Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #53.

Last night I took the longest bike ride around a sticky Melbourne evening...over hill, over dale, through the mean streets of Preston (please don't fret as I am a 'Crip'), around and around parklands and back alleys. It made me smile all over. Add to that the fact that my best friend in the whole world arrived home in the country today and I picked her up at the airport in costume and she laughed her beautiful laugh like a drain and now there hardly seems anything to be cheerless about.


Of course, we've still got these Friday questions threatening to derail us...

Anonymous said...
All this talk about burlesque, how come there isn't any boylesque. Why do girls get to have all the fun?

In New York they have this performer for a start
Scott the Blue Bunny

Also at Miss Exotic World 2006
http://flickr.com/photos/missfirecracker/sets/72157594152145073/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/csb13/sets/72157594149825033/

There was:
Sexy Mark Brown
Dizzy Swank
Wade
Rose Wood
Roky Roulette
Tigger

Fred Negro having sex with roast chicken is the closest we get to a show here! (photos exist!)

Hmm. Not entirely certain Fred Negro having sex with a roast chicken (did he let it cool first? I am terribly concerned) counts as burlesque per se, but I do get your point. I would absolutely love to see some Melbourne boylesque, and have been bullying my friend Glenny G into starting up a troupe for years as he is an insufferably adorable showoff and would fill out a pair of hotpants marvellously. Where are all you boys with feather boas and cheeky come-hither torch songs, anyway? DON'T MAKE ME COME LOOKING FOR YOU.


p.s. Scott the Blue Bunny is absolutely fucking fascinating.



What does he do, do you suppose?


p.p.s. 'Sexy Mark Brown' is possibly the best name for a performer ever in the history of time.

richardwatts said...
Go on, lots of people I know would love the chance to fuck off overseas and shag Scottish fellows.

Make that lots of people plus one, Fits. Mmmmm, Scottish accents...

Get in line, Watts. Och aye and other such racially insensitive cliches, etc.

sublime-ation said...
I have been in Northcote sometime after new years and for some reason they do like their fireworks belated. Just like me, those crazy kids are.
As for the wrath of MG, don't worry cause we are like that (indicates fingers crossed) and she even lets me smoke my filthy 'rollies' around her pristine lawn and/or children/tennis court.
As for 'flighty in a good way', one can be light and airy as a flibertygibbit, a will o'the wisp (can you tell my early childhood was influenced by the genius of Oscar Hammerstein the Second, oh yes you can) a GIRL.
Like Maria, without the overly earnest part, and the making clothes out of curtains bit (unless they are extremely nice curtains), that's ok.

God that was hard to type after one too many wines in the Fitzroy Gardens with V Dog (sorry, Fairy Blood).

I think this Q & A was thoroughly enjoyable, like the old days.
Wonderful.

ps a Question. I do keep forgetting to ask you. Are you really writing a novel, and if so, what is it about? Random House offered no clues.

pps I am going to Scotland in April. Lord help me now.

You thought last week's Q and A was enjoyable like the old days, Subs? Goodness, have I been letting my otherwise high standards slip?


Honestly, you're a tough crowd to please. You really are.


*cries*


Anyhow. I am supposed to be writing a novel, yes. I started one last year about a talking dog and a chronic masturbator and occasionally go back to sniff at its corpse. This year I plan to utililse the winter months impressing the fine upstanding citizens at Penguin and NO YOU CAN'T KNOW WHAT MY SUBJECT MATTER IS AS DESPITE ALL OUTWARD APPEARANCES I AM INTENSELY PRIVATE.

Also I plan to co-write a funny book with Television's Kynan Barker. So there you go.

