Friday q and a #67.
Oh lord, is it Friday already? I've just spent two blissful days in the country throwing pinecones from a verandah (not a metaphor) and somehow lost track of time. It must have been all the Connect 4.
Let's gear up for a long and involved weekend with some questions and hopefully we'll emerge at the other end relatively unscathed:
ofBrunswick said...
Good morning! I have a question, if it's not too late for this week... I've been discussing this conundrum with some of my friends to no avail. So: do you think there is any way to go up and start talking to a complete stranger in public without being a) incredibly rude, and/or b) some kind of a crazy person? I ask because it generally feels to me like it's kind of a rude thing to do, to just interrupt someone for no real reason; and yet sometimes I feel like it might be kind of nice to be on either end of some random public conversational spontaneity. But the only time this ever actually happens (to me, anyhow) is during those encounters with the talkative folk who perennially haunt Melbourne's public transport, and who generally don't talk so much as they mumble incomprehensibly, ask repeatedly for spare change, and occasionally vomit.
Some "public" situations are kind of different, like parties; you can talk to any strange person at a party under the flimsiest of pretexts. But what if you just see somebody who looks interesting (or whatev) out down the street, say? How could you say hello to them without kinda freaking them out? Is it even an okay thing to bother them at all in the first place? To be honest: one of the reasons I'm asking you, in particular, is because I happen to have (coincidentally!) recognised you out at various public places like, 3 times in the past 4 or 5 weeks, and each time I've been tempted to go up and say hello, but I haven't. So, what's your opinion on being interrupted by a random stranger while you're out somewhere with your friends?
I’ve always rather enjoyed striking up random conversations with citizens I don’t know, though now I’m starting to worry that I may be one of those ‘talkative folk’ roaming up and down Melbourne’s trams sobbingly informing people that my fingers have died or that there is a tiny dwarf called Brian living inside my brain singing Regurgitator songs. The best kind of ‘hello stranger, what do you know’ chat kickstarter is usually yet another random’s pain/trauma/mental breakdown as you will naturally gravitate towards the nearest stable bystander to make ‘oh dear’ faces and bond over your comparative stability/health.
There are definitely people out there who respond warmly to a cheery ‘I do very much enjoy your hat, fine fellow’-type platitude from a passer-by, and I’m sure if you find the right opening line and free-wheeling spirit the planets will align and you’ll be holding hands in Brunswick Street Bookstore browsing Martin Amis titles with your new friend before you know it. If it’s me I’d most always welcome the interruption and chance to meet someone new though if I look slightly mortified it’s probably due to the fact that the moment you’re gone I’ll have to explain to my friends about my dorky secret life on the internet and they’ll instantly downgrade me to spanner status.
Still, yes. Let’s have a drink together. I’m quite nice in person, once you get past the salty language.
Virginia said...
How tall are you, exactly, Ms Fits? I'm shocked that Wikipedia doesn't tell me.
I’m kind of short. About 5’3” I think, though I haven’t measured in ages. Taller than Gabi, yet still small enough to fit my nose in the perfect neck scoop of a moderately sized gentleman.
Dr Nic said...
See, I knew I was being socially responsible with my pregnancy blindness.
Or maybe I'm just waiting for Miranda Devine's vision of a 50's Australia where men are men, women "don't give up the goods before marriage" and immigrants are white Europeans to come true so I can be ignorant of everything that happens to a woman, you know, down there.
Those Diflucan commercials have a lot to answer for, Dr. Nic. Even I don’t want to know that much about ladies’ yeast infections.
Nino Spirelli said...
Hey Fits
I'm gonna keep this short and devoid of anything clever or witty, just to be different. Let me say that 1. Enjoy you on book club. 2. Why is Jennifer B a bit manic? 3. Try and get either Ben Orki's The Famished Road or anything by V.S. Naipaul on, and 4. For fucksake, will someone please visit my blog - its dying for lack of visits and comments....Regards N Spirelli
1. Thank you.
2. She’s not manic, she’s just enthused about certain novels and human beings and a delight to be around. You should see what she’s like when she tries to set you up on a date with someone.
3. I can forward your suggestions to the producer, though I can’t necessarily bring those novels myself ‘til I’ve read them. Next time I get five minutes alone I’ll give them a crack, but I must warn you I have a daunting book queue which includes Treasure Island and In Cold Blood, so you might have a fight on your hands.
4. You heard N, people. GO VISIT.
epon_anon said...
I second the motion, henceforth called The Spirelli Act (2007). The Famished Road is a beautiful novel & would be a worthy contender. I might even remember to watch the show if you get an Okri novel on.
p.s. veri-baby = elmoo, which is almost an actual name, though possibly for a loved bovine.
Oh, so now there are conditions on people watching the show? Just you wait, soon you lot will be dressing me and making me send secret signals by doing rolly eyes whenever Jason Steger is talking. I WILL BE YOUR TELEVISUAL WHORE.
Re: Elmoo:
BEVIS said...
... or a Muppet.
Hello, Bevis.
Anonymous said...
i think that shows Bevis is lurking 24 hours a day just waiting to throw in a Muppet reference!
I think this shows you are lurking 24 hours a day just waiting to see what Bevis does next, Anon. Cheeky Glenn Close-esque obsessive that you are.
Clem said...
Why is this so sad?
My pal and I think it's because the cat is sad ("I has hard day", sad face) but still wants to be polite ("plz").
Your thoughts?
You and those bloody 'cat bongz' pictures, Bastow...
I actually don't find that picture sad at all. Mostly I find I can relate to the whole 'polite but world weary feline seeking respite from work through alcohol' scenario, which scares me more than it scares you. Believe me.
Anonymous said...
"next Bob you should read is And So On, And So It Goes. You may weep." (Fits 2007)
I am reading 'So it Goes' is 'And So On, And So it Goes' another in a series or one and the same? Reading Bob Ellis on a Friday night: my decadent youth is officially over.
You’re right, apologies. It’s the same. I get confused because of my tattoo.
Anyway, I spent my entire ‘decadent youth’ nose deep in a Bob Ellis book and it hasn’t done me any harm, has it*? I am seven and a half species of beguiling, particularly when full of sticky date pudding and making sleepily lascivious eyes across the dinner table.
*This question not open to Liberal bloggers or general Enemies Of Left Wing Freedom kthx.
Ryan said...
I seem to have dropped off the end of last week's Qs, Fitsy (no doubt due to my frequent posting in the early hours of Friday morning (at least, your early hours), so am attempting to remove digit (which also makes typing easier) far earlier this week.
What's the worst date you've ever had? I remember going out with an Irish girl once who I'd met at a club whilst, shall we say, not of clear mind, and it was the most uncomfortable two hours of near silence I've ever been in...with nary a bit of action to releave the tension (obviously I had gone on the date with high expectations due to her...friendliness when first meeting).
Also, my ex moved back to Melbourne last Saturday after five years here in London. Where should she go for a good time out?
1. I really don’t know about the worst date I’ve ever had. Earlier this year I was having dinner with a perfectly charming gentleman in a local bar when my ex-husband’s record was put on the stereo without warning* and we sat silently finishing our meals to the tune of my relationship breakup which somewhat killed the mood. Also when I was thirteen I laughed so hard on a zoo date with Brett Birkhill I wet my pants. Hideously embarrassing for someone old enough to masturbate, I’m sure you’d agree.
p.s. Brett Birkhill still asked me to ‘go’ with him later in the afternoon. Fear the extent of my urine-soaked insouciant charm, people.
2. You mean as in a ‘buckle on the dancing shoes and cut up the rug’ good time? My heart was stolen long ago by live music venues like the Tote and NSC, but for a wild evening on the tiles making sexy with barmen I’d start with cocktails at Lily Blacks and move on to somewhere skanky with good records like Cherry Bar.
Pony remains a law unto itself, particularly if you want to walk through a room full of people who look like this
*To be honest, I really haven’t ever been in a venue where they warn punters in advance about changes in background music. Perhaps in future bartenders could employ a little gong so people are aware that the mood is about to shift from Bill Monroe to Gene Vincent.
bec said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLWZZhWMKfM
opinion?
I think Will Ferrell is dishy with unruly hair.
Also: Do you suppose that child will be amused when she’s thirteen? My parents used to do this kind of shit to me all the time and they still like to roll out the photographic evidence for their own cruel purposes. It's no wonder I'm like I am.
Jeff Bebe said...
Do you ever delete comments you are left? I would expect not, since one sees quite nasty, hate-filled and badly-punctuated diatribes in your comments. But sometimes I'm so sure I have left a comment, and it's vanished by the next Friday. Maybe I should quit the cheese sandwiches before bed. But the question is, do you or have you ever deleted comments you have been left?
