup dawg???'

'Oh! Twelve percent! Of course. I was meaning to call and congratulate you, but...well, you know how it gets.'

'No dramas, no dramas. Listen, we're having a little party at HQ on Friday to celebrate the big one-two. Some champagne, few Pommes Noisettes. I may shred a few tight riffs. You and Janette free?'

'I...sure. We could stop by.'

'Grand. See you then!'

*click*

'Kate?'

'Sir?'

'Tone, please.'

'Putting you through, sir.'

*click*

'Dum-de-dum-dummmm'

'Tony Abbott speaking.'

'How many eggs in a carton?'

'...Is that you, Brendan?'

'Bro, we flyin'! You going to swing by the drinks Friday for a little par-tay?'

'Er...okay.'

'Don't forget your Fresh Prince of Bel Air record! That shit is off the hook!!!'

'Fine. No problems.'

*click*

'Oh Kaaaaaate....'

'Right here, sir.'

'Put me through to Syndrome, be a doll.'

'One moment, sir.'

*click*

*ring ring*

'What if god was one of us....'

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

'Oh, fuck off...'

*ring ring*

'I'm afraid there's no answer, sir. He must have his phone switched off.'

'Huh. Maybe he's at lunch. Okay, grab me Mal the Pal.'

'Connecting you now, sir.'

'Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh...'

'Turnbull.'

'Lurch! 'Tis Monsieur Douze 'ere.'

'Mmm.'

'Guess who's having a knees-up shindig?'

'I don't know. You?'

'Oui oui! You wanna come shake your rump-ah? We're hiring decks.'

'....Actually, I'm busy.'

>br>

'I didn't tell you when it was yet.'

'Oh. When is it?'

'Friday.'

'I'm busy. Sorry.'

'Oh well. Not to worry.'

'Yeah, I've actually organised a few drinks for the boys myself, so...'

'No problemo, chief. Have yourself a fine time!'

'Right.'

*click*

'..............'

*ring ring*

'Yes Kate?'

'I've got Mr. Abbott on the line for you, sir.'

'Put him through.'

*click*

'Beano, Tone. Listen, something's kind of...come up on Friday. Having a few drinks elsewhere, looks like I'm not going to be able to make it. Hope that doesn't put you out.'

'...No, no. That's fine.'

'Grand. Have one for me, eh? Tell Buswell to beee-have, baby. He'll know what I mean, HAHAHA.'

'....Sure.'

'Ciao.'

*click*

'............'

*ring ring*

'What is it, Kate?'

'I've got Mr. Howard on the line for you, Mr. Nelson. He says it's about Friday. Something's come up.'

'...............'

'Sir?'

'....Fine. Put him through.'

*click*

*sigh*

Someone get the RSPCA on the phone. Tell them it's urgent.

2008-05-19T00:00:00+10:00

MY NARCOTICS-RELATED MELTDOWN, LET ME SHOW YOU IT

I have never seen more reasons to avoid drugs crammed together in one video than right here. If it's not the grubby junkie fingers pawing at newborn micelings, it's the slurred Specials duet and the plaintive plea 'Blake...please don't divorce mummy'. Do chemicals make people speak in baby voices? Can we blame various powders for cloying use of the word 'wibble'? Are these tiny mice creatures going to catch something blistery from their repeated contact with the diseased digits of Amy and Pete?

I don't know. Who the fuck gathers Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty around to witness the birth of mice? Is this video even real? Am I still high from the pseudoephedrine I took on Thursday before clutching at Julian from the Presets? Shhh...it's Monday.

More weird conversations at the beautician.

2008-05-14T00:00:00+10:00

Overheard, yesterday:

Beautician: So I didn't realise you were going out with Helen.

Strange man: Yeah.

Beautician: I mean, I had no idea until I looked out the window yesterday and there you were, pashing. Amazing.

Strange man: Yeah, she's a beautiful girl. Very beautiful.

Beautician: She's gorgeous.

Strange man: We're going to that party together on Saturday.

Beautician: I know, I saw that leopard-print corset she wants to wear.

Strange man: She's going to look hot.

Beautician: You're going to need a leash on her to keep all the men away, hahaha!

Strange man: Actually, I'll have my own leash. She's going to be leading me around on it. By the throat.

Beautician: .....

Strange man: So if she's not happy with me, she can just...give it a tug. And keep me in line.

*awkward pause*

Beautician: .....okay. Wow.

Me: (emerging from booth) Er...can I pay?

Beautician: Oh sure, yes. This is my landlord, by the way.

Me: Hello.

Strange man: Mmmm.

*Strange man exits*

Me: That was a bit weird.

Beautician: Do you know what's even weirder? He's gay. He lives upstairs with his partner of ten years. Then the other morning I look outside and he's making out with some girl.

