Friday q and a #73.
So I woke up this morning to Bob Ellis (canine) vomiting copiously in the hallway. With any luck the day's going to continue along a similar theme and I'll end up being beaten across the head with a blunt object and physically assaulted during the walk home tonight. Something to look forward to, wouldn't you say?
All I want to do at the moment is read in the bath. That and answer questions. It must be the wintry weather, or my meandering state of mind...
Waldorf said...
Righto, so I was asking q's at this trivia night last Friday and I TOTALLY forgot to do my planned shout out to Rudd at the end "Don’t Fuck It Up!". By the time the last dude - lets call him "Twitcher" - got up to ask his q's, I remembered my sign off and told him that he had to say it... but he didn't! Cunt. My other regret is that I didn’t entertain the crowd by pointing out look-alikes (there was a retarded Tony Martin, a bitter Dame Judi Dench, and I was going to get Bob Sessions to stand up at say he looked like Amanda Vanstone). I blame Sudafed and red wine for not being so sharp.
Do you like trivia? If so, do you have any regular trivia-night pub haunts?
PS - Slapper Princess stinks and Statler sucks the nuts. Bounce.
Your writing is growing more and more entertaining by the week, Waldorf. I do hope this is reflected in your debut novel.
I certainly don't have an aversion to trivia nights, and have attended a couple run with school marmly pop culture geniusness by Jessfamer and co*. Obviously being a sheltered inner-city coolsie type I stick close to home and quizly evenings arranged by dear friends, so tend to hover near the EBC if I'm prodded into action. That said, asked anything about mathematics or science and I tend to turn very shy and stare dumbly into my gin, so I wouldn't go jonesing for me to join your wittily-named team or anything.
* Note: running trivia nights at the East Brunswick Club can and will get you a highbrow job as an online producer at the ABC. Dare to dream. kids.
sublime-ation said...
I would love to see Bob Sessions stand up and say he looked like Amanda Vanstone.
Fortunately for him, he doesn't.
oh, and I have a conundrum/question...how do I apologise for my friend drunkenly calling my panel beater at 5 am Sunday morning and waking him up? And should I actually apologise, seeing as I wasn't actually involved? And, most importantly, what's a good prank I can play on my friend? Have you ever played any good pranks?
ok that was lots of questions lotsoflove.xx.
ps you are fast becoming my Dad's favourite columnist. Your footy piece completely made his week.
That is rather a lot of questions. Let's think-jam together, shall we?
1. The curse of the 5am 'may I just borrow your mobile telephone to verbally assault one of your contacts, thanks everso' is a wretched one, Ms Sublime. Only recently I was spun the tale of a friend who awoke to find a barrage of insults on his messagebank from an unknown gentleman, apparently responding to calls from the night previous. It took some relatively extensive detective work for him to figure out that a companion had snuck away with his phone and made some colourful telephone calls to his ex-girlfriend. In that particular case my friend apologised profusely despite being pretty much completely in the clear, and I suggest you do the same. He's your panel beater after all and MY GOD BUT HE DESERVES RESPECT.
Also: There's something very lovely about manners. My friend Goosh was minding my apartment while I was away and blithely parked my car in a restricted parking area for days on end because he is an idiot. Yesterday I went and made lavish sorries to the nice neighbouring business people and we all nodded and smiled at each other for an inordinately lengthy period, which felt infinitely preferable to the seething campaign of angry notes on car windscreens. You see? It only takes three muscles to apologise and eighteen thousand to simmer in resentment, so you'll be taking the easy way out physically.
2. I am quite horrendously lame when it comes to pranks as I tend to take people and situations on face value and feel rather taken aback when others twist reality to a comic advantage, the fiends. Last year at a barbecue my friend Gen put a lot of effort into making an elaborate salad and wouldn't shut up about how it was better than anyone else's, so a plan was put in place to eat everything else on the table apart from her creation which worked surprisingly well and sent her into gasps of horror/self-doubt. I felt unbelievably bad about it afterwards and barely slept for a week and ended up throwing myself at her feet in floods of tears and begging for forgiveness, so I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask at all.
Over to you, RYWHM community noticeboard.
Coupe de Ville! said...