I never delete comments unless people specifically request it, Jeff. From memory a couple of yours might’ve slipped through the cracks as you’ve left them in Fridays two or three weeks gone. I’ll carry over leftover q’s from the Friday previous but I can’t be expected to trawl back over months and months of my inane Agony Aunting as despite all appearances I am quite a busy lady who in no way should find something more wholesome to do with her time than field enquiries from faceless lovelies like yourself.
Anonymous said...
More in need of wisdom than anything but an opinion will do.
First time ever, I accepted the offer of being a fuck buddy.
It's been a month now. It's been quite fun so far. However, I find that it's hard to separate the physical from the emotional.
Also, it makes it awkward to seek intellectual and emotional (romantic) stimulation elsewhere. Feelings of betrayal to all parties concerned creep in. ie. "I'd like to know you better. BTW, I'm sleeping with someone else right now but it's just sex".
I feel quite dishonest pursuing anyone else (to all parties involved).
The situation was clarified recently with her turning down an invite to the Comedy festival with, "Doing things like that is not how I see our relationship proceeding".
Do you see this ending in tears? What do you think MacGyver would have done?
ps
congratulations on being an aunt.
Oh boy, Anon. You’re existing in such a strange morally ambiguous limbo right now and with all respect I can’t say I envy you.
I recently had a long and involved discussion with a dear friend about whether the notion of fuck buddies actually works anywhere but on paper and in Irvine Welsh novels. We basically agreed that one party inevitably ends up swelling with emotion for the other and calling relationship shotgun while the other blithely carries on sexing without pausing for a moment to consider feelings/birthdays/’our song’ etc. Meeting someone who is able to maintain some kind of aloof 'let's draw naked lines in the sand, compadre' distance once the ardour has cooled can be a challenge when you're one of the many folk who equate making fuck with deep sentiment. Then again, it's an entirely modern concept and there's no doubt some wildly inventive libertines might be able to pull if off with gusto.
It’s a weird one I guess. I only share beds with people I feel great affection for, so it does complicate things when one’s idea of status quo is rocked by a partner bluntly stating that they'd actually prefer it if you didn't call between the hours of 8am and 8pm weekdays. I'm guessing that given your predilection for seeking out intellectual and romantic stimulation elsewhere you're obviously more open to Love than your bedmate and should probably call it a day on the ol' affair. By the sounds of things, yes. It will end in tears. I'm sorry.
p.s. I think Macgyver would create a bomb to open a door using a gelatin cold capsule containing sodium metal which he would then place in a glass container filled with water and when the gelatin dissolved in the water the sodium would react violently with the water and cause an explosion which blew a hole in the wall. How that would assist the emotional tumult is anyone's guess, but at the very least you'd both be distracted enough to stop weeping for all of five minutes.
ruby said...
Fitsticuffs,
Don't worry about Gazzo comparisons - one of you is charming, witty and quite well assembled* HINT: not the one presently working in the UK. I also just noticed that the acronym RYWHM looks alarmingly like how Team America's version of Kim Jong Il would say 'rhythm'.
My question: like you, one of my first cars was a Mitsubishi Colt. Foolishly (indeed, inexplicably), I bought a second one after that one died. Ever made a large-ish purchase (let's say four figures?) that you deeply regretted?
also, big squeezes for gabi, bob and the gabi+boblet.
*yes, yes - you know i'd normally be more colourful about your pulchritudinousness, but i'm in a rare efficient mood. carry on.
Even if I did end up secretly regretting a four-figure purchase I don’t think I’d ever spend the rest of my days shaking my fist at the sky and rueing the day etc. I tend to make my clandestine peace with these kind of things and move on with life, convincing myself over time that it really wasn’t such a bad motorbike/ceramic cow/inflatable jumping castle after all and aren’t we better to have had the experience and push the fiscal boundaries and so on. Also: I very rarely make four figure purchases outside of holidays to Malaysia where nice people bring you fruity drinks on the beach and monkeys jerk off outside your bungalow window, so the question barely applies.
Easily Confused said...
Hello Ms Fits,
Couple of things. First, thanks for "the ol' 'throwing a sausage down a hallway" you very funny lady you. I'm already thinking up ways of working it into conversations.
Second, THE SCARY PANCAKE SPACEMAN. I love astronauts and pancakes, why is this image so disturbing? Can't get it outta my head as Kylie would say.
Third, after all my monogamy fretting, I saw the lust object the other day and it was just gone, the lusting I mean. There is LOTS to be said for waking up to oneself and appreciating long term partner who makes one baked beans on toast when one has a headache and is a top root to boot.
Have a lovely Sydney.
1. Don’t thank me, thank Ted Danson*. He said it about his then-partner Whoopi Goldberg during a ‘roasting’, no doubt prompting a fair degree of icy silence during the car ride on the way home.
2. I love Mersey Valley Cheddar and Caleb Followill’s perfect bottom, and the last thing I want is the two of them combined in some kind of horrific cheese-arse pairing. Some precious concepts are meant to be kept separate, and you shouldn’t feel strange about it. Have you considered musing over puzzles like a) ‘If Paul McCartney is last Beatle standing does this = Fair and Just God?' or b) 'What's Jeff Goldblum up to these days?'? I find these kind of thoughts take my mind off weird pancake spacemen for enough time to regain equilibrium.
3. I am so glad this has been resolved, Easily Confused. Lucky you. Hold on to your bean-making dynamo; there are plenty out there who crave your domestic stability.
*This is a sentence I hope to use at least more than once in my life.
Big Matt Stud said...
Just who is it at the ABC that keeps giving Paul McDermott new shows ? I understand you have some contacts there Ms Fits, can you please find out who it is and make them stop ?
i) How would I know? Presumably someone sitting behind a big desk with a framed picture of Chairman Mao hanging from their wall indicating the kind of pinko filthbags running the national broadcaster DON’T THINK WE DON’T KNOW.
ii) Yeah, because I have that power at the ABC given my status as a once-a-month bigmouth on a late-night television show. You can just imagine the ‘heads’ that would ‘roll’ were I to stomp into the office of Arts and Entertainment shouting ‘MCDERMOTT – NEW SHOW – DISCUSS’. No doubt they’re terribly afeared of me failing to give my opinion on the new Steven Hall novel come June.
Anonymous said...
dear msfts-nizzle,
have you partaken in the weirdness that is this:
http://wolfanfics.livejournal.com/
i can't remember how i found it, but the one which got me strangely addicted was the one about tony abbott being rapey with craig reucassell, & craig explaining it to chris taylor with an analogy about possums & forest creatures.
i don't want to mock, i just find myself strangely drawn to it. like looking at the sun. have you read much fan fiction yourself & how does it (particularly this chaser-related variety) make you feel (in the pants or otherwise)?
tara! X
I hadn’t actually stumbled across Chaser fan fiction previously (are those rakish gents going to be mentioned in at least one Friday question from now til the end of time? Honestly), though must admit this particular brand is somewhat disturbing. I made the mistake of clicking ‘next story’ only to be led into a bizarre bondage scenario involving Wil Anderson and Adam Hills which left me gasping for air and somewhat desperately in need of a shower. Who on earth dreams these things up? Is it not enough to peacefully admire folk from a distance without conjuring ways for them to rub against each other and lick faces?
I’ve not got much experience with people writing stories about Buffy going down on Xena Warrior Princess and so forth, but I guess I understand the motives behind those who pen it. If the sight of a lady in a leather bikini fighting aliens on television gets you jazzed in the nethers, why not dash to your laptop and feverishly bang out an 800 word piece on what you imagine she’d get up to on her off nights alone with a bottle of Oyster Bay Sauv Blanc and a particularly wayward loofah? At any rate it’s better than sending certain actresses mildly threatening emails and turning up outside channel ten wearing a breastplate.
With regard to Chaser fan fiction specifically – I can’t say I’ve ever fantasized about that particular collective of fellows touching knobs together, so it does little for me. Each to their own, though.
p.s. ‘I can’t remember how I found it’ is just about the most adorable excuse one can make for stumbling across something vaguely disturbing on the internet. We are all of us hideously creepy googlers, admit it.
Ben said...
Thank you indeed. The show was at the Amber Lounge. It wasn't my show, exactly, it was someone else's, but I periodically came on and did, well, "jokes" may be an apt term. A little bit of spoken word, stand-up, whatever. Anyway, it was called off. Partly because of near-zero attendance, but also in large part to whoreson venue Nazis who didn't want us there costing their lightbulb money.
Anyway...I think you're right about Degrassi, although I think Kimba could inflict some serious collateral damage. Arthur wouldn't last long, and there may well be an irrevocable shattering of Spike's egg-which-is-used-to-teach-parental-responsibility. I don't know Christie Mackay, but I bet she never went to major maths exam and forgot her calculator.
