Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #59.

So I'm sitting in my newfound pocket of heaven with shelves and shelves of exciting books and records towering over me and I'm drinking peppermint tea and humming songs from Annie the musical and though moving yesterday was a complete fucking bitch we've landed on our feet my friends; THIS MUST BE JUST LIKE LIVING IN PARADISE.

There are new coffee shops to explore and boxes to unpack and sigh over, but my priorities are my priorities so let us dip our toe into the weekly reassurance of Friday questions.

catbrain said...
Just a quickie, MsF (sorry if it leaves you less than satisfied)...

Any progress on the BoTB podcast? I can offer my 733t editing skillz * if you've got the raw material.



(* I can edit out the actual songs, cos I think there's a copyright issue there, but that's probably the extent of said "talent".)

I keep promising that 2007 will be the year I teach myself podcasting, catbrain. Is it not time to embrace my inner Tron and 'move with the future'? I really am committed to learning, it's just that I've had to turn my entire life and neighbourhood upside down in the summer months and have been rather distracted by finding somewhere to live and tugging on the sleeve of my editors for more work. If you can offer 'mad skillz' then the BOTB archives are kept on Triple R's computer for six weeks at a go and I'd be more than happy to discuss handing over the reigns to ye as I am inherently lazy. Do please email and we'll take it 'private'.

Betty Sue said...
Dear Ms Fits,
My boss is a pompous pain in the arse, and also slightly deaf. Is it wrong of me to make rude remarks that I know he can't hear, but everyone else in the room can?
(I can do it without moving my lips).

Wait, exactly how deaf is he? If you're working for Marlee Matlin and spending coffee breaks murmuring 'a sphincter says what?' while your colleagues cover their mouths in fits of mirth then I'm not certain it's entirely a good idea nor particularly polite. If, however, your superior is the kind of archaic walrus stomping around the office with an ear trumpet insisting that a man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table than when his wife talks Greek then go right ahead and continue your very clever ventriloquist's act.

redbarren said...
re : your sign on the door which is getting momentum, but would she really put a sign on the door ? and wouldn't it be like a nice novelty, but it won't really happen... if it was to tho, i'd copy the george and other macciato infused joints with a blackboard and white chalk with a dynamic message... i'd go less political or topical than such mediums..

"Here. Knock" (for when u r out and ronald the burgler comes)
"Not Here." (when u r)
"I don't feel like it today."
"Derek, You are So Hot Right Now." (usual zoolander reference)

etc;) and to guy who didnt know smiley face, did u get the reverse
smiley face and :D's + :P's

has be(a)vis gone glen close ?
"calm down beavis. you're going to soil your drawers." to quote a google search i was doing...

First, I put a number on the door. Second, I figure out the signage. A blackboard could be useful, though I do run the risk of annoyed friends writing U R A FUCKHEAD when I'm absent and dealing with the emotional aftershocks as I lie awake wondering why I'm not universally loved.


A nice moment from my first day in the hood.


Man on bike: Hey, nice tits!


Me: Thanks!


Man on bike: Can I play with them?


Me: No!


Man on bike: See ya!


Me: Bye!

Johnny Nemo said...
I reckon that was Rikki Lee's butt with the tattoo. Or is that just my fantasy?

Your fantasy is Ricki Lee Coulter from Australian Idol with a picture of an erect penis squirting jism tattooed on her arse?



Dude. Seriously. Are you not interested in normal kinks, like harpaxophilia or freshly washed tennis socks?

ruby said...
the sign on your door should say:

"i want to be sure because, you know, sometimes words have two meanings."

when you're out, and:

"Hear, hare here." when you're in.

you know i'm right, fitsticuffs.

r

But what if my gentleman callers are too drunk to focus*, Ruby? What if all they see in front of them is a blurred muddle of letters and a merry green absinthe fairy? I'm thinking primary colours and all-purpose translatable signals at the moment. Is the universal sign for FUCK OFF I'M WORKING just a computer giving the bird?





*this is highly likely given the problem drinkers I inevitably associate myself with.

Anonymous said...
Sorry to bring so much geekery into the comments here, but I'd really recommend you don't let polichicks.org expire. It will get snapped up automatically by one of the groups using 'domain parking' to make money through ads, and is unlikely to be retrievable for 'regular' use again. It is such a great name that I would really hate to see that happen.
You can renew the domain name without keeping the website itself up. You can also transfer it to someone else.

