Reasons you will hate me

Many thanks Morgan & Ms Fits. I should mention I don't use a laptop but scribble away in notebooks. Your suggestions sound good. Much appreciated. And yes, Morgan, I'm working on a film script. Can't say too much but hope it reflects my previous work.

I am not sure if I should request forgiveness for my over-cleverness or admire your perfect response: Snowden being a character in Catch-22, and the question unanswerable. No big stick, just trying to expedite your task and teach myself html. As anon, I also accused you of wasting 2.2 seconds elsewhere, but things have got mighty strange around these parts of late. As a neophyte how else would I have seen a picture of your breasts? (PS That's rhetorical.) Much praise for thine equanimity.

Respectfully,
az

I'd like to raise Melbourne Girl a 'if things happen slightly earlier than expected we may have a baby on your birthday.' (and her wedding day)

That's one-upmanship, not a question.

This is a question: Does the vitriol from The Blair Burn The Lefty Witch Project get you down 1) because of the personal attacks, 2) because there are people out there who would make those attacks or 3) not at all.

And if I may, what have the Better Homes & Gardens people done to 'Getting Better?' Every year they make it less recognisable and more trite. Who is responsible?

Hello to the fitsiest fits of them all. First time q+a'ing in a while, life has been a little too hectic.

Was Crystal's mysterious ex I'm Not Craig? We have to know.

As far as St Kilda, yes, St Kilda proper is not particularly fun. But the bit across the highway that was once known as "Balaclava" until the filthy scumbag real estate agents got it renamed "St Kilda East" is nice. I'm biased, of course, because I've lived around here for something like 10 years now. And yes, Punt Rd is a horror - I'm dating a lovely lass from Northcote, so I'm far, far too familiar with that trip.

My actual question: What's the best way to indicate, in a polite way of course, that no, I'm really, really not interested in having a talk right now when you're out having a quiet beverage? I had a recent scary occasion when I was sitting having a nice post-work beer or two. You'd think that a book and a set of ipod headphones would be a solid indicator of "no thanks", as would trying to mention your girlfriend as often as possible. It turns out that no, this isn't actually enough for some folks. Can you suggest some polite form of words that might get through to even the most persistent?

Anonymous said...
A friend of mine keeps asking me to show him my tits. He isn't interested in the rest of me, and continues to tell me how horribly ugly I am, but only when other people are around. When we are alone together he is really nice and we have a great time, but otherwise he is a total arsehole. Should I show him my tits, or slap him in the face? Or both?

Neither, Anonymous. You should set the misogynistic prick on fire than dance around his flaming, flailing body cackling in inspired glee. Then go out and find a bloke who likes you for all you are, not just one part of your anatomy. Seriously - this guy sounds like a turd on legs, and I have NO DOUBT you can do much better.

Who wants a hug? My shout.

Yes please. I'm a slut where hugs are concerned. *pours poor and ailing self another glass of red FOR MEDICINAL PORPOISES and wonders where it will all end*

Adelaide Kane, who portrays Louise "Lolly" Carpenter on Neighbours, is the single WORST actress ever to be featured on the show's entire 21+ year run.

Yes, I am fully aware of the magnitude of that statement.

She is abysmally terrible and makes me want to stand up, reach my hands through the TV (not to mention time and space), and strangle her.

That's the extent of her similarities with Ms Fits' own appearance on the show.





*boom-boom*

I am - of course - kidding about that last part.

Having had the good fortune to act on stage with Ms Fits at one point of our pimply young lives (I was pimply; Ms Fits was not), I can assure you all that her acting is in fact top notch and highly professional/enjoyable/admirable/astounding. She is not as bad as she likes to pretend.

There is a picture of Ms Kane on this post (second pic from the top).

Personally (and with all due love and respect to my good friend MelbourneGirl), I don't see what MG believes is the supposed likeness between the pair (is there more to it than just the colour of their hair?), but, hey - who am I to judge?





I'll tell you who: I AM BEVIS!

That is all.

Wait, you have to MOVE HOUSE? Wha happened? WHA HAPPENED?