Who is Le B? His shit is outta this world! Do you like Suicide Girls? Your websiteis hilarious girl. xxxx
a) Le B is my ex-boyfriend Matty.
b) I do like Suicide Girls, very much. I was going through the motions of becoming an official SG many moons ago, but got distracted by making soup.
c) Thank you, Coupe.
Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Fits
I am just one of, what I image to be, the hordes of fans and admirers that have found this site in the weeks following your explosive arrival in the greater world.
Before I ask my question I would like to comment on two of the themes found within RWYWHM recently. One has been the matter of distance between yourself and your readership. Geography is not the only measure, a recent correspondent described himself as a fifty-ish, balding, nerd. I'll see his fifty and raise him ten and I still have lots of hair, mercifully most of it in the right places.
The delicate question of penile dimensions has also raised its head. Many years ago when sex workers were still referred to as prostitutes, one such lady of the night when questioned about size offered the opinion that she would rather be tickled than choked. Being of below average stature and at the time, of an age when such things seemed to matter hugely, I found her words deeply reassuring.
To my question, Of the many things that my generation do not "get", which is to our greatest detriment?
PS I cherished the reference to Richard Brautigan, I thought he had been lost to polite society.
Oh, hello there you hirsuite sixty-pluser. Welcome. Are you throwing down the gauntlet as the Methuselah of RYWHM? Can anyone top this gentleman's age in the Bring Out Your Blog-Reading Elders competition?
It's hard to pinpoint exactly where the generational lines start and end when you consider that even parents are utilising the art of texting (my dad very much enjoys sms-ing me updates on Missy Higgins' career, though he's yet to work out where the 'space' button is on his phone and instead+adds+pluses+between+every+word, the dear thing). They don't quite yet 'get' myspazz and continue to make lame jokes about emo, but for the most part they're relatively well-versed in all things young-folk. I'm sad for you that you'll never see the appeal of death metal, Pete Doherty and Kinder Surprises, but that's hardly going to set you back when next conversing with a table of twenty-somethings.
Daniel Hegder said...
So, I watched Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven the other night. In it, Eastwood's character says, "Yeah, they cut up her face, cut her eyes out, cut her fingers off, cut her teats, everything but her cunny, I suppose."
I have only one question. Do you think this is the first, last and only time the word 'cunny' has appeared in a Best Picture winner?*
Love
Daniel
(* Note: I know this year's winner, the Departed, uses the proper C word, but I think this variation is much funnier).
Weren't we talking about the word cunny only last Friday? What an odd coincidence.
I'd say you're right about the Best Picture winner thing, though considering the existence of Argentinian actress Cunny Vera there's a chance the word's appeared at least somewhere on film previously.
Anonymous said...
Dearest Ms Fits,
What are your thoughts on putting out on a first date?
Curious
I was having this discussion with a swinging bachelor friend of mine recently as we shared a first date and 'put out' for each other and both seemed rather taken aback by the state of affairs over a quiet gin a month later.
Him: To be honest, I wasn't actually expecting us to sleep together that first time.
Me: Oh god. Me neither.
Him: Really?
Me: You seem surprised.
Him: Well, I just thought....
Me: That I was a bit of a scarlet woman who was up for anything?
Him: I didn't want to use those words.
Beat.
Him: But yes, frankly. Another drink?
I really don't take issue with folk who want to put out on a first date - if the connection is there and you're laughing at each other's jokes and surreptitiously trying to touch knees under the table then throwing yourself into bed naked seems a perfectly natural step. Obviously it's preferable to have worked up an electric degree of flirtation and the longer you wait to kiss your intended on the lips, the more rewarding it can be. Additionally, any lingering awkwardness is more easily dispelled between familiar compadres than semi-strangers.
Overall I'd try to wait. Which falls into the 'do as I say, not as I do' category if the colourful episode mentioned above is anything to go by, obviously.
Simon said...
There was a comparison recently in teh age of Pamela Bone and Catherine Deveney. I was stricken, as the former is someone I want to be related to- really- and the latter is like your actual relatives-forcefull and irritating.
Is Pamela Bone dead? I called the paper once to find out- pissed as all fuck- but they didn't know. Plz aks.
All love.
Ah, Simon. In answer to your question:
Anonymous said...
i do believe that pamela "i knows what's best for the islamic wimmin" bone is now firmly ensconsed in the australian's op-ed page.