Anonymous said...
Hey FM,

I stumbled (well not really stumbled, it was bit more intentional) on your blog and flipped through it. Of course I know you write quirkly well, I have read you on The Age. Without beating around the burning-bush anymore, I happened to read your piece on A2 last week on literary dating and my heart sank lower than Zimbabwe's currency. Why I hear you ask? Well I was one of the men who was there. Either one of, beautiful men with awful book or awful men with wonderful tomes. Or one who ended up trying to sell himself with a snooty book. I don't know which is worse, that you didn't pick me (duh!) or that I didn't get my 0.15seconds of anonymous fame in the piece. Yes, I wasn't mentioned in the piece! Damn, I will fire my PR Consultant. Anyway I thought I would write to you without making any particular point.. it happens you know, Friday night, reading a week old newspaper, on a laptop and Google to search. Which makes me wonder have I sunk even lower like Wife Swap TV shows and actually Googled someone to write an email.

I better go, before I plumb any further depths.

Cheers!

Oh, dear. I had a sneaking suspicion that one of the gentlemen in attendance would find me out. Did you really want to score a mention, though? Most of the people under the microscope in that article were pointed out solely because they were complete arse. Did we have a soul connection which I blindly missed as I am an idiot? Did you make waves with a lady of the book-loving persuasion? Which was your novel of choice? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone (except the Age, obvs).

Anonymous said...
Two common used terms by myself:

Dumb Left.

and

Informed Left.

I feel very alone.

This is a cry for help.

With double spacing.

It seems you all (sorry, includes you) do not know many things.

As popular as I am (Alpha male US high school style), I continue in my right wing profession without true understanding like minded friends.

My question is:

Do you know any exceptional women around 32 years old living in Darwin.

She needs to be intellignent (no it does not go without saying), wealthy (I am already, and actually she doesn't need to be), independant, athletic (hot, as I am), who prefers talking smack all night rather than dancing (which I am good at but choose not to do, dancing that is), and is generally just an old softy who is nearly a communist.

Oh, sorry, she must also be cool with a guy who has killed for the evil militant west and has problems with it.

No, not you.

That should rule everyone out.

Sigh, why bother.

You heard the man, early-thirties hot women of Darwin. On the lookout for a catch like our Anon here? He likes to talk 'smack', you know. Pity you ruled me out; I have been hunting for some devilishly charming heart-throb who has killed for the evil militant west. WHERE ARE YOU, MY TRIGGER-HAPPY LOVE?


This makes me think I should dust off the RYWHM dating service again. Last time we tried hooking people up TobyToby secretly ran away and married the lovely mskp. Love can bloom via weblog, you know.


Stop laughing up the back.

Kartar said...
I have loved Sarah Silverman since I first saw her on SNL and then Tough Crowd. I mean anyone who comes up with - "I was raped by a doctor, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl..." Genius.

If you don't already have it I recommend the Jesus is Magic DVD.

I don't have it, no. But at the moment I'm keen to get my hands on everything she's ever done in her life. What a foul-mouthed harpy goddess she is. All hail, and so forth.

jp said...
Rosie Fantail... the name reminds me of my first love. Her name was Summer. She wore cottontails. I had blue hair. Memories... (BTW, she’s now like 25 and has 3 or 10 kids... is that what happens to all babes of summer holidays past?). Not to worry RF, I'm going away for a couple weeks and I'm leaving my macbook at home where it can't haunt me. Statler & Slapper will have to take up the slack.
Okay, my question this week is serious:
When is violence acceptable, and how much?
Sure, I joke about it as much as the next Fight Club obsessed guy. I say things like “A-for-Andrew-H, when you see Zadie Smith at a lit fest, pull her bangs and punch her in the tits.” While there may be so many well founded reasons some will hate her, it’s a ha ha funny joke, much like using Thomas Pynchon’s cock to slap Ian McEwan while he’s explaining it’s cool to cheat.
This question of violence came to me as I reminisced (probably while on the toilet) an experience from late last year where I was the only guy with a group of female colleagues late one night in Sydney. The girls ended up getting in a massive argument with a group of young guys (everyone was very drunk). I stepped in after repeated warnings to this little jerk ring leader to shut his mouth at dishing it to my friends and colleagues. He kept saying in his defense “You know who my dad is?” On one level I thought that was sad, as perhaps he was asking me the question in the fashion of “Who am I?” or “What am I worth?” Anyway, when is it acceptable to cross that line and what is an acceptable action?
…and not to disappoint…
Boobs. Awesome.