Question:

Just moments ago I received an email telling me that I won a competition I entered online last week. I never win anything. Except now. I won an iPod nano.

I plan to give it to Wifey, because she's wanted one for ages but we haven't been able to afford one.

I kind of need to scream about my win here on the blogosphere where she won't find out about it. Is that okay?

I WON, I WON, I WON, I WON, I WON!!

I'm VERY excited.

Also, does the fact that I entered the competition purely to win an iPod for someone else (and now that I've actually won one and will STILL give it to that unsuspecting person) make me, like, the BEST PERSON ALIVE??!





(Calm down, BEVIS - it's only an iPod!)

I can't help it; I'm very excited to have won something we weren't in a position to spend money on but I knew Wifey really wanted.

(How excited ARE you, exactly?)

So excited, I'm typing up both sides of this conversation.

*Clears throat, slightly embarrassed*

I'll go now.

Perhaps it's time to give q and a, a rest? Realistically, for most of these questions people might as well be asking a mirror- Do you love me? (Simon is slightly guilty). Supplied information is very good, you are more than capable of taking on the red shirt and cap of those helpful people in the mall, but having to answer the thoughts of every pissed brain moocher with insomnia seems to be wasting your time, and that of the impatient third party (Simon).

Really, lurve ur wrk

Apparently, the word "myriad" can be a noun or an adjective. When used as a noun, "a myriad of knickers" is acceptable, while "myriad knickers" is appropriate where it's an adjective. But myriad smartypantses reckon it's clever to pick up grammar mistakes from off of people who get paid more to write than they themselves, in fact, do.

Have fun with that sentence.

The only time I ever silence rooms is by booming my voice, which is quite common, but I'm glad you think I'm SMRT. Makes me feel better after the week I've had. A job rejection, a serious life changing surgical procedure on someone inextricably close to me, a threatening inspection from potential homebuyers, a serious closet style skeleton re-emerging after two years rattling quietly, a theft from my car of a valuable portable gaming machine (shrugs) and a cheap car cigarette lighter powered soldering iron (YOU BASTARDS!!!!!), though they had no taste as they left the pile of cassingles on the floor of the front seat... Some weeks, it's just not worth getting out of bed, is it?

I suppose that's a rhetorical question. Aside from the obvious illicit substance and/or alcohol abuse, how does one cope with such bad days/weeks?

Also, have you seen the film Flight of the Navigator? It came out in 1986, and Sarah Jessica Parker actually looks hot in it, being all of 18 years old. Clearly I do not think this is still the case.

Dear Fits,
I wanted to get this into this week's q&a, but due to the unspeakable incompetence of Optus I have been broadband-less for a week. Bastards.
In preparation for the weekend of spa related hotel room debauchery that my beloved has arranged for his birthday,
I have decided to muster up the courage and go get a Brazilian.
I was hoping to glean some wisdom from your waxing experiences, and get some advice on how to cope with the first-time "jesus, I'm going to have to expose my vadge to a complete stranger" wibblies?
Help!

Fits, what do you make of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xgmgm-1UfBI

It's none other than "Kojak" himself, Telly Savalas singing "If" from 1975 - and it's kinda terrifying! I'd appreciate if you could clarify whether this video is filmed through the neck of a long neck VB or the eye of a penis. Thanks.

Ms Fits,

No question: just wanted to tell you that I am very much enjoying 'Confederacy of Dunces', bought after a passing reference to it on your blog some time ago.

That is all. Thank you.

Hi Ms Fits,
is it just me, or does Bindi Irwin have a touch of gelfling about her?
http://www.brandybuck.com/amber/images/neopets/dark_crystal.jpg
http://www.hecklerspray.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/bindi%20irwin.jpg
love Kali

anon,

don't you DARE taint gelflings with that shit.

ruby

G'Day Fits --
I've got recurring acne on my left foot, strange huh? Ever heard of such a thing? Think I should see a professional?
-- Jobe

I don't really mean to do that, Altissima. I am just a bit enthusiastic with the <br> command instead of using it sparingly for special occasions. Soon I will be switching over to a new exciting land where my friend Joseph will be the boss of me and teach me the error of my ways, so please be patient with my idiocy until then.