'I knows what's best'? Does she talk like Popeye all the time or solely when addressing matters of religion and feminism?
I absolutely love that you like to get drunk and harrass major media outlets, by the way. It seems a cunning hobby.
And with regards to Deveney-gate, LET'S JUST TACKLE THIS IN ONE GO SHALL WE:
Anonymous said...
More of an explanation than a question:
I hate Catherine Deveney. I am just as much a small-l liberal lefty as you are, would be deep in the cold, cold earth before I vote Liberal and even find Labor too conservative for my tastes (yay Greens). Politically, MsFits, you and I have EVERYTHING in common.
But I hate Catherine Deveney.
Oh lord how i can't stand the woman. Would you like to know why? Because she is such a phoney. She tries to push buttons, but THAT'S all it is about. People talk about how great it is that she riles people up. So does Andrew Bolt. Let me say that again: SO DOES ANDREW FUCKING BOLT. So if people like our Cath, they should spare some sympathy for our Andy.
In fact I've often thought, reading her columns, that she is trying to be a "lefty version of Andrew Bolt". Well let me tell you, Catherine, that is not a good thing. There are good reasons, Catherine, why you wouldn't like Andrew Bolt, and you are BECOMING those reasons. There is no subtlety, compassion or honesty in his writing, and the same goes for her. Both try to be as emotionally hyperbolic and divisive as possible, both get away with liberal amounts of vitriol and weasel words. I might agree with Catherine's ends more than Andrew's but I loathe equally the way both of them get there. Honestly, "people who go to public schools are snobs"? "4WDs should be banned"??? Grow up. How dare she presume to write so offensively about women choosing to have C-section births. Is it not allowed now? Is she suggesting women should have that choice taken from them? Is feminism really so dead and buried? See what I did there: I oversimplified the argument and resorted to cheap emotional shots... just like our Catherine.
Oh yeah, I guess I'd better ask a question, hey: why is Catherine Deveney such a shallow, hateful, divisive journalistic parasite?
(ps: I saw you on first tuesday book club. my GOD you are gorgeous).
Again, I actually enjoy Catherine Deveney's writing so am unable to go with you on the 'shallow, hateful, divisive journalistic parasite' thing. I take it you're not that keen? She speaks very highly of you, you know.
Anonymous said...
Dear MsFits
Amongst all the Catherine bashing, I offer her some support via your weekly institution. She wrote an article in The Age on the 5th May about her experiences in the Logies office. As a long time member of the broadcast industry, my first Logies experience was in the late 70s, I thought her article not only accurate and factual, but piss funny, as did many of my collegues.
Question.....Are normal jobs still enjoyable after so many years? I can't decide if I am lazy, just satisfied to be in the comfort zone or still challenged.
Love your work.
TV Bloke
I wouldn't know; I haven't had a normal job since I was seventeen and waitressing. From memory I delivered Lebanese food for all of one night around 1995, but it seems a hazy memory now. Working in the broadcast industry is certainly not dull - particularly when there's a dearth of local content in production and you're forced to spend your days sitting in a beer garden wondering aloud just how exactly a fatuous gimp like Daryl Somers is allowed a career comeback while geniuses like you remain unemployed. Presumably if one is doing something they love - be it laying industrial cable or sponge-bathing the elderly - job satisfaction will follow. See you at the Logies.
Anonymous said...
I have always found Catherine Deveney absolutely delightful. I love the fact that her byline photo is so goofy-looking. To quote my mother, she looks like a "good sort".
The anti-Deveney vitriol has only emerged since the whole "send your kids to state schools" thing. I think lots of people are very threatened by that. I would wager that lots of your readers love being hip, young urbanites and are (understandably) a little touchy about some aspects of their suburban upper-middle-class upbringings. Such people are not used to being criticised in the local Broadsheet. Having someone - and not just anyone, but a woman from broadmeadows high - point out the shortcomings of a Scotch College education in a witty, insightful way, upsets their world's natural balance.
Love,
Camberwell Girl in Collingwood
Word verification: Ticzajg. Inferior Soviet-made tictacs?
Well, that's another Vote 1 Lady D. I've lost count as to who's winning. She's certainly dividing the crowd, isn't she?