I am a little confused by your question, J 'AWESOME' P. Presumably the violence you're referring to is verbal in nature - unless of course you actually expect A-for-Andrew-H to punch Zadie Smith in the tits in which case shame on you as White Teeth was an incredibly readable novel though I would have less kind things to say about The Autograph Hunter. I make all kinds of mouth-off statements about what I'd do if left alone with Philip Ruddock, a roll of gaffer tape and an industrial power drill, but in person I abhor physical violence and wouldn't dream of laying a finger on him DO YOU HEAR THAT FEDERAL POLICE. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking smack about some idiot, but if you're the type to stomp up to someone and punch them in the nose without so much as a 'I don't care for your opinions on ladies and cat meat, young mufti' then I think you are a jerky mcjerkington and a good day to you, sir.

MelbourneGirl said...
wouldn't it be girl is to burlesque as boy is to goylesque?

also. lawn is not and has never been pristine. but thanks anyway sublime.

flaky is definitely bad, there is no good version of flaky. i've been pondering flighty and i think it can be ok, ie girly as sub said.

glad that's all cleared up now.

and i KNEW you'd say greer re most intelligent person you've ever met. she's the most intelligent person i've never met as well. it fucking drips off her, doesn't it? love it.

ps i own a square metre of dirt at a scottish distillery, don't you know?

1. You're probably right, but who would pay money to see something called 'Goylesque'? Sounds vaguely anti-Semitic to me.


2. I knew I was flighty in a good way.


*pumps fist in air (flightily)*


3. Yes, Germaine is devastating. Utterly.


4. I didn't know that, no. Do you have any square metres of Scottish men to spare for all the lusting perverts of RYWHM by any chance?

BEVIS said...
Hey, Dollface.

'BEVIS is not - as far as I am aware - part of the Neighbours 'bretheren'. And I should know, I have my ear to some major Ramsay street shit."



I ain't no Neighbours writer, although it thrils me to the bone to think that I was suspected.

Would I write reviews that questioned the show's inaccuracies and attacked the crap actors amongst the cast if I was so closely tied to the show? And would I write such long blogs/reviews about it if it was what I did for a living? And would I try my hand at predicting plot developments if I already knew what was coming and was sworn to secrecy?

(Answer: No, I would not.)

I know of one person in the blogosphere who's closely linked to the show (and I referred to them recently on my TV blog - without 'outing' them). I presume it's the same person Dollface refers to whenever she needs to ask her Neighbours "Deep Throat" a question. But I may be wrong.

While we're on the topic, Dollface, here's a question for next Friday: What do you make of THIS Neighbours debacle?*

Finally, if I'd been involved with the show in any way and the character of Will Griggs had a line referring to an accounting firm called "Statler and Waldorf", there's NO WAY I'd allow him to mispronounce their names so that it sounded like "Statler and Waldoff".

:)


* Said debacle may not actually prove to be a debacle at all.

I only read about the Neighbours 'debacle' through a letter in the Green Guide yesterday which for some reason pleased me very much:

'Naughty Neighbours

In an episode of Neighbours (Ten, 11/1) Fraser dropped the F-bomb! In fact the quote was, 'Three words - Paul F--king Robinson!' I had to pick my jaw up off the ground! I'm not a prude and there are not too many shows left that don't contain liberal use of swearing but for some reason hearing the word during an episode of Neighbours shocked me. I suppose 'rack off' just doesn't cut it anymore.

Angie Silversten, St. Kilda East.'


Heh. 'The F-Bomb'. People can be so sweet.


I guess I'd agree with Angie about being surprised by hard-core swearing on Neighbours. While the storylines have certainly grown a little racier over the years, no-one wants to hear Harold turn on Lou and snap: 'Fuck off cunteyes, I'm trying to play my fucking tuba.' What would become of us? Sometimes the delicious challenge as a television writer is to invent swears that aren't really swears but sound enough like swears to slip by the networks. I'm still staggered by the fact we got the word 'cocktard' on channel 7 to be honest, though it's not necessarily high up on my CV as a special life skill.