- Amy (who would love to have that domain name, being as I'm both a chick and political.. and also kind of a domain name junkie)

Thank you, Amy. I have emailed my 'web master' (actually just my friend Larkis who likes to play soccer and chase girls, but allow me my pomp) and he's promised to get on to it.



How does one deal with being a domain name junkie? Do you acquire .coms just for the sake of owning them? Are you sweaty and agitated thinking about polichicks.org potentially expiring and the fact that you may get your wee addict's hands on it? How on earth will your family go about staging an intervention? Mystifying.

Clem said...
Would I be more likely to get my book published if I were dead?

And/or if I looked like Samantha Brett?

I am thinking of quitting EVERYTHING around Easter and focusing on band management and/or kitchen duties. Thoughts?

1. Possibly, but it's not really worth it. You'd miss out on the canapes at the launch, for one. And I can assure you I am penning my memoirs with the singular driving aim of eating an entire platter of mini quiches with Craig Reucassel from the Chaser. Could I enjoy them if I were dead? No, and I'd be a zombie hors deurves-jonesing social pariah festing my milk of the undead all over everyone's free pinot. THINK IT THROUGH, CLEM.


2. You're a swimsuit model who dresses like Bianca Jagger vs Jennifer Herrema, for fuck's. If you dare attempt looking as wholegrain sandwich as Samantha Brett I will personally sick Carl Williams on to you.


3. What do 'kitchen duties' entail exactly? You mean like wifely stuff and basting chickens? Don't quit the game Bastow, the world needs foxy smart arse music dorks with nice vocabularies like you.

Anonymous said...
What the fuck is Britney doing?

Threating suicide is a horrible thing to do to the people who love you.

Oh dear. Poor Britlee. If I knew what the fuck she was doing other than coming of age in a bubble and having some kind of Howard Hughes MUMMY MAKE THE GERMS STOP-type meltdown then I'd be better equipped to answer you. Sadly at this stage I can only say there but for the grace of god etc and if us rather highly strung ladies occasionally feel the need to beat our ex boyfriends' cars with a sharp object then just leave us to it and perhaps come back to us at a more opportune moment with a nice cup of tea and a Fig Newton.

The Last Scientician said...
The Lego booty bitch was, in fact, readily available to young children as Princess Leia ca. Return of the Jedi in their skillfully marketed Star Wars range. The release of this range sounded like the Death rattle of good old imagination stimulating Lego.

Also, I hope you are aware you were tricked into quoting Star Wars in a post last week regarding the Espy. Beware. The nerds are always watching.

What do you mean, 'the nerds are always watching'? Of course they are, TLS. They are my people. I am at home with them.

meva said...
Another shame-faced admission of not understanding the internerd shorthandery. It is only recently that I discovered that 'lol' did NOT mean 'lots of love'. But it was a nice delusion while it lasted.

*sigh*

Am I too tragic for words?

I think it's possibly more tragic that certain ladies of the interweb* have turned the ironic prepubescent mickey-take so far in on itself that the term LOL and its many relatives has eased its way in to the daily vernacular with nary a 'get a load of my cunning pop culture reference' cocked eyebrow. Goody Jessculture for real signed off on an email last night with the words:

'I AM LITERALLY BURSTING AT THE SEAMS WITH EXCITEMENT!

Better get that seen to by a doctor!

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

ROFLWAFFLES!

You can almost smell the good times from here.'



I shall be smacking her across the face when I next see her, fear not.




*I include myself in this list as if there's one thing I can be known as with some conviction it is 'a certain lady of the interweb'.

Anonymous said...
Ms Fits,

In two weeks I'm visiting Melbourne for the very first time.

I live in a small country town and obviously want to appear as if i'm not suffering from social retardation whilst staring at 'the big city' and taking in the sights and sounds as I will be doing the tourist thing with a rather well travelled gentleman.

Do you have any advice on what to expect? and also what the hell do I pack as far as clothing goes? I'm assuming my flip flops and cardigans may be a little unfashionable?

Thank you ever so much x

Hello Anonymous,

Aside from wearing a sailor suit and racing around Spring street clutching at your hat with pointing gasps at skyscrapers, there's really not much that will single you out as a tourist in sweet lady Melba. In terms of what to expect, I guess you should be warned about professional hooligans with stupid haircuts who like to drive cars fast down Chapel street, sallow-eyed vegans with asymmetrical clothing and hocked guitars in Smith street, and robust honey-skinned women with intriguingly-named children suckling at their boobies in Brunswick. Make sure you eat out constantly, see some weird live music somewhere damp and sticky like the Old Bar and for god's sake DO NOT SWIM IN THE YARRA AS IT HAS EEL AIDS.