Advertising...well, the festival train has sailed, but I AM at the Comic's Lounge being a "new comic" (very new, having only been doing it for 3 years) on May 1, and at St Peter's Hall Mornington on June 8. Also, you can buy my book at http://www.lulu.com/benpobjie (stalkers note: this is not my real name. Everybody else: yes it is). But...um, this is Q&A so I really should put this in the form of a question...OK:
Q: Why don't you all go and buy my book at http://www.lulu.com/benpobjie? Or buy it from me! I'll even sign it for you! For five dollars extra, I'll also give you a firm yet tender kiss. For ten dollars extra, I won't.
Ew, I feel dirty. This is why I shall never succeed as writer or performer: unwillingness to promote myself. The lack of desire to stop writing letters saying "I wonder if there's a possibility..." and start writing letters saying "Give me that fucking job on Neighbours or you will regret it the rest of your puny life." That's not an attempt at a wanky reference to your career, I really did try to get a job on Neighbours.
This is the silliest and unnecessarily-lengthiest comment ever, but I have stuck to my resolution not to ask anything about sex. Another question to make it seem worthwhile, er...
Q: Are you familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000? And if so, they should put it on here, innit?
Greetings, Ben
1) Fine then, I will. Though I’m still tossing up my options with the added extras.
2) Not familiar, no. I did, however, google and it's a fucking brilliant concept, so YES.
Anonymous said...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=a8th0JR2UoM&mode=related&search=">
FUCKING WATCH THE VIDEO
Why are you shouting at me, Anon? I didn’t do anything wrong. And why are you so insistent on making me watch a Fauves video? Is there some kind of hidden message about me getting a real job that I’ve utterly missed?
If it’s any consolation, I’ve now had that fucking song in my head for the better part of an hour. Anon = 1, Fits = 0.
Anonymous said...
Just who was the lanky comedian you tried to woo????
He was one-half of Flight of the Conchordes. And quite the gentleman, might I add.
DJKL said...
Is it merely a coincidence that a few weeks back we were dicussing how great it would be if Rage had a competition where you could programme for the night, and suddenly they actually have MADE THIS HAPPEN? Or is your blog being spied on by the ABC hierarchy and ransacked for ideas?
1. A complete coincidence, yes. Who are these up-high people at the ABC that you lot presume pore over my blog for inspiration and secret guidance? You do realize I write most of these answers high on goji berries and wearing only underpants?
2. YES, YES IT IS. SEND THE FEDS, THEY ARE BLEEDING MY PRECIOUS CREATIVITY DRY.
Simon said...
Does it concern you that the photo in your weekly column doesn't do you any favours? The green tint isn't really going to help anyone- who doesn't have naturally green skin, I guess- but the lack of contrast is making you look like a wayward podling, one of those little freaks from the Dark Crystal. You could have a word to the paper's photographer?
I say this as a friend, you understand.
You don’t like my dinkus*? Fair enough, I suppose. I am a little gelfling-esque there, peering over my words like some wide-eyed otherworld idiot. How on earth do you suggest I ask the Green Guide to make my photograph ‘un-green’? The paper it’s printed on is green. The name of it is green. I fear for our success with the radical changes, I must say.
*I still haven’t figured out why they call it this though since hearing my surprise about it my editor now uses 'Dink' as my nickname, which I think is rather sweet.
titus coolie macca said...
from monday(?)s comments:
Anonymous said...
You hate him just because his Dad is a liberal politician.
You are such a bitch. and not in a good way.
ms fits said...
No, I hate him because he's a Young Liberal and they are by nature appalling human beings
Anonymous said...
By your own admittance, you don't know any Young Liberals.
How can you hate them if you don't know them?
For all you preach tolerance and peace, YOU are by nature an appalling human being: intolerant, judgmental, hopelessly biased. Actually, make that just hopeless.
In other news: you are ugly.
*******
alright, apart from this anon being an obvious psycho type just a little, do you not find this last bit often true of the (especially younger 20s-30s often hippie type) left? i'm a bit pro-environment, -people-non-starving, -or-living-on-others'-rooves(roofs?) and all myself, but it shits me to tears when friends who are somewhat dogmatically so start screeching about how Americans are all useless stupid cunts, as are all right-wingers etc. Tony Abott, howard etc. fair enough, but calling any Liberal voter or American an arsehole is pretty fucking hypocritical if you're claiming to be generally tolerant and non-racist, isn't it? you just end up seeming a hate-filled knob who's jumped on a different (left- rather than right-wing) bandwagon.
also:
Beamer said...
Nobody wants to catch gonorrhoea, AIDS, stupidity or communism by sleeping with some fucked up Marieke Hardy type who cuts herself at night and pretends she's depressed because of the state of the world.
ms fits said...
How do they want to catch gonorrhoea, AIDS, stupidity or communism then, beamer? Surely it's my way or the highway.
**** HOLY FUCKIN ROFL ROFLROFLROFLORFLORL
Gold.
I was being somewhat fatuous when I derided each and every Young Liberal as an appalling human being, titus. I’ve known a few Coalition voters in my time who are more than tolerable, though our vast political differences somewhat rule us out as potential paramours.
That said, actually committing oneself at a delicately blossoming age to the Liberal Party would suggest some kind of robust losing of the mind, though I’m only going on Chloe Hooper’s brilliant article in The Monthly.
Anyway:
Ben said...
I'm not sure that calling Liberal voters arseholes counts as racism...unless Liberal is a race. And I don't think calling people arseholes is intolerant, as long as you tolerate arseholes. And people seem to mostly tolerate them: in fact, the arseholes multiply and thrive day by day.
Oops, this isn't a question, sorry!
I prefer not to think about ‘multiplying arseholes’ in great detail, if it’s all the same with you. I am a lady.
Stop sniggering up the back.
Titus replies:
titus coolie macca said...
no... so perhaps you could infer that I was referring to the anti-Americanism instead of anti-Liberalism, if you tried real hard? also i think verbally abusing people based on generalising is pretty intolerant, I'm not talking about ms fits just dogma-lovin ignorant-faces of the left, 'fuck you fascist' etc. If Toorak-ites went around nth fitzroy calling people fucking hippies i think it would be seen as intolerant.
But people from Toorak do go around North Fitzroy calling people fucking hippies, don’t they? I’ve read Lillian Frank’s column in Saturday’s Herald Sun, I KNOW HOW THOSE HIGHBROW HORSE-LOVERS ROLL.
I wouldn’t verbally abuse someone based on generalizing, anyway. I’d verbally abuse them for being a fuckface.
Anonymous said...
titus coolie macca, Ben's right, calling Liberals "arseholes" isn't racist. Anti-Americans sentiment is not racist either. Americans, you see, aren't a distinctive race.
Speaking of racist, though, do you know what "Coolie" means?
Isn't he a character from Don's Party?
Oh, wait. My bad. Apologies.
p.s. How did you know that, Anon? Mystifying.
Easily Confused said...
Ms Fits,
I just got all excited because I'd actually remembered it's Tuesday and remembered to remind myself to watch you on the ABC bookclub show (as I seem like to be the only commenter who hasn't watched) only to discover it's only the first Tuesday of the month!
Good lordy, easily confused indeed.
Here's a question. You are given a giant budget to create the reality tv show of your choice. What would it be?
Another question on reality tv. Have you seen Cheaters on channel 7? It's horrible but you can't look away.
a) I’m not sure I could beat the actual psychological torment of real-time reality show ‘Solitary’, Easily Confused. Apparently people are trapped in cells with no concept of time or the outside world and slowly but surely begin the process of complete mental collapse. Possibly the only way to improve on such an idea would be to cram the entire cast of inbred wannabes competing on Australia’s Got Talent into the aforementioned jail cubicles and watch them waste away to nothing with only their musical gumleaf or performing dog for company.
b) I have sadly sat through a few episodes of Cheaters, yes. Why do we do this to ourselves? Are our own lives not sordid enough?
d said...
Hello Ms Fits, BlogMistress.
Firstly - Hi. Short time reader, first time poster. I've only recently been made aware of your wordy and worldly self, due to someone linking to here on a forum I frequent, and describing you as a 'good sort', and have to echo his comments.
Secondly, after doing some back reading on the blog, I've noticed a lot of people using the term 'fuck buddy'. While I have no problem with the concept, I do think that the phrase might be seen as a little uncouth, especially when one finds oneself in the company of the upper echelons of modern day society. As such, I would like to proffer the term 'occasional furniture', as I think this is both fitting and respectful, and clearly outlines the terms of your relationship to the human in question.
Not wishing to break the sanctity of the established Friday Q&A ritual, I had best add queries of my own, which are thus:
Do you think some TV shows may follow the example set by Snakes On A Plane, and engage with their audience as to what they'd like to see happen? Do you think this process is good, and should be used more widely? Would you ever be willing to engage with your audience in this manner, for example, to discuss the finer points of the psyche of a character you had given birth to?
Pleased to make your e-acquaintance.
A pleasure to meet you also, Anonymous short time reader.