Your paragraph spacing is idiosyncratic, but surely not unreasonable. Most screenwriters seem to favour more whitespace than their narratorial kin. And it seems to increase the pace of your prose, which is a good thing compared the turgid stuff most of us paste on the interweb.

But I see Altissima's point, which (I think) is that all this scrolling leads to carpal tunnel syndrome or RSI. So here, Altissima, is a Paragraph Spacing Normaliser. Just for you.

'Sup Fits,

thanking you for your pic and description of Peaches drummer. does the innards good to know I'm not alone in my crush... although I now fear for my penis in a way I never had before.

changing tack completely, looking for an opinion from someone in the know. I have been thinking about leaving my career in web-land to try my hand in the annals of T.V.-land. Are there any perks outside of knowing what happens on shows you wouldn't watch anyway?

Also finished confederacy of dunces a while back after a co-worker shoved it in my face and said read! Loved it. No question to go with that, just wanted to establish qualifications for admiring your taste in literature.

On the topic of grammar... While mine is quite terrible and my web writing has a tendency to ... far to often, the thing that gets my slightly beleaguered goat is when people use the "word" ironical. As in "I was being ironical!"... And here I was thinking Alanis Morrisette had at least done something for grammar with her music.

*sigh*

I just noticed you wrote the phrase a wee bag of happiness in answer to someone's question last week, and I got completely the wrong impression.

OR DID I????

lets build a house, a very big house in the count-ry.

it'd be great. you, me, bob ellis, zippy, and jens, our swiss gardener/housecleaner/manslave.






and now for my question:

as a bonafide member of the latte left, am i legally and/or morally obliged to read shantaram?

i mean, it sounds interesting and all, but...

ITS JUST SO DARN BIG!

Anonymous contemplating a St Kilda residence, DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND SAY NO.

I am allowed to say this. I have just moved back to the north from a 2 year stint in the aforementioned beachside suburb.

Pros to St Kilda:
1. afternoon sea breezes
2. easy access to breakfast at Las Chicas on Carlise St
3. near to the Espy and the PoW band room for occasional gigs.

that is all.

The people are COMPLETELY awful, the tourists somewhat worse, the beach is smelly. For equivalent rent, your place of residence will, most likely, be a flat (apartment - whatever they call them these days) and small.

Look, I don't regret having lived there. It was good for me in many respects but I didn't like it.

Perhaps if she is insistent on moving there, you can pause cohabitation for a year or so until she sees the error of her ways?

"Lucky it's use is acceptable in more than one way."

That possessive apostrophe right there? It, like 'myriad', can acceptably be used in more than one way, but unfortunately 'its' in that context isn't one of them.

As you were, TLS. Sorry to hear you've had a bad week.

McDave said, "And here I was thinking Alanis Morrisette had at least done something for grammar with her music."



Well, she got the whole concept of 'irony' wrong in that song anyway. Not one example she lists is ironic. They're all just bad luck.

The silly woman needs to read herself some O. Henry. (< "The Gift of the Magi" would have been a helpful resource when they were writing the song).

Sorry I have to be anonymous.

Ms Fits, I'm a long time fan of your blog, to the extent that, if I weren't spoken for, I would ask you in an instant to accompany me for a literary discussion at Polly with 35 Capones.

I hope that you did not take the fartings of the Blairites to heart - they are but retards, and they're parents are their cousins too.

Anyway, since this is supposed to be a question thing...what do you think of the White Stripes 'Jolene'? I never liked the White Stripes, especially when I thought they were singing about 'Charlene' (bogans, I thought) but I've since warmed to them.

Anyway, I wish you all the best, and let me say that 'cunty' is too good a word for your juvenile, inbred, feeble-brained detractors...

simply MUST ask ...