Do I think it's a debacle? Not really. It's just fucking swearing. I'm sure we'll all live to breathe another day. Remember the turkey slap? Now there was television you could get excited about.

Anonymous said...
Nice Google Image search on Beanflipper Fits. Alas, I was in the starting lineup well before that pic.

Dang.

Still, it's nice to have made contact with the musical people. Did you play on the 'Rodent Ulcer' record, Anon? What exactly is a rodent ulcer? Wait, do I really want to ask that?

Anonymous said...
Girly wank porn?


I would hesitate to call any porn "lovely" but I have the first video in this series and it is one of my favourite productions. It is also very educational about women if you are a shut-in like me and there's always the chance of meeting one of these lovely ladies about the place as it was produced in Australia.

For a moment there I had no idea what you were on about with 'girly wank porn' as I would presume most porn is made for people wanting a quiet frig under their duvet, male or female. Then I checked the website and saw it was advertising videos with titles like 'Even More Intimate Moments' and it was there I read this fascinating blurb:

'Watch as each girl invites us in to witness one of the most intimate moments a person can experience - masturbation to orgasm. This is the real thing, no artifice, no fakery. Eight girls, each alone in their rooms, doing it the only way they know how, their way, so that they can reach genuine orgasm. And look out for Pip!'


1. 'Artifice' - not a word you hear very often in pornographic circles, is it?



2. Aren't you absolutely desperate to know who or what Pip is and exactly what he or she is up to? I love the idea of some cheeky scamp appearing when you least expect them mid-some lady's private explorations and popping a balloon in a corner or some other spectacularly hilarious hijink before racing off in fits of giggles. 'And look out for Pip!' Mystifying.



I don't know, I've never been that razzed about watching girls touch themselves intimately, but I don't judge you for getting fizzy about it. Each to their own.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits

My wife and I were at a nightclub in Collingwood last night and a young lady who likes other young ladies (it was that sort of club) danced first with my wife and then me. She told me that I "confused" her, and attempted a very close dance that ended with a perhaps indiscreet fondle "down there". At which point she looked slightly horrified and fled.

I'm trying to avoid coming to the conclusion that she had actually thought, prior to her attempt to confirm, that I was some kind of butch lesbian in man drag. Which is a bit of a worry. (I didn't think my man boobs are that prominent!)

Please, is there an alternative explanation that's obvious to everyone but me?

I'm afraid not. She really, truly believed you were a butch lesbian in man drag and you will have to live with this explanation for the rest of your days. You must also endure the mocking pisstakes of your wife and all of your friends who may from this moment on refer to you as Shemale the Magnificent and pretend to make passes at you. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.


p.s. There's always the off-chance she knew you were a gentleman all along (thus 'confusion' - boy, you must be a bit of a head-turner there ol' homo converter) and was only startled into reality by the feel of throbbing manflesh resting in the palm of her lesbionic hand. Do you get that response often when people slip a sly fist down your trousers?

AH said...
Afternoon Fits,

Firstly to Ms. Fantail: This is something I am very aware of, and why I only post one thing per week, and only in the Friday Q and A (last week's was a short response to ensure I was being interpreted correctly). But point taken. Fits, again, I praise your beauty and wit and bid you farewell. If you ever need a stupid opinion or a vaguely linked question, just call for Statler, baby and I will appear. Like magic.

And, in reference to my main man JP's question, I think the film Irreversible perfectly illustrated the fact that extreme violence is never acceptable, regardless of the motivation. That said, I do not believe in taking a step down from those who seek to intimidate, and would come to the defence of either the Slapper, JP or yourself if it ever came to that.

Or if Michael Franti locked me out of a UFO. I would kick his dreadlock headed body till he cried.