1. I very much enjoy the term ‘Ms Fits, BlogMistress’. May I have cards made up?
2. Are you certain about this ‘occasional furniture’ business? I understand your everso polite intention of stepping away from crassness, but the idea of equating some teacup of loveliness you tend to get naked with on the odd weekend with your la-z-boy Jason recliner seems a little left of centre. Could we not test out some other options? How does ‘sporadic sausage wallet’ suit?
(also: who are these ‘upper echelons of modern day society’ you’re rubbing shoulders with, then? Is it Santo Cilauro from Working Dog? Go on, you can tell us)
3. In a sense, the fine upstanding citizens behind Big Brother and Australian Idol have been following the whims of their audiences and tailoring their high-quality shows accordingly for some time. If you’re suggesting I open up future television drama development to the same viewers who think Daryl Somers doing a little hop down some stairs is somehow the most groundbreaking thing to grace television screens in all of seventy years, then you’re out of your mind. These people buy Ben Lee’s records, you know.
epon_anon said...
I have seen quite a few episodes of Cheaters on Foxtel & it has that certain car-crash quality, but not in a goodish way like Girls of the Playboy Mansion. More in the way of "ouch, why would you submit yourself to that"/"Gee that Joey Greco's a smarmy prick, hope one of the cheaters pulls a gun".
My question(s): Is Joey Greco the smarmiest guy on television? If not who is? (Alexander Downer doesn't count)
1. No.
2.
Anonymous said...
i don't have a question. i just wanted to say thank you for using the phrase "tea-bagging the sleeping Mormon" in your green guide article today. the idea of some of the age's more conservative readers rushing to find out what it means, and then recoiling in distaste, pleased me greatly.
I’m disproportionately tickled that someone noticed, Anon. I did wake up yesterday morning wondering if that particular bit had been spotted by an eagle-eyed sub and rightfully slashed for being gutter filth, but it seemed to squeeze through unscathed. I do live to educate the masses, you know.
Anonymous said...
Greetings Fits, how've you been? What's life like for you? Etc.
My question is short but has been plaguing my mind as of late.
Basically i've been with my galfriend for 4 months now & i love her. The question is do i tell her & risk freaking her out as it's only been 4 months?
I'm not the type to throw the word 'love' around loosely as i believe it's sacred. I was with my last galfriend for a little over 8 months & i never told her i loved her. For i didn't. I liked her alot & thought the world of her but it was never love.
How is it that i've only been with this gal for 4 months & i'm so in love with her i've surprised myself?
So i ask you & other readers of this blog who wish to answer my question:
Is it too early for me to tell her i love her after only 4 months?
Thank you.
I have been in excellent health and in great spirits, thank you for asking.
I don't think four months is too long if you're feeling so swept away with emotion, young man or lesbionic lady. Considering the dizzying emoting currently taking place in your belly you're best off to simply be out with it and to hell with the consequences.
Or in other words:
Anonymous said...
god i wish you were my boyfriend!
i say, if it feels right, do it. everyone likes knowing they're loved by someone else.
That's right, they do. Spill your guts and get back to us, El Suavo.
Anonymous said...
Can women in general have regular sex with someone and be devoid of any emotion or feelings towards said person?
I think guys can do the one off but not if it is regular.
Some can and some can't, Anon. In my humble experience ladies are less likely to go around banging people senseless with scant regard for emotional connections, but that's not to say there aren't any leather-clad harlot-types out there having a wild time of it. Similarly random gentlemen might not care for hollow encounters with doe-eyed morons. If I thought someone was a complete clod I'd be loath to allow them access to my knickers no matter how graceful their moustache, though I am clearly a sensitive soul at heart as my love of Townes Van Zandt would attest.
Anonymous said...
G'day superstar,
Yesterdays Age crossword. One of the clues was hideosities. 'Twas not listed in the MacQuarie Dictionary. Seeing as though you are a literary icon: PLEASE EXPLAIN (i.e. a definition please darl).
Verification baby: gypyfg. Represents two groups Hitler didn't like.
I'd say there's no doubt it's strongly based on hideosity, though that particular clue briefly flummoxed my friend Pat and I also. The Age are cheeky with their occasional neoligising aren't they?
Anonymous said...
Hello this is an online etiquette question I am hoping you can answer. If I read a great piece of writing, or see or hear a good performer I am inclined to send an email along the lines of 'bravo, well done, keep doing what you are doing.' I assume it would be nice to hear that, isn't it?
Sometimes the person will respond with a thank you - which I appreciate. Sometimes the person will not respond at all - which is fine. But sometimes the person will respond and you might get a little bit of to-ing and fro-ing and it gets to a point where I wonder if we are flirting - and then this worries me as I am happily married with young kids and don't want anyone to think that I am the pull.
Your thoughts?
I do the same thing Anon, though more often than not I am actually on the pull and hoping for a 'result' OF COURSE I JEST.
I suggest you drop a cheery 'my wife and children and I all wholesomely enjoy your journalism/songwriting/appearances on It Takes Two in our g-rated downtime' quite early on in the piece, which would make it quite clear to the possibly lonesome writer/troubadour/z-grade soap star that you are simply a fan of their work rather than a lusty sex fiend hoping to hitch your wagon to their booty train. Surely you can't blame the objects of your cerebral affection for responding warmly to a pat on the head from a faceless stranger - you're quite capable of setting your own boundaries in the interim I'd wager.
***********************
Look at that, we're done and it's barely gone four. I have racing around to do tonight and will no doubt be ending up in the front row of 6 Ft Hick's show at the Tote. My friend Nicko promised me he'd wear his underpants on the outside of his clothes 'so they'll be easier to throw onstage'. O to be in a band that inspired such unbridled passion.
Leave your questions for next Friday in the comments below and once again I KISS YOU.
200 days til the next election.
p.s. I am - for some unknown reason - appearing in this, and have been asked to plug accordingly:
'THE GOOD SHEPHERD’S CIRCUS PIE CLASSIC
A Rock’n’roll Cook Off for Charity… announcing the Final Line Up!
The countdown is on to Melbourne’s newest gala community event, The Good Shepherd’s Circus Pie Classic, set to take to the stage at the Corner Hotel on Sunday 29 April 2007.
This is how it works- we’ve conned 20 musos and radio heads to get into teams and “cook off” against each other, Iron Chef style. They’ll be assembling tasty dishes based on a secret ingredient, and judged on the culinary creativity and innovation whilst preserving the integrity of the food item… or (ahem), perhaps just producing something edible!
The chef roll call is Scott Owen & Andy Strachan from The Living End, Died Pretty’s Ron Peno, Ally Spazzy, Rebecca Barnard, Macromantics, Dan Kelly, Angie Hart, Lindsay MacDougall (Frenzal Rhomb), Candy Bowers (Sista She), Bob Log III, Link Meanie, Lisa Miller, PBS’s Kene Lightfoot, Paddy Donovan (The Age) and RRR’s Holly C, Mia Dyson, & Dallas Crane front man Dave Larkin.
And the judges are no light weights! Epicure’s John Lethlean, Mecca’s Cath Claringbold, & Andrew McConnell (Three One Two) will bravely sample the delicacies dished up by this Motley cooking crew. You’ll be kept well and truly on your toes with action updates from commentary panel Helen Razer (774), Clem Bastow (journo and all round tops chick), and Melbourne Food & Wine Festival’s creative director Matt Preston, plus behind the scenes catastrophe coverage picked up by our trusty ‘Food-cam’.
Providing the backing tracks for this clash of cuisines, live music from 6 Ft Hick, Little Red and Wayfaring Strangers, plus The Meanies put the icing on the cake to wrap it all up at the end with some very special guests.
Watching over proceedings are referees Jason ‘Evo’ Evans and Gabi (The Town Bikes). Ms Fat Booty will be dropping in to do something exquisite on wheels, as will Monkey Brigade (Sassy, wild Hip Hop dance outfit), plus rock toones from Joelistics (TZU) and DJ Mary M, as well as formidable judging theme music from BlackMamaWhitePapa (Crazy Baldheads).
It’s a party, it’s a circus, and it’s all for the kids. Our extensive cast are doing it for nicks, and you can do your bit too! Buying a ticket and having a Fosters bevvie contributes to helping our friends at Good Shepherd Youth and Family Service, a highly respected grassroots community service organisation serving the needs of Melbourne’s young people, women and families living under the burden of poverty and disadvantage.
So get it on! Sunday 29th April at The Corner Hotel, doors 4pm.
Tickets $15 + BF and available at the Corner Box Office, phone 3 9427 9198 or www.cornerhotel.com'
Comments
Q:
Did you one day hope to be more than you are now?
Your grand-dad was a hard act to follow. Were you attracted to becoming a pop-culture commentator just because it's easier to be seen to be obviously rejecting something than to be seen attempting to live up to an expectation, and fail?
John Lethlean will be putting your hot stuff in his mouth.
