Friday q and a #49.
Arr, tis a wild and stormy day here in Melbourne, befitting the frenetic pre-Christmas tempest currently stirring in my soul. I do love buying presents as I am by heart a generous entity, though the idea of dragging myself out in thirty-five degree heat just to buy a bottle of Britney Spears' Curious is enough to make my tinsel wilt somewhat.
As is this story of the morning:
'A teenage boy and his mother have been charged with arson after a fire in Gippsland, southeast of Melbourne.
The 29-year-old woman and her 15-year-old son also were charged with reckless conduct endangering life, allowing a fire to remain alight on a day of total fire ban and impeding an investigation.'
Someone on mess and noise put it best I feel:
'29 yrs old with a 15 yr old son... do the maths. Then call Jerry Springer.'
Let us not linger there too long today. How can we, with the rabid inanity of Friday questions to distract us?
thr said...
No questions from me. I was going to ask if you'd care to get your scooter license for a story I'm doing, but can't think of a reverse psychology method that will compel you do it- thoughts?
thomasr
Firstly, that is patently a question. Look, there's that little curly fellow standing on a dot right at the end of your second sentence, which would indicate to me IN MY SWITCHED-ON STATE that you are requesting information from me. How dare you try and sneak such an act past me by a breezy and patently false prelude. For shame.
Secondly, if getting a scooter licence is a relatively uncomplicated process then I'd be happy to do it. It's more time constraints than all-out heebies holding me back from mindlessly reckless behaviour these days. What do I have to do?
Magical_M said...
'Eight kinds of adorable'
*blushes*
Why thank you ma'am!
FYI, my hideous eye disease is iritis... which has to be one of the stupidest names for a disease of the eye.
I think I will wear my glasses. The thought of going home with someone who resembles Bronwyn Bishop's arse is (to quote an earlier quote of mine) sauteed in wrong sauce.
x
Not just Bronwyn Bishop's arse, Magical_M. Bronwyn Bishop's arse doing sit-ups.
I'd like us all to pause and really consider that for a moment.
Thank you.
Simon said...
You know how some people are just... lovely? Even if they're hunting spiders with a hairspray can and lighter, just hanging out with them makes you feel better about humanity in general.?
Do you think this quality is innate, or can be acquired?
I get some of that vibe off your site, and strangely, the opposite from most of the posters.
I'm a little too afraid to be flattered by this question just in case there's a chance if I read between the lines you're not specifically saying anything nice about me, just that you like the site or even randomly generic 'vibes'. Either way, thank you very much. This is a nice one to answer.
Anyhow - I do know such people, yes. I am lucky enough to live with two - soon to be three - of the most beautiful spirits alive, who remain lovely even when they are attempting to torment me while I work by doing moronic underpants dances to the tune of Justin Timberlake's Dick In A Box. I forgive them everything.
Additionally, if you have ever spent time in the company of the ethereal Dell or angelic livewire Lorelei from the YP's you would be eternally grateful. Their loveliness - and the loveliness of which I feel you are referring to generally - seems an innate quality rather than one that can be acquired. That's what makes it so breathtakingly precious.
Richo said...
I'm not Craig:
Musket?
Gentle Persuasion?
The Orange Organics (Pugwall's band)?
Had I not already meandered down the Gentle Persuasion 1992 Prince Patrick pathway? Maybe I dreamed it. Anyway, you CANED IT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE ORANGE ORGANICS LOOK AT YOU GO THERE. What better way to celebrate round eighteen of Guess Which Obscure Early Nineties Band I'mNotCraig Was In by introducing a little Pugmania?
I salute you, my friend.
*raises glass*
MelbourneGirl said...
i'm not craig:
i spit on your gravy
dexy's midnight runners
zydeco jump
[i think i'm going back before the early '90s here, and one of these is a trick, to try and "draw him out"]
um. the lucky barstools?
hey fits. i have a question. did you green room with germaine? was there any sort of chat? i haven't seen the show yet. taped ready for tonight's viewing after the seafood we didn't get to last night. i admire her terribly.
another question. what should i serve at our christmas eve luncheon. there will be italians who will bring their own arancini and a range of other gourmands. don't say lasagne and cold chicken, did that last year.
thanks.
a) re: GWOENBINCWI - nice tactic, MG. We'll smoke this jazz-fusion fucker from his hole if it kills us. ARE YOU LISTENING, INC.
b) I did 'green room' with Germaine, yes. Before the taping I had to 'make-up' with her, which was suitably terrifying. She was talking a million miles an hour about a new book she was researching about Shakespeare's wife and said loudly 'If you think they hated me for the Steve Irwin thing, you just wait to see how they react to this' and it was incredibly punk and I fell in love with her on the spot.
Afterwards we all stood around eating potato chips and she eyed me for a very long time.
Germaine: I'm going to go and find your blog now.
Me: Oh, please don't.
Germaine: I am. I'm going to find it and I'm going to read it.
Steger: You certainly should. I do.
Me: *runs away*
OH GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE.
c) It's not going to be baking hot this Christmas Day in Melba, but I'd still suggest stuffing a snapper and barbecuing it. Seafood always works, before or after gift exchanges. Failing that you could do a marinated lamb and fetta salad, or even an enormous paella - all essentially time efficient and, if I may say, delicious as fuck.
meva said...