Thank you for your involvement, AH. As always a pleasure.



Also. Did you just call me 'baby'?

Grrr said...
Not so much a question as a heads-up, Ms Fits - the latest copy of Hello magazine has pics of Valensi's spawn.

For fantasy's sake, maybe you can photoshop your own face onto De Cadenet's body?

I just searched all over the damned Hello UK website and couldn't find anything apart from pictures of Princess Caroline of Monaco looking desperately wan, however I have ascertained that darling Valensi is the proud father of twins named Ella and Silvan (are they beautiful, Grr? Of course they're beautiful, I don't need to ask that. THEY ARE THE SPAWN OF JESUS) and while the idea of poring over faked pictures featuring myself being erotically embraced by Valensi is somewhat thrilling it would involve actually spending hours using photoshop and may be considered the wrong side of desperate.


Still. VALENSI.

BEVIS said...
Matthew Newton and Brooke Satchwell: Your thoughts now?

Both individually, and as a (former) couple, if you please.



(Also, the reporter in that article referred to Newton as 'Newtown'. I think I'd like to live in Newtown ... but my head probably isn't large enough.)

Oh dear, he's in a bit of strife isn't he? Pretending to fellate people on television, possibly taking the Fist of Fury to lady Satchwell, potentially losing a lucrative radio contract due to resulting 'bad boy' reputation. Not the greatest of times for TV's most visible heir, though if he's going to head off the rails so spectacularly there's bound to be repercussions. In suitably self-absorbed fashion I can only thank the baby jesus that the 'paps' had no interest in me back in the days when I was on an awesomely hedonistic bender* and I was free to roam the gutters of Melbourne bare-ass naked with a nasal passage full of goozle if I so desired.


As for Satchwell, it sounds like she may well be better off. Poor wee Gracie Otto on the other hand...








*actual bender may not yet be completed.

milkmaid said...
I am a hetero female who is constantly attracted to gay men. Why is this? It's very unfair.

It is rather unfair, isn't it? I'm very rarely attracted to gay men and the two I've tongue-kissed were - whilst incredibly handsome fellows - so slap-up homo that being erotically devoured by them was a somewhat sobering experience. What is it about them that drives you so crazy, milkmaid? Their soft fingers and penchant for anal? Are you able to rid yourself of the debilitating crush with a series of bracing sit-ups and long evening strolls? (<---this works for me and you may borrow it if you like).


I guess you have to wade through a fair amount of 'frogs' to find your 'prince', and if the majority of your amphibians rock a float at Mardi Gras and enjoy the musical stylings of Antony and the Johnsons then so be it. Mr. Hetero Perfecto is just around the corner, ready to take you to Ikea.

MelbourneGirl said...
do you think it's ok for me to cut out the one spot of mould on my crumpet and eat it? or does that put me well in the category of "truly slatternly housewife"

Oh MG, I am the WRONG PERSON TO ASK as I am constantly eating food that has been dropped on the floor and (as I believe I have previously mentioned here and I have no idea why I would repeat it now but there you go I give all of myself) Gabi swears she once saw me eat a french fry out of an ashtray. If I even bothered being a housewife to anybody I would most likely fall into the 'call the producers of Wife Swap USA, we got ourselves a live one' category. Anyway, the more pristine Wheelie has intervened:

elaine said...
Melbourne Girl, I think it's perfectly fine. Sometimes I cut small bits of mould from the crusts of bread before toasting it.

There you go. And she has much shinier hair than me, too. Ultimately more trustworthy.


Another take on it from Scallywag:

Scallywag said...
Re crumpets and mould: nothing says "truly slatternly housewife" like this

Weight Watchers recipe cards from 1974! The ultimate gift for the girl who has everything.


You know, if someone actually bothered making me a Fluffy Mackarel Pudding or Chilled Celery Log I would probably have to marry them.


After, you know, being abundantly sick all over their bathroom.