BEVIS said...
Deveney be damned. The 'old' BEVIS ain't dead yet ...
You're adorable when you're cross, aren't you?
Leilani said...
I'm with Camberwell Girl in Collingwood, Catherine Deveny is one of my all-time favourite columnists, along with Jim Schembri (and your good self of course). I would recommend that people who don't enjoy reading her columns have a crack at self-regulation and choose not to read them. My questions: Who are your favourite columnists past/present? Why do you think all these Deveny haters keep posting here?
Oh, lord. Presumably that's the first and last time my name will be used in the same breath as the words 'Jim Schembri'*. What a terrifying turn of events.
I don't really read a lot of columns (though am an obsessive Morrell/Ackerman fan, clearly) - Danny Katz is ever-lovely for his random use of capitals, and Kate Duthie should write more. Conversely, Lillian Frank and Robyn Riley make me want to cut out my genitals and set them on fire.
As to why Antiveneys swing by here to express their distaste - 'cause they can, I guess. Open forum and so on.
* Outside of the question 'Do you Ms Fits take, etc', obviously.
Rosanna said...
Catherine Deveney came to my old highschool only a few years ago. She was very witty and very natural. Clicks for Catherine!
My question is; do you LIKE writing for the Green Guide? Are you not permitted to answer that? I like reading you - all the adds in that insert make me very angry.
Now she's getting clicks, is she? Are we soon to be adopting the ol' 'Buckets and Bouquets' method of appraisal here on RYWHM? I'm open to suggestion, though it should be noted that I fear change.
I do like writing for the Green Guide, very much. Are you kidding me? I get to watch wildly bad television and attempt to be a smart alec about it at home in my pyjamas and they pay me every week for the privilege without fail. The words 'dream job' spring to mind. And yes, if I didn't enjoy it I'd probably be permitted to answer - though I'd be a bit of a moron to stomp around town loudly belittling my employer.
Still. I've done worse.
RIGHT. WE'RE FINISHED WITH DEVENEY FOR TODAY. MOVING BRISKLY ALONG...
jctrue said...
Dear Ms Fits
Again a true reader of three months would like to know...
Do you ever visit the Suicide Girls interwebsite?
If you do peruse such site who is your favourite Suicide Girl?
And if so why are her attributes above all others?
As mentioned previously, I do indeed visit SG on occasion. My favourites change all the time, but the two stayers have been Mary (still active) and Bettie (no longer active). I'm also a bit in love with DebraJean, mostly for poses like this:
The iconic Mary (22 sets, if you can believe that) may be most famous for this:
but I love her mostly because her bod is so smokin' and she looks healthy and goddamn she likes getting naked.
Ah, me.
*has private moment*
FreeHugsTommy said...
I have a rather hodgepodge pile of randomality for questions today. Here goes:
I have recently been listen to some old George Carlin comedy, in particular his classic Incomplete List of Impolite Words. When listening to this, i had to wonder how there is no band called Mother Strapalonian? And as there isn't, is anyone interested in starting a band called Mother Strapalonian?
Also, i have been considering creating a list of, say, 100 films of which i am shocked when people i know have not seen them. Unsure of what exactly will be put on this list, but i feel that if anyone has seen less than half of them they are actually bad people. Are there any such films for you?
Lastly, a quick return to reality TV. How much of a bad idea was it for Jamie on BB to actually say, "I know i have a higher IQ than the rest of you"? I started off quite liking Jamie, but i just went, why would you say that? Also, it's not like that's hard.
Anyways, ranting done. I look forward to hearing the wisdom of Fits.
A 'hodgepodge pile of randomality', huh? Nice.
1. I have no idea why, but there isn't. You'll be the first. What sort of music are you planning on playing?
2. I don't know if I could come up with 100 deal-breakers, FHT. Isn't it nice to share new things with potential friends and swains?
That said, if I'm on a date with someone who blanks Happiness, we need to talk.
3. Oh, I agree entirely. I've had a bit of a soft spot for Jamie as I'm rather partial to brainiac social misfits, though his getting drunk and standing in front of the entire Big Brother compound sobbingly telling them they're a bunch of dumbasses was horrifically misguided. Wtf was he thinking? Alcohol is a dangerous social lubricant, people. Fear its wrath.