Me: And now she's leading him around by the throat at parties.

Beautician: I should really move the business to another area.

The happiest place on earth.

2008-05-13T00:00:00+10:00

It has recently come to my attention that I'm doing things politically arse-about. Here I was thinking that the Left was the side to be on; all pirate-like swashbuckling and heckling of world leaders and calling people suckholes and better-red-than-dead and O CALAMITY and whatnot. Little did I know that if it's nail biting action and scandalous viciousness you're after you're best off simply joining the Victorian Liberals.

'VICIOUS infighting among Victorian Liberals has claimed a third scalp...
The party's state campaign manager, Susan Chandler, was forced to quit yesterday after the release of an email she sent to a staffer, John Osborn, describing a party candidate, Adam Held, as a "greedy f---ing Jew".

Is anyone else slightly taken aback by this term emerging from the mouth of an otherwise conservative lady? I'm all for colourful language equality between men and women, but a line needs to be drawn somewhere AND PERHAPS THAT LINE IS WRITTEN IN RELIGIOUSLY VILIFIED MAGIC MARKER.

'Mr Osborn released the email after news broke that he and a colleague, Simon Morgan, had been sacked for contributing to an internet site undermining the party leader, Ted Baillieu, and other parliamentarians.

Ms Chandler was among the senior Liberals investigating their anti-Baillieu internet blog, titled "hewhostandsfornothing".

I love it when blogs get mentioned in the mainstream press, not least because it means I'm less likely to end up at a family function overexplaining my dorkus internet hobby and how no-one outside of a handful of friendly fellow cybernerds gives two thirds of a flying fuck about it. John Osborn and Simon Morgan, you have taken one for the team, sirs.

'The site did not limit its anonymous spite to Mr Baillieu, whom it nicknamed Cottee's — "because he's thick and rich" — and who was described as a "vile communist" and a "vacuous moron". Just about anyone seen to be associated with the moderate grouping in the party was fair game, as well as anyone suspected of being supportive of Mr Baillieu.

Oh, come on. Wasn't that thick and rich thing done to death with Mark Philippoussis and Ardmona tomatoes?

Also: If Ted Baillieu is a flag-waving Communist, I'm Rita the Eta Eater.

'Other internal Liberal emails leaked to The Age show Mr Morgan referring to the former Howard government minister, Fran Bailey, as a "stupid fat bitch" and using the c-word in reference to the federal candidate for Corio, Angelo Kakouros, in correspondence with Mr Osborn.'

Sexually loaded insults! The 'c-word'! Poisonous internets! HOLD ON TED, I'M COMING TO PLAY IN YOUR OUTRAGEOUSLY ENTERTAINING GANGSHOW, etc.

p.s. Someone at the Age is surely taking the mickey with this particular caption, though.

AMUSING BUT UNNECESSARY, PICTURE EDITORS OF FAIRFAX.

Why I probably shouldn't be allowed near children, part 82 in a series.

2008-05-09T00:00:00+10:00

Boy #1: Can my dog Lulu play with your dog?

Me: Um - I don't know. My dog sometimes fights with other girl dogs.

Boy #1: How can she tell that it's another girl dog?

Me: I'm not sure. I guess it's when they get up close and sniff each other's bums. They get a fair front row view, so....

Boy #1: Heh.

Me: Yeah.

Boy #1: Bum sniffing.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Boy #1: Our other dog Bunny? She sometimes goes up to Lulu's bum and licks it.

Me: Right.

Boy #2: Right after Lulu's done a poo.

Me: That's not very nice, is it?

Boy #1: No.

Me: Then again, you never know. It might be great. It might taste like chocolate.

Boy #1: (looking rightfully dubious) Poo?

Me: Possibly. I doubt I'll ever find out, though.

Boy #2: Why not?

Me: Because it might not taste like chocolate. It might taste like poo. And then I will have licked poo.

*thoughtful silence*

Boy #1: But what if it tastes like chocolate?

Me: I'm not sure I'm game to delve deeper. How about you try first and then tell me?

Boy #1: (riding bike in opposite direction) No thank you.

*longer pause*

Boy #2: Do you want to know what flavour chocolate I ate today?

Me: What?

Boy #2: Coconut.

*longest pause yet*

Me: .....cool.

It takes a nation of neologists.

2008-05-08T00:00:00+10:00

So considering the amount of half-baked words I make up on this website and considering there's very little to discuss on radio between the hours of 6 and 7am, this morning we did a 'callout' (that's a technical broadcasting term, people) for budding neologists to share their fantastical creations and here are my favourites via the text line:

2008-05-08 06:33 Airline food, low in delicium yet high in disgorbian. Whats the atomic weight of Delicium? Otherwise, cramstipation, where you really have to study, but just cant

I love 'delicium'. When we spoke to this guy on the phone he said 'it should pretty much be on the periodic table' and everyone in the studio had a private swoon.