O I'd like to know about how fabulous Germaine is, too. I have watched her on FTBC and thought she was 12 kinds of wonderful. I could have watched/listened/adored for millenia.
Although, I think she's mistaken. Atheists can be breeders. I have two perfect, beautiful children to prove it.
Sorry. No question. Delete at will.
There's a nice t-shirt for you. ATHIESTS ARE BREEDERS TOO. It would no doubt go down magnificently next time you're doing tuckshop for the grade preps.
Klamath said...
I desparately need your Melbournulous knowledge.
Probably my most favourite band in the history of mankind, Hot Chip, are coming to Australia late January, and as usually will be overlooking Brisbane, where I live.
Due to a healthy paycheque this week, ideas of "flying down for the evening" have reached hey-that's-actually-quite-possible status.
My plan: fly down in the late afternoon, begin getting drunk at or near the site of the gig, afterwards taxi back to the airport, crash there, fly home at 7am.
HOWEVER. This gig is at the Corner Hotel in Richmond, and since I've never been to Melbourne it may as well be in Chinese. Do I -want- to go there? Will I, as a non-effeminate-but-still-homosexual male, be risking my safety in what for all I know could be a filthy cesspool of muggings, stabbings, and acid scaldings?
Any advice would be hotly appreciated.
You wonderful man, Klamath. Look at you and your 'dash it all to hell! I'm jetting down for the rock show and let us not hear another word about it!' devil-may-care attitude. I do rather hope you wear a cravat or silk scarf at some stage of your journey; it would be most disappointing if during your time tearing Melbourne apart you failed to deck yourself out in a dapper fashion/hijack a stretch limousine.
Anyhow. The Corner Hotel is a highly reputable venue situated on an extremely well-lit block smack-bang next to Richmond Station. It is pleasingly smoke-free and is generally populated by borderline attractive young folk who become increasingly animated when presented with measures of liquor. They are as a whole a warm and tolerant bunch who will no doubt befriend you and try to steer you towards the late-night pizza place across the road for some hamsteaks. JUST BE WARNED IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY FIND YOUR WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RAILWAY BRIDGE YOU WILL BE AT THE DEPOT SURROUNDED BY FOOTBALLER PLAYERS SINGING BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY AT WHICH POINT YOU SHOULD RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Here is a picture of the Depot for your files.
You'll have to imagine the hordes of ladies carrying their shoes and slipping around in slicks of their own vomit, but you get the idea.
Anyhow, some further advice follows:
McDave said...
Not sure what the etiquette is here on answering other questions Ms Fits, but klamath's plight called to me.
As a Melbournian with many happy memories of seeing bands in the back room of the Corner, I can assure you it will be a good gig (as long as you avoid standing behind that damn pillar!). The front bar would certainly give you a close starting point, and there is enough random (if a little dodgy) food on Swan st. to keep the alcohol in check until well into the first set. But if front bar action isn't your weapon of choice, have no fear there are many other alternatives within close hoofing distance.
with the exception of the taxi fare, I feel your plan is solid!
There you go. Far more succinct than my answer, really. Though I should score points for the misleading use of the term 'hamsteaks'.
McDave said...
beards. I can't decide if they are a good thing or not... The goatee, the maintained look with clean shaven cheeks, the chin strap, the "sexy" 2 day stubble or the full blown beard... Thoughts?
You've definitely come to the right woman, McDave. I consider myself an expert on facial hair because my dad has a beard and my ex-husband for many years sported a wee chin tuft and superb sideburns and besides which they give moustache diplomas to just about anyone these days. I am presently very much enjoying the notion of a neatly trimmed beard like so
though you must be careful not to let it get out of control lest you wind up as follows
In addition I would like to say that goatees are best confined to the pasty white visages of university students and clarinet players and while the social fundraising aspects of Movember are very pleasing I much prefer a year-long commitment to a dandy womb broom. Thank you for listening.
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits
What to do with an adored friend who keeps going back to her idiot boyfriend? He treats her like a queen for exactly two weeks then starts to ignore her. Then they have a massive public stoush and I pick up the pieces. This has happened about 6 times over the last 12 months and I'm considering telling her I refuse to talk to her about him.
Oh dear Anon, that is a difficult one. There's only so many times you can rub your adored friend's shoulders and say 'you're right, he's a fucking twat. Let's go drink vats of cabernet something and revel in being single' before having to eat shit two days later by driving the guy all the way back to Ascot Vale to pick up his car. I'm sorry that you're living someone else's relationship Groundhog Day - you sound like a very worthy companion and you deserve better. Still, you adore your beloved pal and sadly I'd say you just have to keep picking up the pieces of boyfriend porcelain til she comes to her senses. Of course you can request less obsessive 'but he's not like that when he's with me, honest' conversations in the interim.
Also: she owes you a beer.
toot said...
Not a question from me, just a useless piece of information that, I hope, will only serve to increase your love of the word haberdashery.
My Grandmother calls her vadge "The Haberdashery Department".
I'm not at all certain how that makes me feel, toot. Mostly I am curious as to why you and your grandma were sitting around shooting the shit about what you call your vaginas.
Toot: Hey, nan...
Grandma: Yes darling?
Toot: I was just wondering...
Grandma: Mmm?
Toot: What do you call your flange?
Grandma: (chuckling warmly) If I had a dollar for every time one of my darling grandchildren asked me that question...