Someone else has pertinent advice for you also:

Anonymous said...
Anon from the small country town who does not suffer from social retardation… cardigans and flip flops would probably be exactly the thing to wear if you were planning on spending your days north of the river. Provided you have eccentric hair and really f'ing OWN those thongs and cardigans.

Anon #2, you are damn straight with your wordings there. And if the cardigan has some kind of weird 80's Miami Vice dusty pastel patterning all the better.

Riss said...
What are your top picks for the Melbourne Comedy Festival? I have a few favourites but I would like to hear about yours as I am sure that any descriptions would be as witty and hilarious as the performers themselves.

OH GOD PRESSURE TO MAKE WITH THE WITTICISTIC DESCRIPTIONS


I am a bit lame when it comes to Comedy Festival picks as I tend to gravitate towards people I have seen and loved before and then broaden my horizons according to reviews/word of mouth/'buzz' on the 'street'. This year I am counting on my exciting friend Gooshy to give me the inside skinny on who is overtly amusing/handsome as he will be working in the bar and privy to all kinds of festive whisperings. In the interim I'd rely heavily on our old friend Daniel Kitson, the dreamily accented liquorbeast Dylan Moran, Andrew McClelland's Somewhat Ambitious Solution for Making the World a Better Place (in general), adorable faux Berliners Die Roten Punkte, everso right-on mister Rod Quantock, and I shall be recommending that dear Fluffy go see Jeremie Bracka's 'Enough About Me... Let's Talk About Jew!' as it sounds five parts of hilarious.


Not particularly amusing in terms of a delve, but I suggest we all go with the flow come April and exchange notes and updates and together we will have an all-round wholesome festival experience.

hell said...
i was at the state library yesterday and witnessed a hopeful boy sidle up to a girl reading on the steps with the line "...so are you one of those literary types?"

we hovered nearby in the hope that this genius may just pick up, but he got the friendly brush off...

SO, are you a literary type?

And where to from there?

Oh, that's so lovely. I know it shouldn't be and it does sound mildly creepy when examined closely but on first impressions it's just lovely and I would pay dearly to have some bookish type poke his head around the corner of the modern classics section and say the same thing.

I would say I am most certainly a 'literary type', although I'm not even positive what it means. I am a book dork who is currently taking a disproportionate amount of pleasure unpacking novels from cardboard boxes and arranging them in her living room and I carry at least one piece of literature with me at all times in case of emergency and whilst packing I found my first ever illustrated novel which reads as follows:


'CINDY





Once upon a time there was a pretty girl










She grew bigger and danced with the handsome prince*










And she tript over the step'





This pleases me greatly as it would appear I was a fan of slapstick/story twists from a very young age and have used it as a motif in my work ever since and if this makes me a literary type then I shall SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.


After such an opening gambit I'd say directly to the Supper Club for whisky sours on a chaise lounge, but that's just me.






*the accompanying picture for this page features Cindy and the Prince gamely jiving, with the respective speech bubbles 'Yahoo' and 'Wee'. This is pretty much still how I like to cut up the rug, people.

Jay said...
Hey sugartits-ms-fits,
I have so many questions, but I'll try and keep it limited to just the one:
Did you know you have competition?

http://redacted.blogspot.com/

And as a subsection, do you suppose he's coming here and asking you questions, under false names? Not that anybody would do such a thing.

'Not Found


The requested URL was not found on this server. Please visit the Blogger homepage or the Blogger Knowledge Base for further assistance.'


NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW.


*gnashes teeth*


*tears hair*


*beats tiny fist against chest of throbbing and patient strongman*

richardwatts said...
"ASK YOUR PENIS QUESTIONS, CHILDREN."

Oh alright, if you insist.

Cut or uncut - which do you prefer?

I'm not sure I have a preference, richardwatts. Honestly, they each have their charms when used correctly and with the right training and accoutrements. Why would I wish to deny myself lascivious exercising with a debonair young man solely due to loose skin around the sock puppet straining in his trousers?

I didn't even know choosing one over the other was a 'thing'. Is it a 'thing'? DO PEOPLE REALLY HAVE A PREFERENCE OR DO I JUST HAVE LOW STANDARDS.