That is all.
Last week epon_anon said
I have seen quite a few episodes of Cheaters on Foxtel & it has that certain car-crash quality ... "Gee that Joey Greco's a smarmy prick, hope one of the cheaters pulls a gun".
Didn't he get knifed by an aggro punter one time?
What 19th century literature would you recommend reading?
And if you don't like a so-called classic, is it OK to admit or is it always your (impersonal pronoun here, not second person singular) own stupidity that leads you to think this way.
My childhood/high-school best friend is having a party soon. I am the only one from school that she kept in contact with. At the last party of hers I went to, the entire guest list, apart from me, was made up of pentecostal Christians. I think the night can be summed up with this dialogue:
Christian girl trying to initiate small talk with me: So, what church do you go to?
Me: Uh... actually, I'm a Buddhist.
Her: Oh...... so how's that working out for you?
This party was a few years ago. Since then she has somehow joined the Young Liberals, and this time the entire guest list will be made up of pentecostal Christians AND Young Liberals.
Despite being appalled at my friend's choices over the years, I still love and respect her. I'm also a bit of a weak populist, so I really wouldn't want to cause a stir by arguing with all of her friends.
QUESTION: What are your survival tips for the night?
Joey Greco got knifed and I missed it?!? *gnashes teeth*
Hmmm, Crawf the smarmiest man on TV, not sure that I totally agree (maybe if we were voting on un-sharpest tool in the shed, from what former school chums have said). He has been studying at the Steven Seagal school of facial expressions though.
p.s. sorry for the unintentional double post, having trouble working out which week I am not in.
No question from me this week Ms Fits. Thanks for your well wishings.
Just found this to share with the class. Joey Greco getting stabbed!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NITG3uHwtWo
I feel bad finding it amusing that he was hurt, but holy fuck it's funny.
d said:
Do you think some TV shows may follow the example set by Snakes On A Plane, and engage with their audience as to what they'd like to see happen?
now, i havent seen snakes on a plane, so i dont know if this will make any sense, but i have a response to the 'what the audience would like to happen' part.
years ago when i was a littlun here was a show called 'let the blood run free' which was ace. at the end of each episode you got to choose between 2 options of what the next show would be about.
television should be more like that
veri-baby: nsswipnf, some sort of elf
Dear Ms Fits,
Thanks for your most witty & entertaining writings.
My question relates to manners, in a way...
I was walking home the other day, minding my own business, when I passed a man who stared at my, er, decolletage, in a very overt manner. This happens from time to time, and drives me up the wall, (although my responding glare didn't work very well in this case, as I was wearing sunglasses at the time).
I'm not talking about a subtle check-out as you go by (which is all fine & dandy, & something that I'm sure most of us do from time to time). This was a dull stare, and made me feel quite yuck. Not to mention cross.
How should a girl respond, (if at all), to this type of behaviour?
Dear Ms Fits,
My question relates (in a roundabout way) to Anon's above post about manners. I was recently given the following piece of advice that went along the lines of 'To appear friendlier and more approachable, smile at complete strangers'.
Now whilst it’s probably a good idea to do this more often, is it possible to even smile at any one these days outside of your circle of friends without appearing either creepy or worse still lecherous?
Oh and it wasn't me staring either above Anon. I swear it!
Hi Ms Fits
Your Weekly Answerings make entertaining reading, and I've been checking in every week for quite some time. The chatty, familiar style (of both questions and responses) makes me homesick for Aussies, because there aren't a lot of them where I live now - which brings me to my question. Not much of a one, but it all adds to the conversational melange.
I'm in Munich (Germany), and as such possibly the geographically most distant reader of Ms Fits' Friday Q&A. Do you know of anyone reading who is further away from Melbourne than I am? or does any such person care to announce themselves?
And while I'm at it I'd like to say hi to Peter C in Brisbane if he's reading. I showed him this blog a little while back, he liked it, and I quote verbatim from his reply: "she is the girl from book club *sigh*."
ciao, allen
Greetings Ms Fits,
The extent of political name-calling debate last week seemed even more than usual.
As a pretty left-wing kind of guy, rather than denouncing the personal hygiene and sexual deviancy of all who dare to disagree with my personal political agenda…I wonder would we not make more progress as a nation if we focussed on common goals rather than our differences? So much time and money is wasted in conflict first, and collaboration second.
My question is this: Is this a question ?
Kind regards
Dr Tom
Which lanky half of Flight of the Chonchords? I don't blame you really as the way those kiwis say sexy really gets me hot under the collar. Mmmm... sixy.
Also, what do you reckon of Joelistics from TZU?
He's another guy who has a way with words.
How would you explain your... keenness for a particular fabric- say, SPANDEX!- to your partner?
Excruciatingly frank, open and embarrassing conversation?
Purchase Xanadu (0N-J in SPANDEX!) and loop it until the penny drops?
Drug her, then dress and ravage her deliciously ensausaged pink body?
I'm thinking to tell her when I'm blatantly loaded. Furious denial later if reqd.
Thoughts? Prudent advice?
Tonight I had the awful experience of a nice lil' relationship ending, it wasn't long (only three months) but I feel quite sad about it... Mainly because he implied that it's unlikely that we'll stay friends. It really translates to "I don't want to be friends", I suppose.
What do I do again in this situation? Drink lots of gin? It seems I've really forgotten how to mend myself even from a short-lived relationship.
Anyway, I also suggest that we buy plane tickets to New York to stalk the precious conchords (oh, i spoke to you about them over duck at DDC). In?
Hello Ms Fits, loving the blogs of late. Give my regards to Gabii & co.
How to ask this question? Seeing as tho it's so embaressing. Here goes.
I've been with my girlfriend a few months now & i really like her. vice versa. I don't think i satisfy her sexually though. I have a small penis & no, i don't know how to use it seeing as though i've only had sex a few times before i was with her. Yet she stays with me. Why is this?
In saying all of this, she's not overweight or ugly. She's very attractive & whenever we go out she manages to turn heads of pretty much every gentlemen we encounter. So she's not desperate.
I guess the question i'm trying to ask is why is she with me? I suck at sex & know for a fact i don't please her sexually. She doesn't seem to mind though & this is getting to me.
I'm wondering if you've ever had a boyfriend like this who sucked in bed/had a little dick, yet you stayed with him. If so, what were the reasons?
How embaressing. I apologise.
Thanks in advance
Nice picture of the Pony punters, Phits. I didn't realise George Romero was shooting in Melbourne, but I'll be sure to see Gurn Of The Dead when it hits the cinemas. I bet it's the absinthe that reanimates their shambling corpses.
Which segues nicely...when I saw Land Of The Dead, I was the only person in the cinema (Hoyts @ Forest Hill: awesome for a crowd-free night). Ever been the only person in a particular movie? It's quite surreal. I had a compulsion to remove my 'keks' and watch the film nekked, which I thankfully resisted. Not five minutes later the usher came in to check I wasn't freebasing popcorn dust.
Oh, and thenewjuice? I struggled with Romantic Lit at first (primarily the pacing). These days Bronte would have, say, Robert McKee as an editor. Heathcliff would whack Linton in the first paragraph and shag Cathy on page 4...You can certainly not like the classics, but carry a sharp argument why around bookish types.
I think Flaubert's Madame Bovary is teh shizz, but why not start with some poetry? Keats, Blake, that ol' scoundrel Byron - they're all lovely, and Shelley's Ozymandias is fifty kinds of perfect.
To the slut who doesn't want cunts looking at her knockers. Stop dressing like a whore. And remember what the mufti says you cunt. Is it the cat's fault or the uncovered meat?
To the cunt who has a small cock. What an emasculated, pathetic half breed fucking classic example of a single mum raised arsehole you are. Your soon to be ex will leave you eventually if you have the weak mind you displayed for the world to see on this blog. Small dick cocksucker, take a leaf out of those emo chicks and the suicide pact I say. You are too far gone.
To the bitch who is depressed coz her ex doesn't want to be 'friends' with her. If every one was friends with their ex every new man you meet would have to put up with a litany of men calling around who had their dick in you. That is not ideal. Deal with it, your utility has been expended. If you want a friend get a dog.
To the lovely first post about Hardy wanting to be more than she is, well my question is if Hardy is ever gonna have kids, she's nigh on 31, soon her fertility will be bled dry, but feminists don't need kids right? But then she was so happy to become an Aunty recently, conflict conflict.