What an intriguing family.
sighmon said...
hey ms.fits,
is this your adelaide blog?
or a strange church going impostor?
s.
OMFG SOMEONE IS TRYING TO GET UP IN MY IDENTITY.
'Ms Fit' indeed. Piffle.
No, I have no idea who that is or how on earth she might have had the same lame duck naming idea as me. I do very much enjoy the implication that I may have a special blog relevant to every state, though.
Herbert said...
I just wanted to get in my support for facial hair, mcdave. I know that you will be awaiting Ms Fits learned and witty response but I need to let you and the whole world know right now that facial hair on boys makes me giddy (in a good way).
Sorry ms fits for bogarting* your messageboard
*I have been wanting to say "bogarting" for about five days now. Thank you.
You may bogart to your heart's content, lovely girl. And let this register as a hearty AYE for the hirsuite gentlemen of RYWHM.
blenny said...
well yes, i guess we could select and store them in a warehouse for months on end(appropriately waxed and sprayed to keep them fresh of course-like supermarket fruit and vegetables!) and you could stroll about in a robe- Hugh Hefner like- making the lecherous eyes at them... I hadn't really pictured it being akin to a vending machine style arrangement- what a progressive thinker you are! I had vague notions of some kind of emaily/internetty type thing. I suppose that is sort of out there in the form of Adult Matchmaker etc.. As for my quest..(slightly hysterical laughter)A cautious approach on said Adult Matchmaker resulted in an eyeopening coversation with a young man with a fondness for dogs and i do not mean in a walks-on-the-beach-fetch-the-ball-Fido kind of way.I tell you it's a big wide world out there Fits! There were willing participants by the looks of it but they mainly fell into the categories of "reminds me of Ron Jeremy", "Reminds me of 'Roseanne'" or " not without a Biohazard suit and hospital grade disinfectant" none of which are my cup of tea (and i am well aware that many would heartily return that sentiment in regards to me). Where are all the hot-as-fuck boys and girls such as yourself?!?!Have you got a private collection somewhere?
FINE OKAY I'LL HAVE A THREEWAY WITH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND.
Wait, was that what you were asking?
Anyway, no I don't have a private collection of attractive and nubile group sex partners and may I say if I somehow had access to such a collection I would most likely not be sharing it with anonymous internet posters. Not that I am not a giving person; it's just that these days the idea of a non-Biohazard keen-as-fuck sex kitten seems somewhat rare and I feel less inclined to taint them with repeated use if you get my drift.
That said, I am close to a gentleman who seems to have a never-ending supply and occasionally he has allowed me to 'dip' my 'toe' in IF YOU GET MY RIBALD MEANING*.
*hideous, I know. 'Dip my toe'?? I need to be punched in the face, hard.
Mex said...
Dear Ms Fits
You are too too delightfully kind for responding to my queries. I think I can safely say assume from what you have posited that he is “well off but not a total wanker because of it”. And everyone loves the underdog (Carlton).
And yes Fits, I will continue rogering. I will continue rogering until something unsightly or ghastly happens. Because we all know that if you get a good thing, and I mean a really good thing, you should stick with it.
What does one do in Melbourne for New Years? Is it like Sydney where these days I tend to spend all night flitting between pre-NYE parties, NYE parties, post-NYE parties and post-post NYE parties and eventually getting home to rest some time around February 1? Are taxi drivers in Melbourne cut from the same kind of cunt cloth as the ones in Sydney?
Thanx again,
Congratulations on your rogering of a not-wanker, Mex. Give him one for us, and by 'us' I mean of course me.
I haven't actually sat through a Melbourne New Years since about 2001, to be honest. After a frankly enormous Boxing Day party the most I've usually got in me is to make someone drive my van to the country and sit for five days drinking wine and eating copious amounts of cheese. Which is exactly what I'm doing this year, thankfully. I'd wager your party-flitting will indeed carry on until February 1st whereby your liver will explode and you will be forced to lie in a hammock in Richmond for ten days being tended to by an ex-Wesley Grammarian Carlton supporter.
Also - hire a driver of some description, unless you want to spend your entire NYE standing in the middle of Hoddle street trying to wave down traffic and saying 'for fuck's sake, Anthony Callea probably will have done the Prayer by the time we get there'.
MelbourneGirl said...
may i put in a vote on the male facial hair question de jour. i like a beard on a man. not the goatee really, it's become so tired. and not the abe lincoln. never the abe lincoln. the full beard makes me a bit tingly, there's just something very nice about a beard.
If by 'Abe Lincoln' you mean 'Curiosity Show' then yes, I'd have to agree with you.
p.s. That's beards - 3, goatees - 0. I hope you're paying attention, Craig David.
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits, damn Melbourne Girl beat me to the Germaine question I was going to ask. I'm glad you liked her - so fucken smart, such a great brain - was she friendly? anyway my new question this week involves exercise. It's the season to line up the pinot noir and cheeses for me - how do you keep from blowing up to resemble vanstone-ish proportions? any advise?
re: i'm not craig band quiz i agree we need clues at this stage -having said that - Box The Jesuit? Crystal Set? Crent? helen hellbound
re: Germaine - not unfriendly at all, just intense. Everyone liked her a lot.
re: Wine and cheese - fuck it, it's Christmas. Put a little junk in your trunk; it'll go away when you stop falling face first into plates of your Aunty Carole's savoury toast come January. Keep up your exercise routine if you've got one and enjoy the sensory pleasures of eating five plates of turkey in a row til you pass out, my friend.
re: I'mNotCraig - THAT'S TWICE WE'VE ASKED NICELY FOR CLUES NOW.