2008-05-08 07:15 Specifilexia. People who cant say specific and annoyingly say pacific instead

Yes, but if they're already struggling with the word 'specific' it seems somewhat unlikely that they'll be grammatically together enough to apologise for their rather severe case of Specifilexia. Still, nice word.

2008-05-08 07:15 Ampertunity, ample opportunity.

I love this because it sounds like something George Bush would roll out in one of those HAY GUYS WE TOTALLY WON THE OVERSEAS BLOW-UP GAME speeches he tends to make on warships or landing strips or other such butch locations - ie 'We gave Saddam ampertunity to reveal the location of his Nintendo Wii but he wouldn't so we hanged him on a rope.'

2008-05-08 07:18 My family makes up lots me words.like coombi as in "coombi stuffed". So we say "i got the coombi's" when we an't be bothered. And jacobi as in "you could be" "Jacobi joking." My name is patrick orlando.

It's so comforting to know that other dorkus families while away the hours playing nerdy word games. Also: the rather formal introduction at the end of this text is very pleasing. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Patrick Orlando.

2008-05-08 06:33 Brang which is when u bring something

No it isn't. It's when you're verbally challenged and you veer towards robust statements like LOOK GRANDMA I BRANG YOU A CAKE.

2008-05-08 07:17 Splashterbate. Fun in the bath. Jason.

Evocative and to the point, young man. Though I can't see myself heading home with anyone who has invited me to partake in such an activity during an evening out.

2008-05-08 07:20 gool = the median between good and cool

Gool doesn't = the median between good and cool. It = a patent misspelling of the word 'ghoul' and should therefore not be encouraged.

2008-05-08 07:18 Sexy time meaning you got lucky, please can i have the presets tickets i have been trying all week.. Claire

STOP PLAYING YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

2008-05-08 07:15 Mamdog means someone has done something really good or big- rowan from frankston

I can't imagine this catching on despite Rowan's convincing tone, to be honest.

Me: Gather round, friends and countrymen! I have created an oversized wooden horse inside which we can all hide. Pray tell, what do you make of my life's work?

Greek soliders: Mamdog!

2008-05-08 07:22 Hey my names Jarrod my made up word is pussdog. u call someone a pussdog when there being a dick and wont do somethin for u like goin to the fridge for a beer

*sighs*

2008-05-08 07:25 Divinculate: to make up words to impress people. The word being an example of its definition. I made it up at school years ago.

'The word being an example of its definition'. He actually texted this in. Ladies, form an orderly queue.

2008-05-08 07:27 My wife calls my penis a choonki loonki and her vagina a bagoongi. Big sex turn off. Matt

Oh my GOD. This is babytalk plus sexy plus mum and dad plus hell and I think I may never have intercourse again lest I accidentally shout MY BAGOONGI LET ME SHOW YOU IT or something equally as nauseating HELP HELP.

It's where we learn how the young folk converse.

2008-05-06T00:00:00+10:00

A nice man wrote a story about me for a magazine and yesterday he sent it to me to have a look at. I promised him I wouldn't ask to change a thing, though I did have to remind him that Bob Ellis was a dog and not a cat.

This paragraph is my favourite:

'Her blog about her mother’s choralling was headed
“My mother, the OG”. Turns out that this denotes Original
Gangster, a hip-hop expression she picked up in her new role as part of the breakfast team on the ABC radio’s national youth network Triple J. That is the job that took this thoroughly Melbourne girl to Sydney late last year. And that is where her van disappeared.'

That's what I do on triple J, you see. I pick up hip-hop expressions. Hip-hop expressions and g-unit bling.

It's like working in Compton, but without the drive by shootings and stuff. I'm audi, yo.

If these walls could only bark.

2008-05-05T00:00:00+10:00

So yesterday I was nursing a reasonably sore head and over the course of the afternoon (there was wine involved) became utterly convinced that I'd heard my dog speak.

Me: Did everyone hear that? Bob Ellis just said 'meat'! She said 'meat'! SAY IT AGAIN.

Bob Ellis: ........

Me: 'Meat'. Say it again. 'Meeeat'. 'Meeeeeat.'

Bob Ellis: ........

Hotman: Maybe she just got an upset stomach.

Me: She did not just get an upset stomach. She spoke. She said 'meat'. She is a very intelligent dog.

Hotman: If she's so intelligent, why does she eat her own poo?

Me: DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU'VE TRIED IT, WISEY.

*****************

Anyway, because I have a great deal of time on my hands I searched for talking dogs on You Tube and found the following little slices of heaven to share with you. Please note these canines speak with varying degrees of success. Please also note that I am an imbecile.