Anonymous said...
Regarding Ms Rein. Her misdemeanors started waaaaay back. What ever happened to "i" before "e"...
'I before e except after c' is my least favourite grammar saying, Anon. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's fucking shit. What about 'weight'? 'Seize'? 'Deign'? What about 'conscience'? And don't tell me 'the exception proves the rule', because that's the second fucking shittest saying. An exception doesn't prove a rule, it disproves it.
Honestly, these things get my goat.
Mirri said...
"Didn't someone from a faraway-sounding Europa nation post a question on here a few weeks ago? Am I smoking crack? "
-Twas me, waving the Finnish flag and claiming remoteness, but them Londonites and whatnots seem to be ignoring that, and rather enjoying their battle of the streets.
I do very much like the image of UK RYWHM commenters launching themselves into street battles in the manner of a Jets vs Sharks high-kicks danceoff, Mirri. My money's on Ryan caning it in the modern jazz category.
Johnny Nemo said...
Sorry Fits, I was quoting another poster, who in fact was making the point that they don't wrist one off while wasting their bandwidth.
"I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don't masturbate. I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive." ...... NOT!!
I may be a bit of a wanker at times, but I'm not a chronic masturbator. :)
I wouldn't judge you if you were, Johnny Nemo. I am very open-minded.
QueenZelda said...
Ms Fits
I took your advise in previous weeks about brown boots vs black on board, and had intended to buy a delightful new pair of brown ones. Then in a moment of weakness bought the most fantastic black ones on an impulse. While I do love them, I can't help but think they would have been ever so much better in brown and I should have listened to you. (I note that they did not make them in brown).
On to my question, is it terribly lame that it is 7:10pm on a saturday night and I am sitting in my office in the city working? And should I have a hamburger or chinese takeaway for dinner?
If only you could provide me with this answer now! :(
I am considering buying a new pair of boots myself, QueenZ. I will heed your experience as a sombre warning.
To answer your questions:
1. Not at all, though it might help if you stripped down to your knickers and put on a funny hat. You could have your own private 'casual dress day' and fill the office with the insane laughter of the terminally alone. It would pass the time, in any case.
2. Depends on the hamburger, though if you're in the city I'd go Chinese as you are surrounded by some fucking outstanding restaurants. I do realise I'm almost a week late with responding (I'll have to start answering these questions by SMS soon), but in case you're stuck again you can always refer back.
Paul said...
re vaginal nomenclature...my favourite from a few years back was "growler"
And to 'growl' someone means to go down on them, right?
Years ago I sent my photo in to Picture magazine Home Girls as a dare for the radio show. I didn't mind so much being naked amongst the Reader's Wives, mostly I was appalled because they made me sound like a complete moron. My interview quoted me as saying '...apparently it's ace when a bloke's growlin' ya!!!', and ending with the cheery 'I never tried it, but!!!'.
I have never put the word 'but' on the end of a sentence in my fucking life. Picture Magazine, I am shocked and dismayed by your lack of journalistic integrity.
*cancels subscription*
Mercurius said...
Dear Ms Fits
Thanks to your hard-hitting expose of 1980s-related baby names, I was shocked and appalled to realise how commonplace the names Mel and Kim have become since, well, you know who.
So, after reading their wikipedia page, it came as an even greater surprise to learn that one of the sisters, Mel, had died from cancer of the spine way back in 1990.
It's not that I was ever a fan of the group - though I certainly never bore them any ill-will - but I found myself unexpectedly saddened to learn that one of them had died so young.
Mel's premature death from cancer is doubly tragic because if there are any late-1980s acts that deserved to die young, surely they are Paula Abdul and Rick Springfield.
Have I missed anyone?
PS - Re; You made some very apt comments last week abount po-faced Australian public debate is becoming. Everybody is so buttoned-down and starchy these days. Do you think somebody should shake things up a bit? Maybe next time he's on the 7:30 report, Joe Hockey should try taking a dump on Kerry O'Brien's desk or something??
Have you missed anyone in the morbid 80's pop star deathwishing? I wouldn't say so, though I'd pick MC Skat Kat over Paula Abdul - she seems troubled enough these days without anonymous internet folk praying for her to be struck down with cancer.