Anonymous said...
Has there ever been a marriage proposal that was the same as all that Hollywood bullshit? I wasn't even able to say that before my friend told me she is seeing someone else, at least I have told her how I feel about her.
I'm sure the majority of marriage proposals are steeped in Hollywood bullshit, Anon. Most people learn how to ask someone to marry them by repeatedly watching some vacuous piece of crap starring Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant and getting nervy about sticking a diamond ring inside a scallop (note: watching vacuous pieces of crap is also how ladies know to get all fluttery and say 'why Jonathan, I'm the happiest girl alive' or something equally limp). If you were pipped at the post with your friend then I'm terribly sorry to hear it, but yes - it's good that she knows how you feel. It's up to her now to decide what she's going to do with that information, particularly given she is being squired about town by another chap.
Try not to think about it over Christmas is my suggestion. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. ...
Anonymous said...
This is kind of embarrassing, because it's going to sound mean but I don't mean to be mean at all.
My question is thus:
I saw Clem Bastow on Spicks and Specks the other night. I've read her blog on and off for awhile now. I must say, I found it kind of uncomfortable to watch her being all smart and charming on the show when I (and hundreds others) have been privy to her slight emo-ness of late (not of late of late, but of late a few months ago). Then I couldn't help thinking how much she knew about music. But here's the embarrassing bit - is she really 24 years old as her blog profile suggests? Because I've always been a little jealous of her age given how much she's accomplished professionally. Now I think that she may be fibbing because, foxy though she may be, she doesn't look 24 to me.
So I guess I'm asking, is it wrong to feel less threatened by someone since discovering they may have been joking about their age, especially when that person is wholly unconnected with you and therefore shouldn't be threatening at all? Further, is it still rude to ask women how old they are? How old is Clem Bastow?
I have always been a bit offended by how young, beautiful and impossibly smart Ms Bastow is, Anon. However, I can assure you she is twenty-four years of age as her blog profile suggests. Why is your immediate reaction to be threatened, though? Clem has certainly achieved a great deal in a short amount of time, which I for one think is fucking spectacular. Surely it should be seen as a positive that there is a refreshingly honest, raw, hugely knowledgeable and foxy as hell voice out there under the age of twenty-five. LOOK AT IT THIS WAY SHE IS DOING ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING FOR US.
p.s. re: the age question. I don't know, I've never found it rude. But then again I am in many minority groups, according to various Herald Sun reader polls. Just keep asking until some uptight old dear smacks you across the face.
zzymurgy said...
inc: sherbert?
Hm. Possibly stretching the boundaries of 'early nineties' there, zzymurgy.
jp said...
Hey Fitzy,
Firstly, a shout out to my peeps AH and BD. You know who you are, you voyeuristic creeps. Ask this kind lady some questions and stop perving at that pic of her boobies. BTW, everyone, AH (fuck it, how about we call him ANDREW) replied to my question re how many cocks he’d suck to get a flying car: 8. WTF dude? That's 8 bricks you gotta swallow or spit, that's some heavy shit. Do you even have a licence to fly the thing? Think it through man.
Anyway, my Q: Who’s on your Xmas list of people who can get fucked?
Good lord. What an impressively teenage list of 'shout outs', young man or lady. I have absolutely no idea what you're on about until that last sentence, but I enjoy the rest of it very much and reading it made me feel alive inside.
My Christmas list of people who can get fucked:
98 percent of the Australian Liberal Party
Troublemaking harpies
The Tax department
Wayne Carey
Having said that, I don't really wish ill upon anyone this time of year. They're all free to go about their business, evil though it may be (Philip Ruddock excepted. I hope he gets firmly kicked in the testicles for Christmas).
Anonymous said...
Before LMS , there was The Fast Lane ..so in answer to your question last week - The Fast Lane was a wonderfully droll comedy written by Andrew Knight and John Clarke, whatever happened to those guys...
If you're speaking of John Clarke the genius satirist, then he's never really gone far at all. In fact, he was profiled in the Good Weekend just a couple of weeks ago and has been mightily successful all-round.
Andrew Knight's also done well for himself, co-writing Sea Change and Tripping Over. So don't start feeling sorry for him or anything; he has a very nice apartment in St. Kilda if memory serves.
bec said...
David
or
Margaret?
Oh, Margaret. She reminds me of my ma. David looks as though he wears sock garters and is ever so grumpy.
Little Running Bear said...
I'm not even sure if this is an embarrassing confession but I used to love Compared to What down Brunswick Street midweek. Other than obvious obscurity, what made you think of them?
Also, I throw my hat in the ring with the I'mNotCraig game and say Silver Surfer.
I used to go and see Compared to What all the time, LRB. I lived with two members and remain friends with most of the band to this day. You and I no doubt ran into each other back there wearing Mooks when the Evelyn hotel used to have carpet. Ah, precious memories.
Anonymous said...
Do you think "In front of a cunt, every man kneels" (King and the Clown) could be the "Bitches leave!" for the new century?