My real question is, and this is the only bit expect to see in italics, sine I am ALLLOWED to respond to those other posts is this:
Do you see how obvious it is that a man like Rudd would be a raving weak minded delusional churchie after his old man karked it when Rudd was a kid? I don't want some pencil neck poin dexter cunt who gets out bed in the morning only for a front row ticket to the next life running my fucking beloved ashtraylia. Never. I don't want to vote Liberal, I don't want to vote for the Greens as well because I am a climate change solar revisionist who knows we know jack fuck about the sun and I am total fatalist too. Can I fake my death and get removed from the electoral roll, and how much is the fine anyway, I have no problem voting for a poojabber like Bob Downe but I cannot stand the hysteria around climate change, this Nanny State can take my crushed non energy efficient lightbulb in the fucking eye socket because India and China are going to buy 600 million dishwashers in the next two decades as their middle class emerges and a cuntry with 20 million out of 6500 million people worldwide doesn't make a lick of difference, and don't give me this developed country bullshit, in a century even Africa will be developed, or dead of AIDS either way hands off my light bulbs.
Ashtraylia at 20 million out of 6500 million is like the 20 dollar bank fee on a bank account with six and a half grand in it, you just don't give a fuck.
Bird flu could have wiped our continent out two years ago and all the world would miss is Steve Irwin. I hate this blog lately.
I like your smooth skin though Hardy. Mmm Mmm.
With apologies to Joel & Ethan Coen:
Who's the fucking fatalist around here, you fucking crybaby?
Learn to spell. And I would like my undies back.
Munchkin... was that you?
Wow. That was a long post.
Brian visits your skull too? Is he the one with the bushy red beard? I have a Brain who haunts my skull. But he doesn't sing Regurgitator. He doesn't sing much at all. He just babbles incessantly.
hello hello.
So last year I spent a fair amount of time living with a boyfriend overseas. While there i made friends with his extended circle, one of whom was a fantastic old songwriter. We hit it off and have since kept correspondence. Over time our correspondence became rather flirty despite the fact there was never any romantic undertones while I was there- let me just add that he is a good 45 years older than me. Anyhow im now faced with the fact that I will be seeing him again very soon. As much as I’m looking forward to seeing him im a little anxious about what the relationship expectations will be. What should I do? Was I wrong to encourage this flirtatious correspondence with a man I have no romantic interest with?? But he does have a knowledge and appreciation for Townes that makes be weak at the knees....
45 years older than you. You filthy fucking cunt. Has he got money? surely you got wash his cock and take a payout or something. By the sounds of you i'm sure you have got some regrets already. Cunt.
"To the lovely first post about Hardy wanting to be more than she is, well my question is if Hardy is ever gonna have kids, she's nigh on 31, soon her fertility will be bled dry, but feminists don't need kids right? But then she was so happy to become an Aunty recently, conflict conflict."
That's true - how can she reconcile her whole 'the world is so fucked, people are fucking up the world' notions with actually having a kid?
Poor woman at war with her biological instincts. She should rip out her uterus now and turn it into art before the temptation to reproduce gets too much for her.
I read her latest column in the TV guide - very intellectual, talking about the Big Brother contestants. To answer the first commenter, I'm sure, as her ideology was shaped in her formative years by reading Bob Ellis, that she DREAMED of making such a contribution to society.
As for smooth skin: I've seen her in person, and it (the skin) is not the same as it is on TV.
G'day Fits,
Do single mother's cause small penises? That explains my problem...
Anyway, my question is re writing screenplays etc. I have a number of ideas come to me from time to time that would (IMO) make very good movies, short films, short stories etc. but then struggle to bring those ideas to fruition as a finished product. How do you go about expanding on ideas you have for such?
Can you also confirm that you are not actually your grandfather as some would appear to think.
No one said single mothers caused small cocks you stupid cunt, they said it caused pathetic cocksuckers who have zero confidence in anything and if homeostasis wasn't automatic they'd be too neurotic to even breathe, like the cocksucker who came on here and complained about his cock and the other men that gawk at his allegedly 'hot' girlfriend.
And as for your fucking screenplay why don't you just fuck off you are never going to be anything you stupid whore. I'm about as ok as your face.
ANd "Poor woman at war with her biological instincts. She should rip out her uterus now and turn it into art before the temptation to reproduce gets too much for her." Fuck amen to that, what cunt isn't at war with her instincts? It's called pretending to be a man for the only years that you are hot, and then ending up like Brooke Shields.
And as for Hardy's skin not being smooth, and you seeing it (the skin) up close, my question is 'how close?' Either way I'd love to lick her arm. Some chicks' arms taste like chlorine pools even when they haven't been swimming in the last few hours, I think it is the pill toxifying every cell in their body.
Funniest thing about breast cancer awareness week is you get these women, holding up pink ribbons, yet they have been waking up daily and inducing toxic hormone manipulation and amenorrhea for the sake of continuing their fake man heyday, pills no female homo sapiens lived with in their systems over millions of years of evolution, and they are standing there with their pink ribbons, and their faces are troweled with caked on cosmetics, that they won't allow to be tested on animals, and they wonder where breast cancer comes from.
I got off topic but I don't give a fuck about your time. All I wanna do is lick Hardy's arm. Her right arm or her left i'll take what I can get. Even if it does smell like an aquatic centre i'd jump at the chance my word.
I can't believe you've seen her arm in person. You're a fuckhead I am so jealous. I would be completely satisfied if she kept me at arm's length cause that's as close as I ever want to get. Cause I'm an arm man. And that's upper arm, and the outside bit, I like them a little bit flabby not like that fucking slut swimmer bitch who posed nude like a whore and is on that what's good for you show, she's is the ugliest most chlorinated plain jane fuck I have ever seen. What a slut. At the end of the day, so is Princess Mary. Did you know the pub where she med Prince Frederick was called the "Slip Inn"? this is true. There has been a campaign by danish intelligence to prevent the aforethought with which she went to the pub that night hoping to snare some royal cock which she knew was going to be there that night. Also to danish intelligence keeps removing the truth about all her ex boyfriends from her wikipedia page. "Slip Inn" slip this bitch, this is where slip comes from, slip and slide all the fucking way to some Tasmanian pussy the owner of which can slip into a nice royal lifetime of never having to be a fake man again. Happy ending. I don't even want anything to do with Princess Mary's arms I think she's a rotten slut who epitomizes the fucking truth about you feminist fucks, as soon as prince charming comes along, you'll ditch that alarm clock in a flash if all it means is that you'll have to wash some royal cock. Same with that fucking slut swimsuit model ego trip sarah murdoch that filled in for fake man with the short hair on today show. What kind of a CUNT starts a new 300 grand contract and then leaves her boss in a lurch and gets knocked up a few months later. So fucking disrespectful. Especially at a time when sunrise is attacking nine in the ratings. This is why I will never hire a woman of fertile age. Never. They just up and leave. They think it's a right. It's an inconvenience and a slight on whoever was counting on you to do a job. Fuck Allison Langdon too, I heard alot about her last time I was in Sydney. Oooh me oh my what a well spread vegemite that little 27 year old superstar is. My god. Eat my sesame seed laiden post quarter pounder shit Allison if you read this. I don't need you. Take your virgin mastercard and fuck off back to driven feminist depression land. I dont want your arm either. Only Hardy's. Only Hardy's mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm no
Man at Arms
Who sniffs arms? Are you a queer? A LGBT community spokesperson?
Sure arms are good and well, but what about silky smooth cervixes covered in dripping mucous? Surely you are more drawn toward them. And away from them. And toward them. And away from them. And toward them. And away from them. And toward them. And away from them. And further away from them, yet still near them, and across the region they are housed in, yet externally traveling upward across the line of the torso, and then reaching the face of said cerivix's owner, then climaxing on said face. Then waiting a while. Then towards them. Then away from them. Then towards them then away from them. The towards a cigarette and a lighter. Then towards a shower. Then towards your car keys. Then towards a mute button on your mobile. Then towards another cervix.
Sheesh have you no respect 'towards' women?
If she ripped out her uterus she has to give it to Gunther Von Hagens the scary as fuck german anatomist from Autopsy life and death on sbs to dissect. Or she could mail it to dick cheney. And what kind of 'art' are you suggesting she makes out of her uterus anywho? One of those bag things that hangs at the front of kilts? Or some kind of bladder for a sherrin? Or she could eat it and shit it out onto her bed sheets and make the bed art, or has that been done? Im not trying to be funny i dont find it funny, but I think it will be funny that when she sees all these comments this week has taken a decidedly dark anal retentive turn not that that is necessarily bad once in a while the candy arsed crap that gets asked on her most weeks
Your writing is kind of embarrassing, fella. Over-extending yourself I guess. Hurts to watch a little bit.
Lordy, this week it's all gone feral :-(
It's feral -
but it raises some important issues.
For your wisdom, I thank you. *low animated bow*
Jesus, I think this nobody was on my tram earlier.
Do you sweat a lot, and spit when you shout?
Is it just me, or is this blog beginning to assume the overwhelming air of the Algonquin Hotel in the 1930s? Not that Dorothy Parker ever actually uttered the phrase, "To the slut who doesn't want cunts looking at her knockers. Stop dressing like a whore", but I'm sure she would have had she thought of it. It all reminds me of my PhD thesis, "Impact of Feminist Whores on Pathetic Cocksuckers In Contemporary Australia". Scholarly yet muscular, was the general consensus in academia.