With regard to Joe Hockey 'shaking up' politics - could you not have thought of something a little less base than going to the toilet on Kerry O'Brien's desk? I'd be happy with an inappropriate butt-squeeze of Michelle Grattan or calling someone an arsey fucktard during Question Time. My vote's with Tony Abbott - you can tell by the glint in his eye he wants to be up to something.
Djali said...
I have been invited to a friend's mother's winter solstice party. What's going to happen? And what the hell am I going to wear?
What the devil is a 'winter solstice' party? Having googled I've found this pleasing and intriguing thing:
'This seasonal party provides a culminating experience for children before their winter vacation. Many of us find ourselves confronted with a great deal of sensitivity about the various winter holidays. One way to celebrate this important time of the year without offending anyone is to focus on the solstice. A variety of activities that are fun for the children can also help strengthen their foundational skills for literacy development. Some of the activities that would be fun and meaningful for this time of the year include:
Candle decorating (real candles)
Candle decorating (paper candles)
Star or candle shaped cookie decorating
Transparencies
Books, songs and poems about light and winter'
which suggests you're in for a fucking doozy of a time. 'Candle decorating (paper candles)'? I can't remember the last time I had so much fun outside of an ear infection.
The other thing I found - which possibly gives you more insight into the type of people who would throw a winter solstice party - is this:
' I would please like to know why nobody bothered to show up for my Winter Solstice party.
I know WS doesn't officially kick off for another three weeks, possibly four - but I can personally confirm that each of you received an Evite, that it was read, and that one or more of you clicked CMD or CTRL-W to dismiss the window.
You might remember my exact instructions: arrive around seven o'clock. Not eight o'clock, not nine o'clock, certainly not never o'clock. I was already running behind, and if I'd gotten any sort of response throughout the course of the day, I might have planned a little better.
Do you know how many Wiccan kings there were? Hint: AROUND SEVEN....
What did you miss?
WELL GEE WHIZ!!! Quite a lot, I'm afraid! The path to my front door was garnished with yellow and orange leaves to celebrate the presence of autumn, my favorite time of year.
I had about three dozen Wiccan candles lit up. These are beeswax candles, not regular candles. They're very expensive and difficult to locate.
Oh yes! I'd laid forth an immense buffet of snacks and imported beers & wines (spirits) which I paid for myself. Show me a "witch" and I'll show you an excellent host.
It would have been free food and drink all night long, WiCcA StYLe under a wintery solstice moon.'
If I were you I'd run screaming in the opposite direction, but you seem a sweet enough young lady and I guess you're going to attend out of the goodness of your heart. This being the case, I suggest flowing white robes and/or a floral headpiece with accompanying tribal tattoos and 'the goddess is dancing' stickers for your car/broomstick/gift basket. You can pretty much rest assured that the evening will consist of beaming middle-aged women listening to Enya and getting excited about pumpkin and if enough punch is downed there'll probably be a virgin sacrifice. Enjoy, and for god's sake REPORT BACK.
Ben said...
Firstly, the "i before e" rule is much misunderstood. It only applies when it's pronounced as "ee". When it's pronounced as in rein, weigh inveigle...it's e before i. Obviously.
Yes, at a certain age the "best friends" concept becomes obsolete, but I'm only 12 years old so, you know.
I'd turn gay for Tina Fey too! I mean, I don't have to, because I'm a man, but if I thought it would win her to my side, I'd change sex, then turn gay.
I wrote IOW because I apparently forgot where I was an thought I was writing on the About:Atheism forum, where such abbreviatory shenanigans are commonplace and not worthy of comment. I'm sorry. My only defence is that I find it hard to drop the vernacular of my generation (which is, technically, the same generation as yours, but I am an emotional cripple).
It is also untrue that people who go to public schools are snobs. Some of them merely aspire to be snobs.
It's terrible when people use Friday's Q&A as if it's some sort of conversation rather than just a question-and-answer session, isn't it? Gets right on my wick.