Sam said...
I made my loved one a mix tape for Valentine's Day (mostly because I am a soppy sod but also because I got a little bit caught up in how clever and retro I was to have thought of the idea all on my own etc.) and it got me to thinking. Considering you are probably the most-worshipped person I don't actually know but have some sort of contact with, I'm certain you must have received BUCKETS of mix-tapes throughout the whirlwind of romance, music and snappy comebacks that is your life (it IS exactly like that and I will hear nothing to the contrary), so I thought I'd ask your expert opinion:

What do you think is the number one mix-tape song?

Okay, let's broaden that, I am greedy - what is your favourite song to be included on a mix-tape, and what do you think the most popular song would be?

Thank you!

I'd say it all depends on who is making the mix tape, Sam (I am admiring you and your romance very much, by the way). I have been both recipient and gift bestower of many a compilation cassette over the years as I find it the most beautiful of wooing techniques and to this day feel humbly admiring of those ladies and gents who have bothered to sit down and create for my aural benefits. It really is such an insight into someone's heart, is it not?


Anyway.


1. I have no idea what the number one mix tape song is, but it should be Fools Rush In by Vincent Gallo Snr.


2. My favourite number to be included on a mixtape is really impossible to pinpoint, but I was quite desperately musically in love with a tortured genius years ago who introduced me to many a fine performer, including Dock Boggs, the Scientists and Richard and Linda Thompson. I love that he added the Stooges' Dirt to his list as well.


I still listen to his tapes. A lot.


3. Wait, most popular for me? For soft-hearted romantics like yourself? For the world?


Another impossible question, though I realised recently that some of my favourite songs ever (Can't Stand Losing You by the Police, I Want You by Elvis Costello) are all about twisted mentalists and tortured suicidal obsession. Cheery additions, aren't they?

Painfree said...
Hiya Fits,
Did you see Kate Miller-Heidke on Rockwiz last Saturday?
Previously unknown to me, Kate was a real crowd-pleaser with both her solo tune and her duet with Paul Dempsey.
Performing with great confidence, she appeared to be an amalgam of Tom Lehrer and Kate Bush.
Further, she pulled off the "small woman in child's clothing" persona with a familiar kind of awkward elegance. I hope you have that look patented, Fitsy.
Painfree.

I didn't see her, no. IS THAT WOMAN STEALING MY SIGNATURE KINDERWHORE DRESSAGE STYLINGS?




Oh. She's twelve parts of adorable.




Carry on.

africanblackducks said...
hi Ms Fits

did you know that the afrikaans word for shit is kak. which makes the happy revolutionary's "politicak" a very fantastic term

xxx

I didn't know that, but I love pretty much everything about this question including that it ends a teaching of afrikaan swearing 101 with three kisses.

snorks said...
Dear Dollfits,

That was the bestest Friday Q&A ever! I'm very interested in what responses Hellglitter's art inquiry will elicit.

I am a little excitied about the RRR stream for tomorrow (Tuesday)night too. I'm sure it will a funny 2 hours of profanity.

Very much looking forward to Sahara next time I am in Melbourne. You did say chess, didn't you?

Oh and lastly, the ranking of the Divas somehow reminded me of Murder, Marry, Fight, Fuck. Its been a while hasn't it?

Best EVER? Goodness me. You do realise I was offensively high on Nurofen Plus at the time of writing last week, yes? Perhaps I need to be heavily dosed at the beginning of every Friday if I'm to impress the fine upstanding commenters of RYWHM.


I did say chess, but don't come and beat me with a stick if you arrive at Sahara only to find a sad-looking moustachioed man doing the cryptic crossword and secretly scratching his testicles beneath the table with the sharp end of a Bic biro. I'm like the Lonely Planet; I can't guarantee whimsy and pulse-racing travel experiences all the time.



p.s. Is that a hint about Murder, Marry, Fight, Fuck? Are we due for another round? I'm game if you are.

Dr Nic said...
a) You mean you couldn't figure out that THE PREGNANT ONE MIGHT HAVE BEEN GABI? Honestly, Dr Nic. I thought you were on the ball.

After having watched two (2) people assume someone was pregnant and make comments regarding said pregnancy and turn out to be terribly, terribly wrong, I have made the decision to only ever presume someone I don't know is pregnant when I am watching a baby come out of them. That's it. Everything else can lead to less-than-hilarious-hijinks-and-crying.

