Reasons you will hate me

"I think it's your cunning blog name that is protecting your true identity, Bevis. Brilliantly done, if I do say so myself."


Would you suggest I change it to "I'm Not BEVIS"?


PS - Are Matty B and Krankiboy meant to be "bathed naked in milk and virgin-juice and covered in kisses (within reason)" together - and on their own / to each other? And would it be the first time?

A personal affront? A reference to your program? Surely if I wanted to say anything about either your long-running, and frequently digestible, radio show, or your new found intellectual "grand prix" televisual excursions, I would have made direct reference to them.

Indeed, if I wanted to affront you personally, I should jolly well pop around unannounced and have it out face to face like true gentlefolk should. But, nay, it is neither of these that prompted my question.

It was in fact a query regarding the mainstream sexualisation of the female form. I know, it's been around before, and for a long time, and all the rest of that. But I am still not quite sure whether women dressing in revealing skimpy outfits and shaking their bits for the titillation of the slavering audience (and I do not exclude females from this description) is particularly progressive or empowering.

I am not one to tell people what they should or shouldn't do with their time, or indeed their bodies, but there is a big long string of political theory behind empowerment through sexual expression, and a barely vote-eligible teen dressing like a Hollywood hooker, dancing like a gangsta ho, and pashing random girl chums to impress the boy of her dreams doesn't seem to be all that literate in said feminist/equality hypotheses.

That was more the thrust of my question. As I can't reconcile the apparent permissiveness of the New Raunch Culture (TM) with the stranglehold of neo-conservativism, I can only assume they are part of the same broad social trend, and that perhaps a more sinister movement exists below the pole-dance-your-way-to-fitness surface of the naughties.

Problem being, it seems anyone who brings up the topic is accused of prudishness, which is a great way to silence criticism.

This might have been asked before, apologies etc... But can I ask which is your favourite computer font? Im addicted to Arial Narrow and i think i might be alone and slightly weird. (oh and ps do u pronounce it "aerial or aaarghrial"?)

Further, my work is so boring that the only thing that excites me about a new working year is giving myself a new Outlook "signature".

Could you please advise as to a snappy font/size/color combo which is very 2007, using the following template:

Ms Fits
Chief Writer/Stylist
Reasons You Will Hate Me

PS. Id like it to somehow convey that even though i work as a solicitor, I hate the very thought that somehow i became a boring solicitor - perhaps without getting me fired/a written warning.

If I may, NOT Comic Sans MS. It's used by way too many people who are trying to convey the thought that they are more interesting than they are, hence rendering it boring. (Who am I to talk - I'm posting about fonts!) Anyways, I like Century Gothic, 12 pt.

Woodsman IMHO Arial (pron. aerial, by me) is a bit bland. Whats wrong with Times New Roman 12 pt - perhaps using colours?. Having said that I am a public servant, so am far more boring than you could ever be.

Hey I used to play in Beanflipper!

StripSaver Fan Blog - My blog about sexy desktop software aka StripSaver. This original sexy screen saver shows on your screen a total collection of the best sexy girls in animation

Fuck reason, just kisses.

there is no such thing as flighty in a good way. sorry, but there it is.

x

Ha. Re literary speed-dating and your choice in taking along "A Confederacy of Dunces": Does that mean that if Bolt (who, it must be noted, has a face like a bulldog chewing wasps) had of shown up with that book too, you two would have been soulmates for the evening? Being with him would be like having your threeway: you, him, and his ugly fucking aura of evil.
For the record, I would take along David Niven’s "The Moon's a Balloon." And no, I’m not going to give it a go. I did speed dating once (set up for the MTV show “FullTank”, so it doesn’t really count) at Ginger Bar in FITZROY. And, while in there, a couple girls went by and pressed their NAKED BOOBIES against the front window. Just had to share that. It always comes back to boobs…

Happy New Years, to you adorable Ms, and may I say congrats and admiration to you having the fortitude to spend it alone. Good for the soul, I did it one year and lasted until 4 am before acquiesing to join the throng.
I regretted it, I had a much better time by myself than I did seeing 30 people crawling round on the floor at 8 am.
And I think you can be flighty in a good way. It pretty much describes Geminis.
Better than being flaky in a good way, as I have been called before.

darling sub. hello. how can you be flighty in a good way. can you explain, maybe i've got it wrong.

it's happened before.

no, really!

Why would someone want to pay $50,000 for a Paris Hilton sex doll when you can get a blow up one for $20 that has more personality?

Speaking of sex dolls, this is the most advanced one I could find and is more a prostibot or digital companion really:
http://www.andydroid.com/accueil_eng.htm

Have you seen this response to dick in a box Ms. Fits?