Creepy? Absolutely. But kind of winsome at the same time. If the Olsen twins were dogs they would look like this.

This dog isn't officially talking, but the animal is in possession of such a richly comedic head I felt duty bound to share. Also: that noise would annoy the fucking shit out of you if you lived near a busy intersection.

This is what 'I love you' would sound like if you slept next to a nine-year-old boy possessed by Satan and held a gun to his head in the mornings demanding his affection. Christ. Everyone in the audience is acting like this dog is really quite sweet but CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FUCKING LISTEN.

See, if your dog is going to talk you'd probably want it to sound like this whilst gazing at you with those dreamy Bowie eyes. Let's also all agree that the lady with the camera is the living definition of lonely. I'm happy to sound like a repetitive deranged idiot when I talk to my dog, but you won't catch me filming myself and putting it up on the internet.

This one is my all time favourite, not least because Prince's owner closely resembles Morten Harket from A-ha living out a secret life as a rockabilly plumber.

And this is what we like to call in the talking-dog world 'clutching at straws'. This canine does not say 'I love you'. He does not say 'I don't want to'. He says 'raor raor raor' and then gets a biscuit. HE MOST CERTAINLY ALSO DOES NOT SAY 'ERIC CLAPTON' AND PLEASE EXPLAIN WTF YOU WERE THINKING ASKING HIM TO SAY THESE WORDS AND WHY THANK YOU.

Standard interviewer don't's.

2008-05-02T00:00:00+10:00

Things it's probably best not to do in the preceding fortnight before interviewing someone you find musically and physically rather dishy:

1. Announce to the world/office/major friendship circle that you've been having erotic anxiety dreams about them.

This is relatively private. Must you really arrive breathlessly in the communal kitchen and tell everyone within earshot about your nocturnal adventures racing through starry-skied dreamscapes with your interviewee to be? I think not. Go and make yourself a cup of tea and be quiet and that way when it comes time for the interview you won't have eighteen hundred of your co-workers grinning through the window at you and giving you the thumbs up.

2. Stroll the streets of Sydney listening to some of their songs on repeat.

It will only make you nervously regard them as musically remarkable. You need to start the interview on an even keel. If you have been listening to their voice with your eyes closed THEY HAVE A DISTINCT ADVANTAGE DO YOU NOT SEE.

3. Find a magazine with a copy of their face on the cover and rip a hole where their mouth is pictured and stick your tongue through it.

An addendum: don't leave it on your desk where they may walk past and look at it with an increasing sense of alarm. There is a chance they may call security. You don't want this.

4. Imitate their amusing speaking voice on national radio.

You do realise a portion of people listen to this and there's a chance that you saying HAHA LISTEN TO HIS SWEET AND FUNNY KERMIT THE FROG VOICE will be reported back to him? Use your fucking head, for god's sake.

5. Be a pink-cheeked twit.

Dear Julian from the Presets, I'm sorry I got all tongue-tied this morning and stared at my lap when you came in to be quizzed on your upcoming shows. I am a goof. You smell nice and I still think four songs on your new record are very pretty. With love from ms fits.

Rallying the troops.

2008-05-01T00:00:00+10:00

*ring ring*

'Yep.'

'Buzzcocks! It's The Doctor.'

'Oh. Hello.'

'How's tricks? Heard the cheese have been on your back about that chair thing.'

'Well...yeah. Kind of.'

'On the QT, I think that shit is hilarious. Be honest, had she let fluffy off the chain? Staff meetings tend to rumble my guts a little too, LOL.'

'..........'

'My advice is you should stick to the ol' 'pull my finger' trick. Women love that stuff.'

'..........'

'Anyway, just wanted to call you up and let you know that if you're looking for support, I'm your guy. Just remember who's got your back. The Doc, that's who! Am I right or am I right?'

'..........'

*beep*

'Hang on, I've got another call coming through.'

*beep*

'The Doctor is in.'

'Brendan, it's John again. This is getting ridiculous. Why won't you return my calls?'

'..........'

'Hello?'

'BRB.'

*beep*

'Lightyear, you still there? It's Brendan.'

'..........'

'Hello?'

'..........'

*beep*

'Brendan?'

'...........'

*beep*

'Buzz?'

'..........'

'..........'

*beep*

'.........'

*beep*

'.........'

*beep*

'....hello?'

Razzle Spazzle.

2008-04-29T00:00:00+10:00

Look, it's not as though I don't feel a smidgen sorry for ~~professional Pauline Hanson lover~~ Todd McKenney and his accidentally passing out in parklands. But did the SMH really have to use this picture to illustrate his drug-addled slide into a morass of depravity?

Honestly. What if he'd been run over by a car, or developed a severe case of rectal cancer? At what point do the picture editors pause for thought and think perhaps a more sombre choice may be in order?