Nio Morton said...
Hey Dollfits,
I'm going to turn you into an agony aunt.
There's an ex girlfriend from more than a decade ago that I have been given a contact for. She lives in Perth these days. We broke up in all sorts of bad ways but I was deeply fond of her. For a while she thought I was stalking her after we broke up, which honestly, cross my heart and hope to give John Howard a big sloppy kiss on mouth (with tongue) I wasn't.
Having said that, I would love to send her an email to catch up and just see how she is going these days - she had the best laugh.
But, I don't know, it could be just a dumb, bad, stupid move.
Whaddaya reckon. I'm cool with staying hidden in the internetsphere and I reckon it might creep her out if I knocked on her inbox (hmmm inbox - that sounds dangerously like code for something else - scuse me, could I put something in your inbox?).
Lots of laugh.
Nio

You know, I don't think it's the greatest of ideas. Firstly because I know from the ghost of questions past that you are married to someone now, and while mildly entertaining the thought of looking up an old flame can be a completely innocent exercise, some deep dark dusty feeling nestling in the lost recesses of your nethers (it's quite a complex system, ask your local GP) could be awakened and you will soon be living a world of confucious and looking at your previously perfect partner in less of a glowing light and why would you want that to happen? Besides which, if there's been some 'hilarious' stalking mix-up in the past, probably the last thing in the world you should do is appear sweatily on her cyber-doorstep clutching at a wilting rose and shouting YOUR LAUGH STILL MAKES ME FEEL FUNNY IN THE STOMACH BUT I'M NOT HERE TO KISS YOU.


Let her remain a blessed memory. If she wants to find you, she will.

mara said...
I recently became a mother.
*applause*
Unexpectedly, I am loving the time I get to spend with my own mum conversing in new & intimate ways. In one such conversation she confessed somewhat regretfully that in all her years as a young mother she had never got down & joined me or my siblings in play, mostly because IT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO HER. I found this incredibly touching & sad, and will try to rectify this with my own children by forcing them to join me in a pandemonium of disturbing games, and obviously providing bizarre new names for all their toys in a similar manner to your fine self last weekend.

My requisite question is thus:

You seem to have a lovely mother. What did she do right?

NB: SukhoThai - 234 Johnston St, Fitzroy

Oh, what a beautiful question. I called my mama and told her about it and she said:

'Abandoned you to go and pursue my own interests so you grew up independent, that's what'


which she then instantly retracted, saying IF YOU PUT THAT ON YOUR BLOG I WILL CLIP YOU AROUND THE EAR or something of that ilk.


She supported, she nurtured, she loved unconditionally and fought me tooth and nail and last night she sent me a text saying: 'If I were any prouder of you I think my heart would burst. And anyway, you chose me! xxx' which pretty much made me cry at the dinner table. I am forever indebted to her level head and wondrous hand-holding. And no, you can't borrow her.

Anonymous said...
The thought of Newton pawing my dream girl Brooke, makes me sick :(

It's not a very nice thought, is it? There there Anon, she'll be yours one day.

Anonymous said...
what are your thoughts regarding people who wear melons on their heads?

Oh, I think they're a marvellously cheery bunch overall. They certainly liven up a barbecue don't they? Are you a fan yourself?

Anonymous said...
What sort of hat should I buy for wearing to the beach?

There is no hat too big or ridiculous looking when it comes to sun safety as far as I am concerned, Anon. I wear an enormous felt hat pretty much every time I leave the house in daylight hours and while I may look like a complete mook with some kind of deranged Stevie Nicks obsession I remain untouched by the cancerous rays and overall healthier in the skin. Scally and Trombone on Brunswick street make hugely cartoonish beach hats with a great 50's kink and I would highly recommend you go there for all your bonnet purchases.



*****************


OMFG PANIC PANIC. I have about ten questions left and I must be away to St. Kilda to dine with handsome men and stare adoringly up at my foppish friends onstage. Rumour has it that my beloved Patrick will be sporting tight white trousers tonight at the Prince and I plan to hound him mercilessly. Would you forgive me if I were to post now and update tomorrow with a wickedly inappropriate round of SATURDAY QUESTIONS? What's it to you anyway, I'll do as I please. Stop staring.