Fair enough, I suppose. Although she really is particularly pregnant - you'd be a bit of a spastic to just presume she had a sudden onset of fatness jutting out from her stomach area and nowhere else.

Jess said...
I made you a mixtape once. I believe it had Kylie on it AND YOU WERE NOT PLEASED.

Was I not? Didn't I even appreciate the gesture with cooing sighs and sweet whispers of gratitude? What kind of ungrateful only child cockrag am I? I do apologise.


*pens letter of protest to parents for poor upbringing*

Betty Sue said...
Re your sign on door: Maybe two pictures of belly buttons? An innie and an outtie? If you are really talented, you could take plaster casts of particularly fine examples of both, and use those?

(I don't understand why I used so may question marks there, perhaps it is an 'strayan value to do so)

Oh, what a lovely way to meet boys.



Me: Excuse me, I don't wish to be rude...


Lovely boy in tight slacks: Mm?


Me: Do you mind taking your shirt off so I can take a plaster cast of your bellybutton to hang outside my front door?


Lovely boy in tight slacks: ......


Me: Promise not to catch your pubic hair in the drip-offs!


Lovely boy in tight slacks: Gracious, is that the time? I need to buy a tent at Bunnings.

Anonymous said...
when you open up the verbal quiver and shoot the linguistic arrow straight and true.

Uugh. Really?

< Shudders >

Well I liked it, Anon. And would be suitably breathless and girlishly taken aback were someone to fang it my way across a highball.



I'm quite gramatically cheap that way

McDave said...
Howdy Ms Fits,

all this talk of stiff penises and talking to them got me thinking... which led to a startling realisation... or at least a delightful "word nerd" moment.



ready?



stif 4 fits.

hows that for a palindrome!

I am a tragic, tragic individual. I got all excited by that and quickly wrote it down on a post-it so I wouldn't forget it.

A poorly (and might I add quickly) constructed poem for Bevis

There once was a lad named Bevis
whose buttcrack was more of a crevice.
till Fits bombed that cleft
and left us bereft
of that stunning young man named Bevis.



My entry for your J'aDoor Comp...
Use Authors... in keeping with your literary grouse-ness.
when not in the mood for visitors you put up "Dostoevsky" or some other depressing Russian.
when very much in the mood for silly shenanigans, or at the very least some form of rhyming (hopefully better than our efforts at rhyming Bevis) you put up "Dr. Seuss"
when really only wanting visits from men with lust filled pants you put up "Marquis De Sade"
and so forth and so on...

Looking forward to the Peaches interview on Tuesday!

Hope the new place is beginning to feel like a home.

1. OMFG I AM A PALINDROME


I have been waiting for this day for years. IN YOUR FACE, FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES.


2. Nice Bevis poem, though I am somewhat less keen on the rhyming of 'Bevis' with 'Bevis'.


Tough word to make the rhymes with, isn't it?


I bet he adores it.


3. 'Wanting visits from men with lust filled pants'? That sounds rather messy. Would they towel themselves off before they came in? My carpet's just been steam cleaned.

Anonymous said...
Ms Fitz,

A question if I may?

Maxine McKew has announced today her intention to stand as The ALP candidate for the Federal seat of Bennelong in the coming October election. As Ms McKew has been on my GF3 list for some time, would a move to one of the suburbs of Sydney that falls within the aforementioned electorate - in the hope of being doorknocked (or more!) by the gorgeous Maxine - constitute a gross act of stalking that requires help, or can such actions be rationalised as me doing my bit to overthrow the evil Empire and restore peace and order to the Galaxy by helping the ALP to win one of the 16 seats required to form Government?

Any advice is appreciated.

Suave The Cat

Of course you may, Suave the Cat. And what an interesting question it is too.


In my little red book of love affairs, packing up an entire house and moving to a brand new suburb for the whole purpose of breathlessly flinging open the front door naked but for a cheekily placed election pamphlet which may or may not end in tears/arrest possibly sounds a little on the excessive side BUT WHAT WOULD I KNOW. Sure, why not pretend you're in it for the sole purpose of booting J-Ho fair in the electioneering nuts and if Ms McKew takes out an AVO and instructs her dogs to kill you on sight then what price romance and at least you've given it a red hot go.



Do keep us updated, won't you?