I can't say I've yet been privy to that particularly charmed expression, Anon. What a lovely one it is. And yes, certainly a positive message of love and respect between the sexes to take us all towards a better tomorrow. Thank you for sharing.
meg said...
do you have any hush hush information re. the beasts of bourbon and their new album (last i heard it was tentatively titled 'little animals')?
by 'hush hush' i just mean.. any information at all, but i was trying to make both of us seem all the more interesting.
that's my question. i can summarise: have you heard anything at that radio station rumour mill about the new album?
excellent. enjoy your day, fits.
The only two things I know about the Beasts which you probably already know are a) They've signed to Albert's and b) They sacked drummer Tony Pola. Is that hush hush news or am I essentially revealing myself to be the pop-culture dunce everyone secretly suspects?
I really should go to more Triple R functions. I'm sure I'd get huge amounts of 'dirt' (<---this is an industry term).
Anonymous said...
Have these two been at it for ages or is it just me? Eg, "at it" = doing the Sanchez, putting wangs in business etc.
http://www.pm.gov.au/
&
http://www.hreoc.gov.au/about_the_commission/president_commissioners/goward.html
What, our honourable Prime Minister and that fussy strumpet Pru Goward? You'll have to google that one for yourself I'm afraid, Anon. The rumour has persisted for years, though no-one likes to think about it very much as it involves imagining John Howard pumping away manfully like a wee little piston engine on top of Katie Fischer's mum.
I'm not Craig said...
I think we have now proved conclusively that if you keep a joke going long enough, people will start to take it seriously, which neatly sums up John Howard’s political career. So for those who came in late, I was not actually in any band anyone has heard of and this guess which band I was in thing is really just an excuse for all of us who enjoyed the work of early 90s pub bands to go walking through the park and reminiscing.
I am of course greatly enjoying this game, and word up to Richo for the sheer creativity it took to suggest both Gentle Persuasion and the Orange Organics. A big shout also to Melbourne Girl for her plan to draw me out, which probably would have worked except that the only band on that list which I had ever heard of was Dexy’s Midnight Runners, so unless the aim was to find out if my real name is Eileen, I am mystified.
In the spirit of the event, and just to keep the joke going for another week, I was not Horsehead. Or the Headless Chickens. Or the Thrash Puppies.
Do you think people would notice if I just started making up names? Has anyone else been doing this?
1. HAD I NOT ALREADY SUGGESTED GENTLE PERSUASION OR AM I GOING MAD.
NB. Both of these may be correct.
2. I'm not sure if people would notice, but I for one have been playing 'above board' and I would expect only honourable guesses from our gamers.
3. Was it SPDFGH?
Anonymous said...
fitzroy..
(see what i've done there)
have you jumped on the myspace bandwagon yet?
what's your favourite word? (or top three if you don't play favourites..)
what do you want for christmas?
merry chris then fizzle!
hello Anon
1. Why, yes. I have been on the myspace bandwagon for some time now. In two different guises, no less.
2. Today my favourite words are 'admonish', 'gargantuan' and 'cacophony'.
3. A new digital camera, some excellent knickers and a deep and abiding tonguekiss.
Merry Christmas to you too. And may you 'fizzle' indeed.
zzymurgy said...
The Headless Chickens were from New Zealand, unless I'm mistaken, and I was under the impression it was a Melbourne band we were talking about.
And, just to contradict myself, The Celibate Rifles? The Elevator Music? Seraph's Coal? Invisible Bike? The Shh Pandas? The Shiver Me Timbers? Psychotic Intent? Mach Pelican?
The Band Name Generator could come in handy here.
You are being completely outmaneuvered here, INC. Come on, step up to the plate.
morgan said...
missy fits,
question 1: would you mind posting this link (never mind i already have by leaving this comment) for your good lefty readers to explore. it makes me very sad.
question 2: would you and all your readers have a loverly holiday season with much rest and merriment please?
1. Oh, of course. Though I'm not sure where it's getting us at the moment, disappointingly.
2. You heard the nice lady, people. Have a loverly holiday season with much rest and merriment. NOW.
Scallywag said...
I have an etiquette question. There's no easy way to segue into it, so I'll just have to ask away: there's a woman at my work who flushes the toilet every time one of her turds is about to hit the water in the toilet bowl, thereby disguising the splashing sound that might tip us off to the fact that she's taking a dump.
Six or seven flushes, people!
In these dry and droughty times, do I have a responsibility to say something to her?
Oh dear. I am so very glad someone else has stepped in here:
MelbourneGirl said...
scallywag
not only should you say something to the water waster, YOU MUST.
this is what you have to do.
1. kick down the door, and stand there and tell her the following. have some friends with you to support you.
2. tell her that putting paper in the bowl will soften the sound of the plops.