Leave your questions for next Friday (OR SATURDAY, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AROUND THESE CRAZY PARTS) in the comments below and I will endeavour to answer them 'on time'. In the interim, the house is once again filled with Gabi's inane banter and naked dances and all is righted with the world. I wish you only the best.



SATURDAY Q AND A #53 UPDATE



Right you are then, late night and all that so let's just leap directly in.

Tim Chuma said...
Can you think of any good names for this contest?

Re-name a brothel? How could I top some of the suggestions already raised? 'Pussies Bow' is certainly quite evocative, as is 'Whispers at the Junction'.

'Temptress Haven' is a little misleading though, and whoever came up with 'Comfortably Numb' was obviously just taking the piss.

Anonymous said...
My boy is blue.

Oh, what to do?

Oh, Anon. There's not much that's worse than having a blue boy on your hands, aside from being repeatedly stabbed with a rusty stanley knife and told that you resemble Baby John Burgess on an off day. I've had fair experience with Troubled fellers* and aside from showering them with support and love through the stormier evenings there's really little else you can do but hold on tight and hope for the best. Encourage him to see a therapist to talk the tough stuff through, be a rock, and for fuck's sake if it's looking impossible then look after yourself and step away and make sure you're not just copping a tsunami of ill-feeling for the sake of 'being there'.


Good luck.




*whether their depression is in any way related to being romantically involved with me has yet to be proven in a court of law. So bite me.

Anonymous said...
Just who exactly is the lead singer from TISM?

I called my many and varied music industry contacts about this, only to be met with a wall of silence and the vague suggestion 'Damien something and he works at triple M'. For some reason those crafty buggers have managed to maintain anonymity for years, although apparently if you pause a certain part of John Safran's Music Jamboree DVD all will be revealed. Sorry I couldn't be more help, but I started feeling vaguely guilty half-way through my phonecalls about broadcasting the state secret all over this here blog and on purpose got lazy like the worst kind of passive-aggressive schmo. Aren't I sweet?

The Slapper Princess said...
To Dearest Ms Fits (Dollface O'Lovelypants),

Well, I'm a tad crestfallen that my good buds James and Andrew have been chased from the coop with their tails between their legs by the somewhat (justifiable or not) imperious words of one Ms Rosie Fantail. But, y'know, shit happens.

My question for you this week (as I can troolly and roolly tell you are an oracle of a goodly amount of omniscience) is this:

There have now been 17 full days of 2007. Why has not one, single, toey, mesomorph approached me for some 'smack that' action? And judging by my question last week regarding making hump-hump with Scots, am I in danger of becoming desperately single, making a hobby of cutting out wedding dress pictures from The Woman's Weekly of a night, taking ownership of 7 cats and 'healing over'? Is it the microscopic but painful pimple on the inside of my right nostril or have I become hideous?

By the way, have you been told today that you rock?

1. I have no idea, dear girl. Why are these men hiding from you? Isn't everyone around town keen on some 'smack that'* action at present? Balmy evenings, sweet damp earth, tropical summer night breezes whispering up short skirts...I was under the impression that this town was turning into some kind of sexual hot-pot. Perhaps I have been misinformed.


*consults runes*


Never mind, there's always netball. Shall we form a blogger's team?


2. Judging by your racy question last week, you will soon be making the sexing with a variety of Scottish gentlemen and slaying potential suitors in the aisles. What on earth are you worried about being single for? Hot tamales like you never stay lonesome for long. Enjoy it while it's here and for fuck's sake get on the liquor and fondue immediately.



3. NOBODY HAS TOLD ME THAT I ROCK TODAY. Gabi informed me this morning that my eyes weren't ugly, which is about all you can hope for around these parts lately.




*I like this very, very much. May I borrow it?