Box in a box: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xElIik0Ys0&eurl=

It's a one line joke but the lady staring in it does have very fine norks.

My birthday's May 21st if you're buying.
"My bush has never lied"... "My taco is certified"...
That Michelle Leslie really is funny.
Wonder what Statler would say?

Wait, I'm Statler? The ass chin? Waldorf is so much cooler, that crazy Albert Einstein hair.

And yes, that Michelle Leslie is funny, especially when she made that joke about being a Muslim. Hilarious. 'Look at me, I'm wearing a Burkha, later losers.'

That said, the girl in this clip is very pretty and it will vaguely link to some sort of question for you, Fitto:

Is there, in your opinion, a high percentage of attractive women who are funny (being yourself someone who fits into both of these categories) or are most pretty ladies too focussed on being pleasing to the eye to have a laugh at themselves?

And I realise the question is case sensitive, as individual senses of humour (?) relate differently to different folk, but considering, I guess, women in comedic entertainment roles. You don't see too many Angelina Jolie types having a laugh at themselves. Do you feel self-depreciation, in order to have a laugh, makes a person more attractive?

I could be in a too-many-coffees bad mood but man I just have lash out a bit here.

Last Scientician: Oh for Gods sake, cut the feminist, tangle-yourself-up-in-political-theory, rubbish. Some of the most self-possessed, confident women I ever met were strippers and call girls. They knew exactly who they were in the world and weren't the least bit fucked up about it or their bodies. Feminist psycho-babble is a wank. People are people (sorry Depeche Mode) whether they are stripped naked swinging on a slippery pole or sack clothed in a pulpit. (I'm a bit dash-happy today too it seems).
As for reconciliation of conservatism and sex, look to the great dollar and the pleasure principal. It's case of selling faith on one hand (for the ultimate after death pleasure and the current cash return), or sex (for the here-and-now pleasure and the current cash return). Each to their own heaven I guess.
Once the mighty Jo/Joe public gets bored we'll move on. I think we should sexualise plants next.


Woodsman: Be careful with the sign-off, you could end up coming across like a bank clerk with a cartoon tie and socks.

AH: Is there, in your opinion, a high percentage of attractive men who are funny, or are most handsome men too focussed on being pleasant to the eye?

One question: I'm thinking, John Howard looks like the Lorax and thinks like the Onceler. What kind of parents produced the bastard child that has the worst characteristics of these two Dr Seuss characters.

dearest ms fits,

i braved your southern city and thoroughly enjoyed myself. my time was somewhat enhanced by a small boutique hotel, much alcohol, meeting many new and entertaining friends, a yarra river cruise(!), the discovery of some rather exciting/cool/kitsch/trendy bars and eating enough pasta to kill a horse.

my time in your fair town was diminished because that stupid restaurant tram is booked out for MONTHS(!) so i didnt get to go, and i also didnt get to go to schnitz and tits which i was most disappointed about.

my question is this: how hard would it be for a gal like me to make new friends if i actually moved to melbourne?

Knowing your enjoyment of all things edible & list-able, and getting the distinct feeling that we live close by, I thought I may pique your interest with a brief list of my personal favourite food finds of Melbourne’s inner north…

1) Best chickpea dish…I would do a number of unspeakable things for the recipe to the Moroccan Soup Bar's creamy/crispy chickpea salad.

2) Best location for group food…it is difficult to surpass the squisshyness of the corner lounges, the yummyness of the home-style Japanese food and the quirky yet romantic candle-lit dunny of the Upstairs Lounge at Peko Peko on Smith St.

3) Best meal in a bag…Fitzroy North’s Green Grocer does great in all things organic, but always floors me with the delectability and surprising economy of its take home ‘slow food’ dinners…mmmm

4) Best place to imagine you are in another time & place…while devouring a spanakopita at Melissa’s on Smith St I always imagine myself in 1950’s midtown New York…or is that just me?

5) Best takeaway thai dish ever….Prawn Pad Tom Yum from SukhoThai, just don’t order the (always over-cooked) rice, make your own at home.

My questions are…have you experienced any of the delights of the above? And, may I ask for your own local culinary quirks?

my question is this, fits: considering the amazing coincidence (i think not) of statler and waldorf being referenced on this blog oft at the moment, AND a reference slipped in to one of the dialogues on neighbours right at the end of last year, to a law firm i think it was called statler and waldorf, am i right in suspecting suspiciously that some of the brethren here are in fact neighbours writers?

i am starting to triangulate something fishy here, and i wonder if the little green frog, a muppetophile, is somehow a part of it?

you don't have to answer if you don't want.



what am i saying.

please do.

don waist my toime.

how's the blogroll coming?