3. ask her what the fuck she's eating so that she drops that many and has to flush that often
4. suggest she do her poos at home
5. get together with whole office to buy her one of these:
The Sound Princess
Many Japanese women are embarrassed at the thought of being heard by others during urination. To cover the sound of bodily functions, many women flushed public toilets continuously while using them, wasting a large amount of water in the process. As education campaigns did not stop this practice, a device was introduced in the 1980s that, after activation, produces the sound of flushing water without the need for actual flushing. One brand name commonly found is the Otohime (Japanese: 音姫), which literally means Sound Princess, and is named after the Japanese goddess Otohime (the goddess's name, though, is written with different kanji (乙姫) meaning "younger princess"), the beautiful daughter of the sea-king Ryujin. This device is now routinely placed in most new public women's rooms, and many older public women's rooms have been upgraded.[40] The Otohime may be either a separate battery-operated device attached to the wall of the toilet, or included in an existing washlet. The device is activated by pressing a button, or by the wave of a hand in front of a motion sensor. After activation, the device creates a loud flushing sound similar to a toilet being flushed. This sound either stops after a preset time or can be halted through a second press on the button. It is estimated that this saves up to 20 liters of water per use.However, some women believe that the Otohime sounds artificial and prefer to use a continuous flushing of the toilet instead of the recorded flush of the Otohime. So far, there appears to be no demand for these devices for men's public toilets, and the devices are almost never installed in men's restrooms.(take from wikipedia)
it's probably too late to get it for her for Christmas, maybe her birthday.
Thankyou, MG. You saved my hide.
And some water into the bargain, interestingly. Most practical.
Anonymous said...
Ms Fits,
Could you please post the answers to the Thursday Quiz if you have not already done so?
Your wish is my command, Anon. Unless of course you wanted me to get down on all fours and scrub your dirty gumboots with my tongue whilst singing Alanis Morrisette's 'Thank You, India' song. That's just plain weird.
Witty Pseudonym said...
Dear Ms Fits,
I previously believed that you only experienced a minor phase of contributing to the dark art of Australian television drama, a small character developing blight, nothing more. However this is not true. Your activities in this field are extensive and ongoing. This vexes me. It has always been my opinion that these shows represent the worst facets of our culture, comforting and misleading the insecure. At best a waste of time, at worst pure evil. When growing up my peers and I would openly critique the negative cultural impact of these shows and make fun of the weak minded demographic. Forgive our cruelty but we did try to do the right thing. Redeeming a soap opera junkie would almost gain you as many points as turning a Christian into an Atheist or Agnostic, at least among my free thinking sub culture. Too late not to sound completely conceited? It was however a loosing battle as your affliction permeated my own home and it became personal if times clashed with SBS World News. Is there a danger that an avid viewer of such programs would be more inclined to grow up to be a self absorbed, suburban consumer right wing conformist? Ok, that might be a stretch, and I am sure you are better aware of your own demographics. I know there are light hearted, and tongue in cheek viewers and I can relate to that, as I love listening to John Laws as there is no better comedy.
My question is how do you see your work?
Harmless fun?
A mischievous challenge?
Professional art?
A strange niche you found yourself in?
Something else?
Why couldn’t you be the writer for the Weekly Daily Show?
You intrigue and conflict.
Respectfully yours,
WP.
I have the moral high ground because I am using John Lennon as my picture.
Blenny – I am right here.
I’m Not Craig – “I was not actually in any band anyone has heard of” Has it been covered that by this statement it is possible that you were not in a band at all?
JP – Does your book have Space Pirates?
Meg – The link associated with your profile name, got me at an inappropriate time. Well done.
I don't know, WP. I enjoy writing television; it seems a light-hearted pursuit and it pays well. Obviously there are some jobs I relish more than others in a creative sense, and I particularly like writing children's drama. I'm not going to go red in the face defending it as a profession as I don't as a rule immerse myself in the box on a daily basis and indeed have been exploring several other writing avenues. I see it as all those things you mentioned, and if I am offered a job as a writer on the Weekly Daily Show I shall accept as once.
p.s. I very much appreciate your community noticeboard at the end there, particularly the offering of yourself to blenny as a threeway participant. YOU SEE BLENNY, IT'S WORKING.
Ryan said...
Dearest Fitsy, I've been so busy since I got back that I've barely had time think at all, let alone amble my way through the corridors of my mind to come up with a question.
So, this week, what should my question be? (I was thinking something quite witty, that would make people think "Oh, I'd like to know that chap, as he seems fairly clever and funny")
This is as good a place to start as any, Ryan. I'd like to know you for the sole reason of you raising this particular query, though to be honest if you'd instead used your question time to ask me out for a lavish meal followed by a night in watching Bill Hicks videos naked I would have felt equally as fond of you.
Anonymous said...
You know how, when you're in the middle of some serious fucking, and you look into the eyes of the other person you can see right into their soul?
That's cool, huh?
Oh Anon, it is. And, sadly, particularly rare. These moments are to be cherished for their fleeting nature, I find. And their perfect, searing, heartbreaking simplicity is to be carried in your pocket until the end of time itself.
********************
Anyone who I've missed, many apologies. You will be first up next week, IF THERE IS INDEED A NEXT WEEK. My holiday blogging schedule will be deliberately flexible and dependent on whether a) I can be arsed, or b) if Peter Costello does something mildly amusing during the festive season. You can - as ever - leave your questions for Friday 29th in the comments below.
Have a magnificent, drunken Christmas and please buy your mother something nice.
323 days til the next election.
Comments
Dear Ms Fits, have been titillated by your blog for some time - particularly when you put the boot/stiletto into the unabashed hypocrisy of the neo-con encumbancy and its murdochian sickofants. I believe you are in the process of writing a novel, well, I too am doing just that; however I've chosen the self-flagellatory path of publishing my efforts online each week.
Perhaps you would care to pay a visit and glance a perusal: if you deign left a comment I think I would verily have kittens ...
See - http://evissap-novelinprogres.blogspot.com.
Cheers, COREMAN.