The members of your audience who

* answer Qs asked of you;
* use the comments section in an overly-familiar way and as a vehicle for self-promotion;
* engage in banter amongst themselves (in a way that your real-life friends would, perhaps, if they were all witty, verbal and fun people, as I imagine they are) which is either contrived to ingratiate themselves with you and your readers or odd "acting out" of a persona they are in the process of contriving (namely being you);

... do they actually know you, or do they just think they do because they read your blog?

I just note that there is a tendancy for regular readers of blogs to mark out their territory in these none-too-subtle and kind of sociopathic ways. I'm thinking especially of Sam De Brito's readers on his Fairfax blogs.

Just wondering.

Howsitgoin Fits et al? (Ok, so I'm blogging from the deep north - norther than Sydney.) What I want to know is, if I am being dragged in to post a comment for the very first time, does that mean my life as I know it is over now that I'm a sad refresh button stalker who should really get a non-virtual life. Or is it that I am buoyed by the sometimes gay company of a community with like likes and dislikes, in short a bunch of funny bastards with whom I feel the need to connect? I was bemused by the Age brouhaha. Newspapers can't be dying if the dating piece stirred up such a nest, while blogging the same yarn may have simply passed through to the keeper. What say you? PS: Now that I have entered the game, I think you should retire QandA. You are far too polite and talented to nail yourself to such a heavy cross of interdependence. Or else, get yourself an editor to cull some.

Hello, I feel sad for you that you have to move house. Feeling settled and 'at home' is one of the things that makes me happiest.

Also, for the record I agree somewhat with Curious. However I must confess to developing the beginnings of a crush on your questioner Okay, Lara Bingle, who asked "You think this is the real Quaid?" Because IT IS!!!

My question is, what is your favourite way to be hugged? Do you like to sorta mush your face into the neck of the hugger, or tuck your chin over their shoulder? Do you fling your arms around their neck or go for the more diagonal bear-hug? Do you love to be lifted off your feet and spun around? What is your feeling on arse-feelage during hugs?

*gazes at navel*

remember the dreams x 2 about you and houses, fits? and the second was to be in ashboring?

[nodes sagelike]

am i not a prophet?

and remembering dearly departed rogumaze, fuck i hate word verification.

ps re curious. who gives?

Melbourne Girl, Re: who gives?

I think it's an interesting topic. Such people try to mark a blog as their territory through the development of in-jokes, or kind of smarty-pantsed referencing that implies that they are "in" with the blogger, while others aren't.

A couple of weeks ago on this blog there were two girls who apparently live together, yet chose this comments section as the medium for a painfully self-conscious, public conversation. The whole exercise was designed (whether consciously or not)to promote their profiles and to appear to be popular. In doing so they were asserting some kind of ownership of the blog. I think (am interested in other people's opinions too).

(I say "painfully self conscious" because their conversation mostly involved the housemates' "pillow fights in shorty nighty" inuendo, which reminded me of that faux bi sexuality that insecure teenage girls sometimes feign to titilate boys at Armadale Station, and the fact that both were trying to mimic Ms Fits' style.)

Are they "single white females", or are they genuinely engaging in an online community etc and so forth?

Or, as I asked originally, are they ACTUALLY YOUR FRIENDS outside of the blog.

Time for a break.

Mel, this is in fact, the Real Quaid.

Ms Fits, I have begun a blog after my commentary madness in the flag waving thread, with a friend of mine, on culture, television and a bit of politics. So far it just points out mistakes Tim Blair makes. We are struggling to make it pretty.

Can I have permission to quote the URL here to get a couple of visitors?

In response to Ryan's excellent suggestion regarding supporting Fremantle*: get on the F-REO Speedwagon** before it gets up too much speed. It is generally acknowledged that the send off provided to Fitzroy by Freo at that last game was kind and respectful and beyond the call of duty, but I acknowledge your pain at losing your team, Fitsy. Anyways my question is: when are you going to come over to Perth and bust open the Wesside with your anarchic shenanigans?

* I prefer not to call them the Dockers as that is a stupid nickname and in fact isn't featured anywhere in their official documentation.

** Not my original joke, actually sourced from www.dockerland.com. By the way have you recently seen the behemoth-mullets that REO Speedwagon rock in their 80s film clips? VH1 reminded me of the horror just the other day...