Bono, something? still hate Bono? i will wear you down. possibly to a nub, but hopefully not.

xx

p.s. i KNOW bob ellis is slightly rotund - no more bacon!

Hiya Ms. Fits. Long time lurker, first time questioner, love your work, later, rinse, repeat.

I wanted to ask what your thoughts on the "reasons" for blogs are. I started mine as a way to keep up with friends, and have gone through a rather rapid realisation that I am not terribly funny, and my blog is mostly personal stuff.

Reading through my blogroll of funny, witty, smart people, I often wonder how I can bring my game up. Any suggestions on how to write a better blog? (In general terms of course).

Thanks and Happy 2007.

My apologies Mr. Morton. I was not referring to professionals in the sex/erotic entertainment industry, who presumably have a much better idea of who they are than many women.

Just more wondering what happened to the porn/exploitation backlash mania of the 1970s, and what this new sex oriented culture has, if anything, to do with it. I find it interesting no matter what, that the whole raunch culture is wholly and solely marketed and directed at women. You don't see dudes signing up for "Manpower classes", the success of The Full Monty aside. Or buying Peter North's non-seller "How to make cum faces like a porn star".

I'm not suggesting it's all bad, just that there doesn't seem to be any open discussion about the merits and disadvantages of women defining themselves by their coochies.

I understand, AH, that a plane and a flying car are not one and the same, all I was attempting to do was save your blessed cheek and throat muscles from the pain and exertion that 8 well-sucked tally-whackers would result in. Just offering up suggestions re compromise and 'making do' notions. I'm a caring yet practical young poppet. I am also hot with a smokin' body and extremely fuckin' funny.

JP, thanks for the thumbs up in regards to my 'serious can action', I fail to see what my possession of fabulous knockers has to do with my own appreciation of same in others, but I guess it was more of a guileful ploy on your part to write the word 'boobs' as often as possible, almost as if writing the word multitudinously will somehow hasten the appearance of said knockers. Or any pair of knockers for that matter. I hope you've given the Superman y-fronts I gave you a whirl by now.

And now for the most important addressee, My Dearest Ms Fits, to find me for next years New Years celebrations, all you need do is click your heels three times and say "There's no babe like The Slapper Princess". I appear in naught but splendid shoes and a smile. Or you can email slapperprincess@gmail.com at 11:59pm 31 December, 2007 or before.

And to finally end this lengthy passage, my question is along the lines of this: girlie nails and waxing course (learn a trade with which to improve oneself), six months in Scotland working (excuse to boink as many Scotsmen as possible, working in menial job) or wait around for a couple of months to see if something more exciting 'pops up' (possibly putting off growing up even more than Scot-boinking idea)?

Nio - you're right, there are not a lot of attractive men who are humourous. I do, however, believe there is more pressure on attractive women to be pretty over witty, therefore making the percentage smaller.

Slapper Princess - thank you for your concern. I took your comment as an affront to my ability to decipher the question and I do apologise.

Wow, where to start.
AH: dude, you know I have Einstein hair. And where are these atractive girls of which you speak?
Slapper: yet to wear the superman jocks. It doesn't seem right to wear them under my shorts or jeans, so I'm waiting for the right occasion to wear them on the outside.
MG: hmmm...
HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar
and hands it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the
corner store and buy yourself a clue.
Go on.

Hi all (Scientician 'specially)
I was such a cranky bum yesterday. Apologies all round.
Crawls back into hole (I hope it's the right one this time).
Lot's of laugh to Ms Fits and fans for constantly making my day.

who is the smartest person you have met?

Why is the Herald Sun so up itself? They act like the "peoples paper" but they are very elitist (the photo desk editor did put me on the spot as it is difficult to say which of the 300+ bands I should say I have photos of.)

In comparision I sent an email to a staff member at the Age and they rang me up with details of who I should get in touch with in regards to contributions.

Hi Ms Fits,

my question: if for some reason readership of this blog dwindled to a half-hearted trickle, would you continue to write? why or why not?

and i would like to take this opportunity to duly apologise for the extremely saucy yet inappropriate dream i had about you, me and the giant bath last night...

Dear Ms Fits

My you have been very busy lately, I just can’t keep up. Is there some automated way of knowing when you have made a new posting ?.
So with my serious hat on I shall make an attempt to catch up;

1. I should apologize if my last posting caused any offence, it was indeed a bit tacky !. I seem to have gotten carried away in the heat of the moment … I thought of posting an apology shortly afterwards but then I thought I have seen much worse on your blog, so sorry if I offended.