Oh,and have a Merry Thingomas.
Hello.
How wonderfully witty in the way of Wilde is that regular column on green newspaper that I read every Friday. I savour it. Your blog is similarly entertaining, although at times somewhat impenetrable for one not belonging to your coterie.
Anyway, there was talk recently about Spicks and Specks. I have been watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLkn4l0yJPk) and wonder why nothing so enticing and sweetly vitriolic in nature makes it onto our screens here? Do we need an ABC1 and ABC2, one each for the major political parties and an ABC3 for the Greens which displays non-stop footage of serene old-growth rainforests interspersed with chainsaw accidents amongst boorish (possibly hirsute if you will) loggers?
Thus is my amiration and a question.
did you know that you're only three weeks away from the banality of a one year anniversary of q and a? excitement abounds, no less.
for the anonymous who wrote about proposals
i told my partner i was pregnant. he ran away. literally. we were standing in the driveway, and he ran down the beach and disappeared for a few hours. then he decided we should have an abortion, then he decided we'd keep it. then he told his parents. then he came home and said we should get married. and i said 'this is because of your parents' and he said '...no'. then we went to a suburban shopping centre and bought the only ring i didnt find ugly for under $100. then he asked me to marry him. i said yes. then we had a baby. then another baby. then we broke up. now i'm renting a house and he's living in our house and going out with a girl 10 years younger than him.
so
as far as hollywood movies are concerned? not so much. actual people in hollywood? maybe a little, yeah
hi ms fits, how are you?
I wonder if Germaine has read your blog yet? Hi Germaine *waves* if you're reading.
But seriously, she is one of my all time heroes and she scares the living shite out of me. I couldn't even "come" at the thought that she might see anything I had written. I feel your pain.
Have been wanting to tell you for a while that my parents are big fans of yours. (They watch the book show and mum likes your GG column). This is quite a feat re father as he is one of the world's most serious men. He especially loved your "reading this book is like eating 800 Ryvitas" comment.
Have you noticed that a lot of people ape your writing style when posing questions for Friday Q&A?
I was reading the movie reviews on Salon when I was bored at work last week, and I came across a review by a young lass called Stephanie Zacharek of a movie called Venus with Peter O'Toole which is about the relationship between a young woman and a much older man (P.O'T playing the second part, just to set your mind at ease). Anyway, at one point in the film he apparently takes the opportunity to look up the young lass's skirt, and Ms Zacharek's comment is "Personally, I think it's perfectly OK to look up a woman's skirt, as long as one is gentlemanly about it."
So, here's my question. There's a gentlemanly way to look up a woman's skirt ? Are you by any chance familiar with this, and could you describe it to me ? Would it be anything like Leslie Nielsen looking up Priscilla Presley's skirt in Naked Gun - "Nice beaver !".
Also, I have noticed that in the last week or so you appear to have been pining for a decent round of passionate kissing. Can I just take this opportunity to say that I think it is a complete indictment of the young men of Melbourne and surrounding districts that you are not completely sated in this regard, and that I hope that this situation resolves itself toot sweet.
Oh Fits, your blog makes me smile & puts a high on my otherwise drab day.
Umm no questions this week, merely wanna say "Hi Hi Hi" to Germaine if she's reading as i absolutely adore her.
Peace
Hey Ms Fits,
Being a frequent reader of this here blog, I know that you enjoy eating out. I was just wondering if you ever frequented a restaurant on St Kilda Rd, known (at it's demise, it apparently had another name earlier) as The Dark Side? Apparently patrons ate in total darkness and the staff had night-vision goggles to see where to put the food, drinks etc.
Unfortunately, by the time my BF and I had got around to booking a visit, it had been taken over a mere month prior. I'd love to hear if you or any of the RYWHM readers had a dining experience there.
kateM
dear lady, i am charmed, truly...
YOU are wonderful & you made me blush...
can we hold hands in the new year?
While we're talking of stolen identities, can I just let you know -
SOME TOTAL BASTARD HAS STOLEN MY BLOGS THIS MORNING.
Anonymouslefty and boltwatch have been hijacked. Temporarily I'm at hackedlefty.blogspot.com until Blogspot does the right thing and bloody well restores them... although god knows if that'll actually happen.
Anyway, hackedlefty.blogpot.com in the meantime. Sorry for hijacking YOUR thread!
Lefty.
Dear Ms Fits, oops ... not wishing to clog your blog, or over-stuff your stocking, but that web address shoulda read: evissap-novelinprogress.blogspot.com.
Have yourself a lovely one - and may the road rise with you,
COREMAN (hic!)
I've eaten at The Dark Side. Food was very good, and not as messy as you'd imagine, although I did pour my beer into my lap, mistaking a glass for a bottle. It would be an excellent place for a date, as you listen harder, smell and taste a lot more by contrast- very sexy. We were told by the waiter that a lot of blind people take sighted friends there to get a taste. Depending on how sorry you are to have missed the experience, you could always poke out your eyes.
Merry Christmas oh sexay one.
xx
This book from 1967 makes some scandalous accusations, I must say.
We've been taught that in God we must trust,
And obeying each law is a must,
But this Miss Fit's leery,
Of the gravity theory,
For to her Newton's Law is a bust.
And then some primitive photoshopping.
Strange world, eh?
(Courtesy of boing boing.)