I actually auditioned for Australia's Got Talent. This, I imagine, means I have not got quite enought talent to be an inbred wannabe. I suspected as much.
"Anonymous: No, it means you're a useless stupid fucking cunt". Touche, sir.
I write way too much in these comments...hey, the lovely Ms Razer! I should have popped along to that. But my little boy was sick and then I had to go work. Also, I didn't know about it until after it was over. Ah well, I'm sure everyone did all right without me.
Am I the only one who got sick long ago of people on TV and in movies saying, "Let me get this straight?" Also, using, "I'm right here!" as a punchline. Fair gets on my wick.
Ohhhh..... geeeeeeee......... THAT reminds me......of.....my PhD thesis.......ohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh..........YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKER YOU ARE A COMPLETE MOTHERLESS CUNT RAG AND I HOPE YOU ROT FROM THE BRAIN STEM OUT.
I think that was the general consensus in academia.....
THIS BLOG IS PATROLLED BY LEFT WING ACADEMIC ELITIST FUCKWITS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVER RECOMMENDED THIS BLOG TO ANYONE. I GUESS I WAS STARSTRUCK BY HARDY'S BEING HOT (FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS MAX BTW) AND FORGOT TO REMEMBER THAT SHE'S GOT NOTHING, NOTHING I REPEAT NOTHING TO SAY BUT FOOLISH 'I'M 30 BUT HOW COOL IS DEGRASSI' DRIVEL AND THE LIKE. EVERY CUNT SCRAPE ON THIS BLOG CAN DIE.
Seriously, its just a bunch of absolute cocksuckers...
What do I do at my friend's christian party? I still respeeeeccct them.
My dick is smalll.
My boyfriend left me and doesn't want to be friends
Should I look people in the eye when I walk down the street?
Look at Tony Greco getting stabbed.
YOU'RE ALLLLL FUCK HEADS.
ABSOLUTE FUCKHEADS.
WE'RE all fuckheads you say...?
then why do you keep coming back here and posting random abusive shit?
it was funny the first 300 times, now it's just pathetic.
No, it's still funny.
fitstabulous,
I have no question, I just want to interject a bit of nice at this juncture.
hello.
xx
But I came to ask a simple question and was diverted by the inane and insane vitriol of some demonic fucktard and now I'm running late. With specific reference to Ben Cousins, are all men who wear hats wankers? Except old people.
I think im in lust with Anna Coren, how wrong is this?
Would it be best to ignore you know whom from now on? Sir, please visit this website or perhaps this one.
On an unrelated matter is the use of the word "whom" now archaic?
re the 1.20 comment in caps from the delightfully charming mr anon.. i've got this mental image of him having an apoplectic fit, red faced and spitting, screaming at the computer as he types (probably wearing a nappy). was going to say he should get out more, but scratch that, no-one wants to run into him in the real world.
(where's harpo? he was a regular at the algonquin club).
You have to wonder if the lengthy comment nasty troll person is just someone pullin' our collective legs.
Or Peter Garrett who having lost his mind pops over here to vent to allow himself to appear sane in public.
Deadlines galore, and here I am reading blogs and procrastinating.
Love from an easily confused fuckhead.
xx
Ciao bella,
From your experience with polichicks do you know what it costs and/or what the process is for copyrighting slogans/logos on clothing?
And now everyone's asleep: should Big Brother be still regarded as reality tv seeing as though everyone I see on the ads appears to be a twenty something with most desirable bodies appropriate to their gender?
Keep up the good work, don't let the man get you down (and so forth).
i sincerely hope that mr apoplexy is pulling the collective RYWHM leg. if he's for real he's a nasty fucker. and if it was him that was demanding you update your gig guide, he seems to want to know where you'll be. am i the only one that finds him deeply disturbing? i mean it's all well and good to mock him .. but i don't know. i get a bad, bad feeling when i read his vitriolic spasms.
take care fitsy.
xx
So, someone at The Age is doing an article on hangover cures. What makes them consider you to be the first in their list of ten "experts"? From the little I know of the journalistic profession, surely there would be dozens of hacks at The Age with a far more extensive knowledge of hangovers than you...
anonymous: "YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKER YOU ARE A COMPLETE MOTHERLESS CUNT RAG AND I HOPE YOU ROT FROM THE BRAIN STEM OUT."
Wow, I guess he told me. Excuse me a moment while I sobbingly gather up the shredded morsels of my self-esteem.
By the way, anonymous, I guess it was probably you who commented so charmingly in my blog? Your literary criticism is noted and appreciated. "Fuckhead", indeed! Well played, sir!
", he seems to want to know where you'll be. am i the only one that finds him deeply disturbing? i mean it's all well and good to mock him ."
Maybe it's a female. Where is your proof it is a male. You are sexist.
Two questions:
1. What did you cook in the The Good Shepherd's cook off, and how did it go down ?
2. What do you think of the new Labor party song "A Change in the Weather". You can enjoy the musical stylings here or for a deeper analysis, find the lyrics here. It's not quite the Internationale, or even It's Time, is it ?
By the way, for anybody who has nothing better to do this Saturday night, I believe that you'll be able to see me appearing on RockWiz as a contestant this week, and hopefully not making too big a fool of myself.
fits. spunk rat.
would you please share with us your impressions of tj from big brother?
is she crazy or does she play crazy?
cheers.
It seems that Keith the Moravian Swearing Bear has joined the RYWHM community. Welcome, Keith, but a point of etiquette - when you asked:
why the fuck is your gig guide on the right of your blog like fucking two months old plus?
fuckin update it!
surely that should have been "fuckin update it, please
epon_anon said:
"Maybe it's a female. Where is your proof it is a male. You are sexist."
i think it was the "because i'm an arm man" that convinced me.
but hey, maybe you're right. maybe i am sexist. i'm honest enough to admit i didn't really ever think it was a woman, even before i read the above. and yes i know (which is why i acknowledged it in my earlier comment) that it may not be the same writer. based on style, i made that assumption.
i doubt any of the (possibly multiple) abusive commenters want to step forward and claim their comments so that this can be cleared up though.
i'm sorry ms fits. i didn't mean to give this any more attention. all i have left to say is that i think you're ace, and i hope this isn't getting you down.
a) I am 17 years old and trying to decide whether to read Slaughterhouse 5. Would you recommend getting into it or waiting until I have more worldly experience, etc.? I don't want to stuff up the first time if it is as good as you say.
b) Would you marry a dwarf?
What do you think of Helen Razer's reviews? Whatever happened between her and Judith Lucy, did it end badly?
Oh dear, looks like I've lost my unique non-identity (& sense of self) to the commenter at 8:25. Maybe I can be ubiq_anon instead, though it isn't really as alliterative as I would like.
Q) If I get a new anon identity would righton_anon imply a political persuasion I don't necessarily incline towards? How about rhymeon_anon? Do I even need a stable non-identity?
Hello, I am interested to know how you got started writing for the Green Guide. Did you send in some spec columns or did they contact you? I love reading your column, keep doing what you're doing. x
Is there any truth to the rumour that you have been asked to be in the pilot for Mick Molloy's new political panel show?
Chère La Fits (if I may),
Another long time listener, first time caller here with not questions, really, but comments. Thought I'd try to veer off the rather Rabelaisian tangent that this week has taken and offer you my internet commenting hymen in doing so.
If one of my friends had recommended books as good as the Bandini quartet to me I'd thank them profusely, so it's only fair that I do the same to you. So, thankyou. I finished it months ago and still feel as if I owe you. As I'm too far away to buy you a drink in person, I'd like to instead suggest a book. Have you come across Leonora Carrington's The Hearing Trumpet? It has its flaws, but I'm a rare laugh-out-loud reader and it's done it for me several times in public places.
On a lower brow, are you aware of the now obsolete insult 'cum-twang'? It's a humdinger and in the OED, albeit with quite an unsatisfying definition. And if you've not seen Faith the Dog, you really should: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-A0WRDPQHc - I always like thinking of a God who flies over Darfur and yet chooses to continue on to the states to succour a bipedal dog.
Looks as though I veered back towards the Rabelaisian after all. Thanks again, keep up the good work and hope to hold you to ransom with a drink next time I'm in M-town.
O.S.
PS - Word verification - zxgzwali. Perhaps, ahem, what one could do in the toilets of Control HQ at 4am on a Saturday night?
Ms Fits
I saw you on telly on tuesday and was very enamoured with your boots. I one day hope to own a similar pair but I can't decide on brown or black. Indecision is by far my biggest failing and I must thus turn to others to make all life altering decisions for me. Thus as a brown boot owner would you recommend brown or do you wish you had black?
The whole decision is made all the harder as which ever colour I chose I already have boots in it. Should already having both brown and black boots alter my decision?