2. I too was totally devastated after the last federal election. I could not believe that the Australian people could be so stupid as to vote for Little Johnny and the Jackboots for a fourth term !!!. But fear is a very powerful emotion and people who are afraid will do very stupid things …
I wonder what “we” will be afraid of next time ?. Will it perhaps be global warming ?. From the party who has had it’s head stuck in the sand for a decade whilst global warming has been occurring at an apparently unnatural and ever increasing pace since the start of the industrial revolution !.
Does it take more than nine years of drought for these morons to realize that being wealthy isn’t going to protect them from the effects of global warming ?.

Sorry rant over, I don’t think I have recovered from the last election yet !.

3. Uh Oh, Threesomes, here are just three reasons why this is an incredibly bad idea,
1. If he has to ask, then this is likely to be an awkward and embarrassing event and probably shouldn’t happen.
2. If it’s embarrassing now, it will only get worse over time. Just imagine (in the future) explaining what you where doing to your partner … Never mind your daughter and granddaughters …
3. Most men have enough trouble keeping just one woman satisfied, it’s virtually impossible, anatomically speaking, for a man to keep two woman satisfied at the same time !!!.

4. Last Thursday I was delighted to read you refer to projectile vomiting and commercial TV in your article in the GG. I think this is only appropriate given the swill that commercial TV constantly serves up !!.
Do you still have a contract with the Age ?. I look forward to reading what you have written tomorrow …

I am delighted to hear you had a good NYE after all,
Topcat

PS Is “Dear Ms Fits” overly presumptuous of me on only my second posting on your blog ?.

PPS The formatting seems to have gone a little astray in my posting, but I'm sure you can fix that ...

So after putting up with Dallas Crane again at Meredith and just now watching them on the telly at (oh fuck, hang on, that Letterman cunt is on) that Vodafone church thingaling, my Friday question is this:

Why has nobody realised how shit Dallas Crane are? I mean sure, they've come up with the odd guitar riff and all, but seriously, they're all out of tune, and that one guy keeps screaming in a half arsed falsetto that would even make Brian Johnson cringe, not to mention him mounting a foldback wedge whenever the actual solo playing guitarist plays a solo and makes out like maybe it's him busting out a shitty solo instead of the actual solo playing guitarist, and has referred to themselves somewhat immodestly as 'The Mighty Crane', and they're as boring as a brickbatshithouse, so I'm just wondering why nobody ever mentions it?

Are they related to important people then? You know, the church/melbourne mafia? Like Dan Kelly?

'Cos I'm just wondering is all.

Courtesy of Chris Masters’ Jonestown, I have acquired a splendid new word - psittacine.
My problem is that while I can pretentiously drop it into correspondence, I am in dire risk of making a complete tit of myself if I attempt to introduce it into conversation. Is the p silent? Is the s silent? Is the c hard or soft or, perhaps pronounced ch? Does the word rhyme with sign, or with scene? Does the first syllable rhyme with shit or with shite?
Ms Fits, my ability to contribute meaningfully to discourse in 2007 awaits your advice.

Hey dear Fitsy, I think I did go too far in the debauchary stakes, but that was the lead up to NYE, which frankly left me rather ambivalent towards the whole event.

No sobbing endlessly over lost girls - upwards an onwards to the date (which I must mention went quite wonderfully).

Now, will you be reading Radio City: the first 30 years of 3RRR?Did you realise that JJJ apparently rates half in Melbourne what it does in other capital cities?

Will there ever be an opportunity for us to listen to webcasts of the show, as when you are on, it's 11am here, and I can't stream at work, so miss the opportunity to listen to your undoubtedly dulcet tones?

Can I just add that I've only briefly skimmed the other comments this week as have been rather busy, but I do like the decidely boob-esque slant the discussions are taking. Up the boobs!

Were you in Beanflipper? Fresh Outa Plums? The Doug Anthony All Stars? Madison Avenue? Creedence Clearwater Recycled?

I see we’ve returned to the Twenty20 form of this game.

No. And not Leonardo’s Bride.


It has recently occurred to me that I now spend more time answering Friday Questions than asking them. Is this weird?

Hello Ms Fits,

My question is, can we please have some respite from JP's and AH's comedy routine? It was funny at first but I think it's just bad manners to continue it for so long on someone else's blog. I hope they'd rather be thought of as decent guys than insufferable showoffs.

Also, I just wanted to add that my friends and I like to refer to JP as J "AWESOME!" P, where the AWESOME! is said in an Ashton Kutcher Punk'd kind of way.

Dear Ms Fits and other readers,

What do you think of http://www.gnod.net/ as a way to find out about authors, music and movies? Friends of mine don't seem to offer recommendations much anymore and, to be quite frank, I wouldn't trust a couple of them anyway.