Fits,
In response to a comment from JP in last week's Friday Q and A, the question was put to me by JP 'How many cocks would you suck for a flying car?' My response was: 2 upon visual evidence of said car, 4 with physical evidence of it, 8 with actual evidence of this car flying. JP - let's call him JAMES - he came back to me, said 'But what if they are commonplace at the time you get offered this car? What if you don't know how to fly this car? I liken this tactic to asking a question like: 'Would you sleep with Angelina Jolie?' 'Hell, yes.' 'But what if she is dead? You've really got to ask the question.' Of course I assumed the scenario was based in a here and now sense, and fully stand by my response - a small price to pay for a car which is said to be worth hundreds of thousands by MIT developers working on a similar project. So, Ms. Fit But You Know It, in a fully intelligent and mature sense, my question is how many cocks would you suck for flying car? Also, there's a picture of yout tits on this site?
. . . (Philip Ruddock excepted. I hope he gets firmly kicked in the testicles for Christmas). . .
I was just wondering how you would feel if you woke up on Christmas morning to the news that Ruddock had been given a nasty knock to the nads by a stranger.
And not in a 'You should be careful what you post on the internet there's all sorts of wierdos out there' kind of way. More in a 'what do you reckon you would actually feel?' way.
And would it make you more careful of what you posted, or braver? And if you wished for more things to happen, like, say, Vanstone getting Ebola virus on her shoe, and it happened, would you be shit scared, or feel like Super Blogger, here to save the world?
I have not, do not and will not ever be involved in kicking high profile people in the nuts, or using any kind of virus for any kind of anything. I just thought it was an interesting concept. :)
During Xmas my 13 year-old-niece - who's not an emo and is into hardcore ("It's just called hardcore" apparently, after Uncle Cloudy naively asks what kind) - introduced me to Salad Fingers.
Thoughts?
Hi Ms Fits
When you said “THAT'S TWICE WE'VE ASKED NICELY FOR CLUES NOW”, were you referring to the part where you said “We'll smoke this jazz-fusion fucker from his hole if it kills us. ARE YOU LISTENING, INC”?
I liked Witty Pseudonym’s suggestion that I was never in a band at all. It’s also possible that I am a 72 year old atheist from the Ukraine, and my name really is Craig.
Since this competition is getting more and more detached from reality with every passing week, perhaps we should expand it to include “Guess which café I owned” or “Suggest which art gallery I curated” or some such.
I also tried out zzymurgy’s idea of using the Band Name Generator. I think my favourite was “I'mnotcraig Tractor and the Love Core”.
That is also not the correct answer.
Since people are asking for hints, may I offer the following:
1. Mid 90s
2. From Melbourne
3. No record deal of any kind ever, not even with some indy label or something
4. You have never heard of this band. No-one has.
5. It was not The Woodshedders
And just to go off topic for a moment, if Bingle Bells is not in production by June next year, the executives are clearly out of touch with what the community wants.
Hope you had a great Christmas.
Bugger, Fitsy (as opposed to "Bugger Fitsy" - not really in the Christmas spirit and all that), I'd also conidered asking about some naked Bill Hicks watching; picked the wrong blasted question. Oh well...
Did you have a good alcohol-sodden Christmas?
You could always attach the ankle strap to the vibrator; hence, if you put it to too high a setting and you both part company, it's merely a quck flick of the leg for retrieval.
Now, which Liberal politician do you loath the least? Why - what is their redeeming feature (I'm assuming that there will be no more than one)?
Hi Ms Fits,
Lovely to read you got some good pressies. That said, the lurkers here will be champing at the bit to see evidence of this digital camera.
On the topic of evidence, my man A "for Andrew" H, rebutted my question of last week regarding how many dicks he'd gag on to own (“win”) a flying car. He's since replied with a point of clarification in that I think (I zoned out reading it in the middle there) he wrote: "…8 (cocks) with actual evidence of this car flying". He actually said "20" originally but hey, that's fine dude, back peddle. After 8 guys bust a loaf in your mouth, I hope you enjoy flying in that car. I hate to think what I have to do to get a ride in this thing.
Ok, my Q (and I believe the true meaning behind the Great Cock Smoking Stoush of 2006 between JP and AH): would you rather read a novel with dick and fart jokes, complete with a GIANT SPIDER appearing in part 3, or a novel devoid of jokes? And no, it's not ELTON v AMIS, it's JP v AH's novels, both being published in 2007. Low brow entertainment v middle brow (around cock height) entertainment.
I know a few guys who would be more excited at getting to suck off 8 guys than get the flying car. Can we get a little less homophobic, please?
Dear Ms Fits,
I feel lame asking you this, but you are my internerd hero and always seem to just know, and you are always very generous with your answers to other people. So, here goes: what is the deal with the 'friend' thing on Mess and Noise? I like to read it, and am a member (I have a login, no less) but is it a good idea to start communicating on it as well? I already have a myspace site where I write to my flesh-and-blood friends, have a very busy and important job educating 'our future', hang out with boys that will make me feel interesting emotions to write songs about, and also sometimes play gigs with those songs... so should I feel empty without this extra notch of communication-form in my belt?
Thank you for your time.
love Kali
Ms Fits,
Why do folks continue to videotape themselves shagging?
http://www.totallynsfw.com/videos/videos_english_football_roasting_romp/
Cut and paste - not safe for viewing at work!
Comments are closed.