*purchases front-row ticket*


*orders popcorn*

elmo said...
in the interest of oversharing, i wanted you to know that the day came when i walked away from mr soul destroyer. it was remarkably easy/fuelled by tequila. this brings me to ponder if falling in love with a man completely unavailble/emotionally crippled/moronic beyond belief but great in the sack is every woman's right of passage? if so, this does not make me feel any less stupid for all the time wasetd/whithering stares from friends. maybe i should never sleep with anyone again, as clearly, i lose my mind. am i doomed, or will i grow out of it?

much obliged.

xx

I love oversharing. Please continue.


Yeah, most of us flighty art-whore types will fall in love with a man-mess at least once in our lives. Some of us - and by us I mean me - continue to do it as we are intensely attracted to trouble and like to take our sweet time learning the important lessons about love and relationships. Occasionally we end up with a down-home decent human being and at this time question everything that is good and holy about ourselves and fuck it up by behaving like an ass.


You'll grow out of it, lovely girl. And then you won't. And then you will again. And so on, and so it goes.

Stephen said...
So Miranda Panda was in one of my classes last year. I thought about getting one of those t-shirts to wear to class but I decided not to because it would be too mean.

But I go to the lecture today and she's in one of my classes again.

Two parter:

a) would it be too mean?

b) is it even possible to be too mean to Liberals?

a) Yes.


b) No.


MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL.




p.s. A nice post-script to this question is that the other day my folks turned up at my old joint to help with some packing and my mother and I both - entirely randomly - were wearing the t-shirt in question. I looked a bit embarrassed and she looked particularly chuffed. Then we hugged for a long time. Then we got snippy with each other. Then we hugged again.

Anonymous said...
Ms Fitz

Am I insufferably juvenile or is this ABC news headline funny?

"Midnight pegging expedition ruled unlawful"

http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200702/s1858298.htm

Will both really not suffice? I urge you to lean on the side of juvenile, anyways - it's so much more fun not giving two parts of an egging fuck about what people think of you when you laugh at dog's bottoms and children running into poles. To hell with maturing and talking about tiling.



Also: Would pegging be as amusing if practiced during the afternoon? Just a thought.

bec said...
Ok, so everyone knows about that air hostess who slept with ralph fiennes.

My question - what's all the kerfuffle about?

If a smoking hot celebrity you had pined over offered you a jab in the airplane toilets, wouldn't most people go for it?

I mean, i wouldn't - i find it hard enough to pee in those things.

But wouldn't YOU?

P.S I DEFINITELY wouldn't for him.

I had a long and involved discussion about this very thing only a week or so ago, Bec. I was sat around a table eating dinner and people started saying 'Ew, imagine sexing in an airplane toilet at the end of a long-haul flight' and everyone made yuck faces and said they'd never joined the mile-high club as it was gross squared and I went a bit quiet because I actually did sex in one of those airless cubicles once though was a bit too embarrassed to own up to it in mixed company. It was with my boyfriend at the time and over kind of fast as we were both not really in the mood and wanted to return to our tiny wee bottles of gin.


I'm always up for new experiences though, and if a smoking hot celebration of a human - let's say for example Fabrizio Moretti - were to pass me in the aisle and make winky faces at me until I unbuckled and followed, then I'd definitely be in for a penny. Not sure Ralph Fiennes would cut the mustard, really...though depending on how much of the aforementioned gin I'd imbibed I may be persuaded to at least give him a wristy before the in-flight movie began.

Ryan said...
Hello Msy, good to hear that the move is proceeding satisfactorily (I get the impression that many of your new neighbours are willing to help carry your items, although some of these will be whilst exiting the house, rather than moving them in).

Did you know that FTBC was mentioned in an article in the AFR on Thursday? There was no mention of you, but as I've gathered that you already have a vice-like grip over most of the nation's broadsheets, you may have been happy to let this one go.

Will you be participating in the forthcoming specials?

I also caught the end of your radio show.

You swore.

A lot.

As much as on here.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, I'm very pleased you liked the radio show Ryan. I did try to give you a language warning, but people INSIST ON LEARNING THE HARD WAY ARE YOU READING THIS MOTHER.


I'm not sure what you mean by 'upcoming specials' of FTBC. I'm in it once a month - which is as much as it's on - and will continue turning up with my book in hand until they cast me away with cross expressions for getting the taping confused with my radio show and shouting THIS NOVEL IS FOR UTTER CUNTS before flashing my boobies at Jackie Weaver and passing out.

BEVIS said...
McDave, I love your limerick! Excellent!