I wait impatiently for your sage advice.
Dear Fitsy Doctor,
My girlfriend would like to get married and have sextuplets. I've been thinking fairly deeply about this for a while, and have been coming to the conclusion that it's a good idea. She's the loveliest person I've ever met, pretty, sexy, smart...ish, and has less than her fair share of bad points.
Oh but there are times when my eye does wander. But as I size up the object of my fleeting lust and think "what if", I've generally realised that the phantasm before me is vastly inferior to my girlfriend in an all-round kinda way. This suggests to me that I really do have the best there is, and that there isn't some vast untapped reservoir of girls out there who are everything my girlfriend is, and also isn't. (Perhaps that's shallow but it's honest. I may have got lost and wandered into the confessional section.)
Before I say this next thing I'd like to point out that your feet smell and you snore. (No I haven't met you, but I can tell.)
When I discovered your blog, I was put out. I'm not quite naive enough to go all gooey eyed over a movie, er, blog star, but damn you for being funny, smart, fun, pretty, unconventional and basically threatening my carefully crafted world view. And if you exist, there must be others of your species out there as well.
Now I know my image of you is based on knowing only a few things about you and filling in the rest with idealisations. And I'd rather like to get back to my comfortable little world view, thankyou very much. It wasn't much, but it was mine.
So anyway, here's my question. You've now written a lot under the banner "Reasons I will hate you", but not yet got to the point. What are your most annoying, anti-social, dis-likable, dumpable qualities? If you could share some unflattering drunken Who-Weekly style paparazzi pimply fat roll photos that would be great also.
Ah, I hadn't read the other questions when I posted mine. I'd say a couple of commentators have affected the mood of the room and we're not all feeling quite so sharing and caring now, so I don't really expect an answer to my question in the presence of crazy deranged people.
Fitsy, time for a rethink on deleting posts. When a ranting crazy walks into a funky bar and scares the relaxed and stylish, the manager kicks out the deranged fruitcake before the punters get up and leave.
Fitsy, this is your moment. You're behind the bar, your fingers closing around your handy bartender's shotgun. The deranged are streaming through the door (picture Shawn of the Dead). The punters are gathering up their bags.
You know what you gotta do girl.
I kinda agree with "think i've got something in my face now". All the nastiness is ruining it for everyone.
I don't want it to be all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, but your lovely blog is being hijacked by very angry (or even genuinely deranged) people. I'm just getting sick of seeing the predictable back and forward between lonely misogynists and (some of) your loyal readers who love the opportunity to bait said nutcase in order to showcase superior knowledge of grammar and syntax. Not that I blame them, really.
Maybe its time to impose a "vilification" rule for comments. If a comment is both insane (eg unhealthy fixations with “purity”, frequent use of “slut” as a synonym for “woman” etc) and off topic, neither you nor your readers should respond.
They’ll get bored and move on, eventually. (Hopefully)
Just an idea.
What do you think?
Not strictly a question, but I believe the obnoxious anonymous commenter is nothing more than a rhesus monkey, throwing his turds around.
This would be quite harmless in the right enclosure, but, in this environment, who cleans up the mess?
Another possibility is that this commenter is a spam program designed to replicate the opinions of Bill Heffernan. The Tories are computer-savvy these days, you know.
Thanks for the tips for the ex Fitsy.
Pleased with the volume Confessions so far? Any that really amused/gripped your heart firmly and gently squeezed/shocked you?
Dear Madame Bloggod,
Thank you for shining your rays of personality my way previously, my inner attention seeker was most pleased and warmed.
i) Please do have cards made up that say Ms Fits, Blogmistress. I believe creating business card titles may well be one of my, to channel David O'Doherty, very mild superpowers. Be sure to scan one and show us all when you have done this.
ii) I have reflected upon your thoughts on 'Occasional Furniture', and I think I may have discovered a problem that has plagued us Generation near-end-of-alphabetters. Equating a fuckbuddy as a teacup of loveliness may well be investing too much emotion in them already, thus leading to the possiblity of our emotions putting Donnie Darko styled invisible hooks in to the person. If we already think that someone is an Earl Grey of desire, perhaps attempting to sleep with them without attachment is only going to end poorly?
Or is it all just about perception? Are there levels to the fuckbuddy relationship that we need to devise a naming scheme for, somewhere on a spectrum between 'sporadic sausage wallet' and 'i would count the grains of sand in the sahara for you just to give this a go'?
iii) I don't really rub shoulders with the jewellery rattlers, but I'm sure your spunky self and many of your readers do from time to time, and would love to permeate some slang through the elites. Having you pick up and run with my adjectival utterances would be quite the ego kick, and quite possibly help balance out the dire situation my work holds for me currently.
(I've not meant Santo, but I seem to swing between thinking he'd be great company over a dinner to thinking I'd want to escape as fast as possible from any possible situation I'd cross him in. And on Working Dog, have they lost any edge they used to have? Do they just pander to the conservative masses nowadays with lightweight variety? Are Chaser the only troupe who are 'keeping it real' nowadays? )
iv) Perhaps you're right re Daryl Somers. Though I'm not so sure about BB, given this series seems to have the same bogan flavour to it as usual. A friend of mine keeps telling me the show would be more watchable if all the housemates were recovering addicts going cold turkey.
v) Speaking of Aussie drama, when are you going to save us all and bring it back to FTA with something wonderful again? Admit it though, your blog would make for wonderful character/situation fodder.
And now a quick note to some of the other excellent Blogeoisie:
lfg - Let the Blood Run Free was indeed most excellent, but sadly the closest we get now is watching Rockwiz, and hoping that some blood starts spurting from someone's eye socket or other equally terrifying body part (especially the occasions you have the ultra-smug audience member whose music smugness is smuggier than the treasurer at a Sydney Smugness Symposium - no offence Sydney, but you start with S, and I have my illiteration pants on today) Modern TV can be just so passe.
Dr Tom F Dork - hear hear
C.Squid - rest easy, as having the love for Anna is not a bad thing. She is a very attractive lady, and her voice could drive anybody to distraction. It isn't our fault she has chosen to so publicly belittle herself on television every night, and besides, isn't loving someone for all their faults what love is all about?
I just wish I could tell Karen Tso how I feel about her, and her wonderful analysis of all things business. My heart has pined for many years (and for many more to come I'm sure).
I opened a magazine the other day and there you were, telling of your younger days with The Sharp. The Sharp!
Did you ever see them again? Do you know whatever happened to them? The last I could find of them was this horrifying appearance before that Wilkins character. Were they like that when you knew them?
I did like that song, though. And the D-Gen "skivvies are back" pisstake. That was gold.
here's my question: where's the lavish praise for my use of the term "ginger minge" earlier this week? Huh? Huh?
And also – well hell, in my line of work I've come to expect a certainly level of criticism and it def gets a little personal some times. But how do you handle it Fitzy? All the anon posters who just come in for a sledge – I don't think I could cope with a lot of it, so how do you do it?
Lordy, gorgeous... 67 comments already. (hehe - with mine, there will be 68 comments for Q&A 68 - spooky or what? It won't last cos there's always someone who wants 69...)
Anyways, we were in Canberra last weekend and it was shit. I lived there for 25 years and, although there were times I wanted out (and eventually got out), I don't recall ever feeling the disgust that I felt last weekend. Oh, except for walking through Belconnen Mall 6 months after returning from o/s and being surrounded by pink tracksuits and prams. *shudder* Now it's all glass and smooth surfaces - yuk.
I digress a little... as I was "there" I could not be "here", which meant I couldn't go to the Circus Pie Classic, so questions abound:
1. What did you cook?
2. Was Lord Peno as wonderful as always?
3. What was the most interesting dish of the night?
4. Was it Gabibabby/BobLogette's first official outing and, if so, how did s/he cope?
5. Did anyone set The Corner on fire?
Hello.
It's no better up here.
This is my new blog.
http://thebookgrocer.blogspot.com/
See you soon
xo
Hello there Fits
I read with jealousy you claims of writing all day and eating all night.
So my question is this: would you mind at all giving me a list of what you are currently working on? Just for fun and further jealousy.
Thanks Fits.
Emma
Hey Allen in Munich.
Sorry to steal your thunder but I'm living in Berlin, which I believe is a little more geographically distant. Don't get too depressed, I'm sure some Sharon Stockholm, Ollie Oslo or Rachel Reykjavik will put their hand up to claim the crown.
S aus Berlin
One day in the hideously near future Ms, you shall realise that simply hanging out with famous people and rubbing furiously against their coats will not help you in any way. Sorry, what I meant to say was that having other people hanging out with you and rubbing furiously against your coat will not help you in any way. Fuck, it's so hard to keep up with who's coat is the currentest that I may have lost track of my thread.
Oh well, random characters shall verify my words.
Comments are closed.