(BTW word verification = "xasseglo". Surely a new brand name for some kind of kick-arse lip gloss for tha kidz?)

What do you make of this?

regards, etc
thomasr

Two questions:

Does having a personalised number plate brand you an instanat wanker? I am inclined to the affirmative particularly those adorned with "UWISH" and "PSYCH". Exception: the fella who aquired "IOU-ANZ".

Secondly, is there anywhere I can get the Bob Brown cushion featured on the Polichicks website? My Tasmanian Emigre' sister and her fiance' are big fans of the "Brownster". Info@polichicks bounced back at me though.

Cheers ears.

Can I post a link here?
http://photos.timchuma.com/AbsinthClub/

It was a special night and I wanted to show what it was like to be there. I have fallen for some of the performers in the process of trying to cut down the 3296 photos I took on the night to only 400.

helen hellbound:
accidently caught your stint on 774 yesterday whilst in the car & had a good ol chuckle (just the intro bit ofcourse, it was a serious topic). i was wondering how that gig came about? do you now have an agent? i'm not being factitious it just started me musing about your fame spreading to the mainstream world of talkshows etc culminating in yr own show on tv ala letterman etc. this flashed through my brain in 5 seconds and now sounds stupid when i write it down but i stand by my original question. p.s hoot mckloot were a kilt wearing adelaide punk band back in the '90's

I love bacon, avocado and elaine. Do you think there is any chance we could hook up, so she could not steal my bacon and avocado roll from the fridge?

If I took The Fortunes of Richard Mahoney to Text Appeal would I find someone who likes Australian Literary Fiction as much as myself or would I just look like a wet academic?*

In a similar vein: Power Without Glory or The Hard Way?

*I am not a wet academic nor do I desire to look like one.

my question is entirely selfish because i'm sitting at working bursting wanting to talk about the hot sex i just had and can't. tell. anyone.

When is it justifiable to duck out from work for an hour (or 2) to get horizontal with - in a naked way - someone you have only ever conversed with at Industry functions...? and is it ok to use a sick relative as the excuse to leave the office...

and now how do i concentrate on my working day...

ms fits

i am here with what may be the lamest friday question you have ever been asked. but it's interesting to me, so humour it?

about this writing for childrens tv thing. are you still doing it? it's the process that interests me. do you script it, or just write it as a story? do you have to do scripts in a specific manner for them to accept it?

it's the minor things like this that interest me.

secondly (fifthly?) do you ever just feel like squeezing a spot of politics in to the script. for fun, you know?

thanks ms, you are a treasure.

annie

Just got back from Armadale Station and I'm MASSIVELY disappointed to have witnessed NOT A ONE sapphic encounter the whole four days I was waiting there.

My question is: Can I sue Curious for false advertising?

Dearest Ms Fits,

I'm worried. I visited my hot chiropractor today and, honestly, the thoughts and hard-to-control compulsions were frighteningly rampant on my behalf. When you're having your naked back lightly stroked and smoothed and your hair slowly and delicately brushed away from the nape of your neck; a random, forgotten hand left on your bare collarbone (oh god and then you're lying on the examination bed with hot maleness almost completely covering you, reaching under you, moving your hips around as though you weighed no more than a feather), how wrong is it, exactly, to dream of lustily tearing away the hospital gown from your half naked body and forcing yourself upon this unsuspecting professional back-cracker? Especially when he says things like "You have such a flexible spine, it makes my job harder". I think something needs to be done. Where is my sex?

Ooh, and I definitely wouldn't be able to play centre either, or goal shooter (because I stick my tongue out of the side of my mouth when I'm aiming), but any of the other positions will be fine. Maybe we could wear red, terry-towelling, retro shorty shorts and matching headbands and run through a banner before each game to Apache (Tommy Seebach version)?

Hello Fitsy, as always, my pseudo-insomniac style of a question rolls in between the sleepy hours of Friday morning.