See, McDave? Told you.

BEVIS said...
"I did realise in hindsight, Bevis. I apologise profusely for not fully acknowledging your wit and charm. Let's never fight again."


Deal.

PS - We weren't fighting, and if you say we were, I'll take you out the back and bitchslap you 'til your ears bleed.

x

Jokes, sweetie.

Don't call me sweetie, Bevis. Only boys in Miller shirts with soft hair may do that.

BEVIS said...
"I suppose you're right, Bevis. But honestly. How often does one have a poem dedicated to their name, misspelled or not? I suggest you just sit back like a naked muse with a nice necklace and enjoy the attention while it lasts."


A superb point, and very handsomely made, if you don't mind my saying so. Forgives?

I humbly apologise for any ire that may have been read into my rather ungrateful line of questioning, Hellglitter.

Bevis, you are starting to create a bottleneck in Friday q and a. I do hope you're not going to make a habit of this.

BEVIS said...
"Goodness but you're a hindrance, young man. Here I am wanting to go out for dinner with Genevieve and Gabi and all. YOU'RE LUCKY I HAPPEN TO THINK YOU'RE CHARMED."


The feeling's mutual, I assure you. Apart from you being a hindrance and a young man ... and me wanting to go out for dinner with Genevieve and Gabi and all. Not that I don't think they're lovely people; it's just that I haven't met them, so pushing myself onto them (figurately speaking, of course) for a meal sounds a bit forward. (I'd be happy to do it literally, though.)


"1) I'm not really involved in the porn industry or commercial radio, if that would suffice."


Yes, it usually does. Thank you.


"4) I have utterly no idea. Possibly because I was making it up as I went along and any transcription of dialogue would sound like a confused talking monkey high on crack."


I've asked you before not to make fun of my speaking voice.


"5) Don't call Damien Estall slacky! He is tall and could smite you like a wee bitch."


Well that's hardly an accomplishment, is it! Janette Howard could smite me like a wee bitch on a bad hair day. I'm not exactly what you'd call "gifted in the biceptuals".


"9) I drove my car and parked at Melbourne Central so am unable to answer this particular question."


*cough* cop-out *cough*


"10) Yes, quite a few times. He phoned me today, coincidentally."


Nice of you to just casually throw that into conversation like so much chopped liver. "Oh yeah, I popped over to Branson's place in London the other day to drop off his washing - the silly Sir had left his knickers here last time he flew over on a Virgin!" What an exotic life you lead when someone like Michael Veitch just calls you up at random.

(Question for this week: Do you get invites to the Logies?)

(Alternate Question for this week: If not, are you able to go along as Michael Veitch's date? Do you think his female nymphomaniac housemates would mind?)


"11) No, I'm long past that."


Oooh! Well aren't WE the mature one, then!!


"13) No, because I am deep down a sweetheart."


Now that I can vouch for.

x

*sighs deeply*

BEVIS said...
Question: What's your (honest, of course) opinion of Myf Warhurst?

And, separately, what's your (honest, of course) opinion of the name "Myf"? Do you think her parents hated her? And (prepare yourself for a Dad's Joke) do you think she was miffed about it as she grew up?

*applause*

*bows*

Thank you. I'll be performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Hope to see you there.

1. I have known Myf for years and always found her to be an utter doll. We get along exceptionally well.


2. Myf is a Welsh name and short for Myfanwy. I have quite the weirdo name myself, so am loath to pass judgement on what Mr and Mrs Warhurst were thinking when they named her.


3. Stop it at once.

BEVIS said...
When does "just one more question" become "one question too many"?

Was it about four questions ago?

How many times exactly have you appeared on this q and a, Bevis? If I weren't in a hurry to go eat Japanese dinner and scream hysterically at the Pink Fits I would be more than willing to explore your psyche with Mystic Meg-type fervour, but as it is I am barely dressed and need to slash at some cardboard boxes before tarting myself up. Anyway, as previously stated ALL QUESTIONS ARE WELCOMED. If not with open arms, then at least with a begrudging smile and sweet little kick at the dirt.


****************



I must be away to a land of honeyed nasu dengaku - and to those who missed out, first up next week and so on. Leave your questions for Friday 9th in the comments below and do we all wish to be beside the seaside? Not me, I am at my window looking out onto urban bliss and waiting to unpack more of my life into order.


Thanks for playing with me.


253 days til the next election.

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