Anonymous said...
Hi there
After catching up on some RYWHM action, I came across your description of the delightul 6 yr old child who allowed outrageous name changing with her dolls(and I know how important it is because i officially renamed my cabbage patch kid 'Gabriel' instead of 'Dawn) and wondered if you have ever procreated or if you intend to?

I have not yet procreated, no. I guess I entertain vague ideas of some monstrous wee bean racing around my ankles in a collection of garish second-hand clothing and a whiteyfro, but there's no point rushing into it. Besides which, we are about to welcome a screaming young lady into our household some time in April and with my best friend's bundle of perfection filling my future days I don't see any reason to force my own agenda.


p.s. good work with the name change. Who wants a dimpled charge named 'Dawn', anyways? Preposterous.

Dave said...
Is it OK to ask a housemate's partner to pay a share of the rent/bills, when they're there 4-5 nights a week?

Cause I reckon that's bullshit ay?

Hold on, which bit do you reckon is bullshit? The asking or the blithely living like a freeloading fuckmonkey off of your precious power and water? Dealing with a housemate's constantly visiting partner can be a very tricky thing. On one side of the equation they are paying rates for facilities they barely use elsewhere, and you can hardly blame them for tumbling headfirst into a passionate love affair and wanting to spend all their time locked away in a paramour's bedroom getting naked and heavy breathing. On the other hand it's your house too, and if you're dealing with cold showers and soaring electricity bills then you have every right to make a bit of an ahem about it. Discuss it with your housemate first rather than storming up to their life partner and demanding backpay on the fridge rental. And for god's sake, be delicate. THIS IS LOVE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT.

I'm not Craig said...
Were you Vegans in Leather? Bad Boys Batucada? Pre-Shrunk? Frost?

No, although Pre-Shrunk is a heck of a guess. If I remember correctly, they had two bass players, so the odds were on your side there.

Did you know that you and your wonderful readers have now named 83 different bands since we started this competition? If we get to 100, I’m calling it.

I was not in My Friend the Chocolate Cake, Welcome Mat or Tiddas.

And that’s 86.


My actual question for this week is:

The tennis?

That's a polite no to the tennis for me, though I wouldn't blame anyone for taking the day off work to attend. It seems like a great amount of fun and there are showbags and plenty of in-jokes and chanting though perhaps a little too much racially motivated violence and child molesting for my liking. Football was really the only sport I was passionate about, and since losing my team I've yet to find the bellyfire for anything else. I'll always have decoupage, I suppose.


Also. Caboodle? Fat Peach? The Fizzleheads? Pangaea? THAT'S 90.

elmo said...
lovely (I HAS A BUCKET!),

how do i break what is frankly a sex addiction i have to a man-unit who is less than good for me lifequest-wise (see: really fucking bad), but is however, killer in the sack? i am i just weak? or deluded AND weak?

did i mention we live in practically the same street?

advise.

p.s. PETS CAN BE KILLED WITH KINDNESS. xx

You're not weak, lovely girl. If the 'smack that' action (see what I did there) is so momentous you occasionally speak in tongues during, then obviously you're going to have a difficult time moving on. However, you really need to weigh up what happens outside the sheets with the blessed union beneath. If he's really that much of a trainwreck then give yourself a quick shot of GTFO and stop answering his texts, even when three-parts ankled. You will have better sex with a more well-adjusted normal person, and won't life be a basket of bagels when that happens? I know it's occasionally impossible to wrest yourself away from a damaging situation but you will feel so much stronger and calmed when you finally make the break.



p.s. You should probably also move house.

P_p said...
Ms Fits,
It's 6.20pm Friday and no Friday Q&A are up yet. Where are you? Are you OK?
I feel like an anxious parent when their child, normally home by midnight, hasn't called and it's already 12.13 am! Panic stations!
P_p
PS Today _is_ Friday, right?

It's particularly lovely to know I'm being looked out for. Thank you P_p, you have no idea how nice that comment made me feel, all the way down to my toes. Bless you.




************


There, I did it. Pass me a white wine, I need music and a squeeze of someone's fingers in the dark.





295 days til the next election.

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