Yes, I've now a lovely girlfriend. An arty country girl who loves poetry and yoga... I've known her for quite a while, and things have almost always been happening, but I had a girlfriend and then after that it was too soon. This one could break my heart if it ever went wrong...

I'm meeting her parents tonight. And her sister. She's promised she can round up a few cousins as well if that's not enough for me. Hmmmm.

Now, what should be my next music purchase? Any recommendations? Whilst the UK music scene (did I sound cool saying that?) has improved a bit over the past few years, there is still too much Pop Idol crap lurking around. Some homegrown stuff would be good.

How are Gabi and the bump holding up?

I'm sure I said Anna Nicole in the Celeb Sweepstakes for this year.



If not, I definitely meant to.

a late edition to your endless fridays..apologies..however I would love to utilise your expertise for a class I'm teaching at Uni, on a subject for which I feel you have some affinity.

The subject is architectural design and the project is 'The Great Australian Pub'...part of the class entails some dedicated field research (don't you love these uni courses). So, purely for the honour of contributing to the crucial social education of our future architects: what would you consider the best pubs in melbourne & why?

Oh i don't really have a question, just thought i'd distract you with some riveting viewing
http://www.cheddarvision.tv/
No idea if that will link properly but i have every confidence in you figuring out how to locate the site in question! I dont really want to be 'that girl that wont shut up about 3ways' (in my defence i did not say a word when you posted about one- such self restraint, yes?) but so that this is a legitimate Friday Q&A thingy... did your friend-that-wanted-a-3way-for-his-birthday get his wish?

Dear Ms Fits.....

I have come to you with this puzzling picture hoping that you may shed some of your light for the masses. I'm not entirely happy to bring this picture to you, especially since it makes me feel so dirty and ashamed. For those of you who are interested, but are wreary... it's a promotional photo of Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) for Equus. It's really not THAT dirty... for anyone who has seen Equus or know what it's about/what happens in it.. you'll understand why I am hesitant to ask the question. Anyway.. just go see for yourself. Why do I feel dirty about it? Because it's Harry Potter!! It's just not right. But I guess we all need to make a living some how.

P.S. Please note the sensual armpit hair and treasure trail......I see no wand though??????

http://www.mugglenet.com/viewer/?image_location=equus/new/5.jpg

Dear Ms Fits,

Do you ever have days when you feel that the responsibilities / commitments you have are just a bit overwhelming and you want to stop being an adult? How do you deal with them? I have days like these only very occasionally, and they usually stem from financial burdens (for whatever reason) - not that I'm motivated by money but it's a necessity for living - and I just want to crawl back home and pretend I'm still at uni and can survive on $50 a week (which is infeasible due to distance and also incredibly impolite to MrC). I can only get over it when I have sorted the finances out and to do that I have to be "adult"...

kisses
catty

PS: when I started writing this I was in a financial funk, but have since thought of a brilliant solution - perhaps all I need to ask is "What Would Ms Fits Do?" (trademark image to follow)

I think I am the "people" being scolded in this comment.

"But myriad smartypantses reckon it's clever to pick up grammar mistakes from off of people who get paid more to write than they themselves, in fact, do." So the amount of money I make from writing is relevant how? How do you know that I'm not using bearer bonds to scoop up my dog's poop because of the stack of money I made from the script I wrote and Michael Bay then turned into an even larger pile of dog excrement?

HEY! I'm on Team Fits so don't bite me. I'm so much on Team Fits that it felt incestuous to have her tongue in her mouth.* And not in a Hotel New Hampshire fun incestuous way.


*Do you like how I tried to make myself cool by oral association?

MY question is this... Can you post a picture of both of your dogs wearing costumes for our enjoyment? I haven't seen the new pup yet.

Also Scientician you shouldn't say "from off of"

*runs, covers head and waits for explosion*

Hi Ms Fits. A question for the RYWHM noticeboard, if I may..

Are there any idle red-hot ROCK DRUMMERS out there among the readership? If you got 'mad chops' and would like to be 1/4 of a beautiful noisy thing, email yr highschool yearbook entry to earthsmoltencore@gmail.com