I see that the Beasts of Bourbon are playing on June 8, but if any of the readers here can't get to that, or are scared of the manly noises the Beasts make, then why not go to St Peter's Hall, Mornington, for the least manly event in the world: A stand-up comedy competition? If for some baffling reason you would like to see me (and others) making with the ha-ha, or for some less baffling reason would like to stalk and kill me, do come along. Ten dollars or so it costs, I think, and it's audience-voted, which means I'm fucked unless I have like fifty people there just for me.
My question for this week is, do you play a musical instrument?
My second question for this week is, don't you think it strange that with all this, I still didn't tell you what IOW means?
Oh, don't start me with that fucking 'i before e' thing again. I'll get very cross.
a) I do play a musical instrument. I used to learn the alto sax and piano, although after seven or so years of practice and exams I dropped the ball and turned to
b) A little, but I'm not fussed. It's In Other Words, am I right? It came to me in a dream one fateful evening (true).
p.s. I would also turn gay for Sarah Silverman.
richardwatts said...
"p.s. Bags me the Absinthe Fairy costume."
But I thought I was the absinthe fairy around these here parts? *exits stage left muttering darkly*
Would this help, Richard?
sublime-ation said...
Singing and dancing is way better than stupid netball. Especially if we get to wear costumes.
Richard Watts, maybe you can be some other kind of fairy? How about an Agwa Fairy?
I'm starting to worry that this all-singing all-dancing blogger supergroup will consist entirely of people dressed up as their favourite alcoholic beverage.
Oh well, at least we'll have a 'hook'.
Joseph said...
http://www.hbo.com/conchords/
I know, I watched it yesterday. Fucking lovely it is, too. I plan to use the line 'I'm not crying, it's just been raining on my face' at my earliest convenience.
Anonymous said...
Ms Fits, do you think in 20 years time, people will be calling their children Moonunit and Zapper and Mandarin - without being laughed at?
Only 20? It's doubtful, considering wholemeal names like Kylie and Jason are still high up there on potential parental radars. Give it 200 when the v-neck velour jumpers take over and we're all eating pop rocks chewing gum for breakfast - no doubt Count Fistula Von ZingZang will have made its way to the top of the popularity charts.
Anonymous said...
Hello,
Do you like Elizabeth Wurtzel? And not so much Prozac Nation-Wurtzel, but the More, Now, Again era Wurtzel? She is a very interesting creature I find...
I was always a little too self-conscious to read Prozac Nation (it seemed offensively navel-gazey and earnest), so am yet to delve further. Are you recommending More, Now, Again? I'm quite open to suggestion if so. And 'interesting creature' is a very vague appraisal of a young lady, I must say.
thr said...
For sometime now I have been kinda in lerve with Ms Sarah Silverman. An hour on youtube and its a cert.
Your thoughts?
regards etc
thomasr
Oh god, that Comic Relief clip is genius. I really would turn gay for Sarah Silverman and her incredibly wrong brand of humour. 'I don't care if you think I'm racist...I just want you to think I'm a thin racist'. She makes me think.
About, you know, blowing Mexicans and stuff.
Rach said...
(Note: this is patently not a question, but rather a bit of a fan-girly gush)
I made eye contact with you at the Tote last week, the night of the Little Red gig. I believe I then bit my fist and shot off a squealy txt msg to Mel along the lines of 'OMG I just saw Fits I AM FANNING MYSELF AS THO I JUST WON MISS UNIVERSE!'* I figured you wanted to enjoy the darling musical stylings of several young boys in rumpled suits, so I didn't say hello.
However, if I see you out and about in future, would you mind terribly if I said hello?** I might be a bit gushy at first but I swear I mellow out with time and a few whiskey sours.
Either way, I hope you had a pleasant night
* I use this expression simply to describe the gesture, however it should be said that I'm a bit fond of hyperbole.
** FYI, I am short, blonde and bespectacled, and I have a great hunk of metal hanging from my lower lip.
Of course you should come and say hello. You could meet my dad if he's doing one of his sporadic 'jiving with the childrettes' visits. And whisky sours are always best when shared.
p.s. This 'great hunk of metal'. Is it Sebastian Bach? He must play havoc with your spine.
elmo said...
just to reiterate, this is pretty much the funniest thing ever, innit?
aktuly. LOLDEAD!
ah.
x
I am starting to worry about you and those lolcats, Elmo. It's becoming a weird and not entirely healthy obsession.
Also: yes. It is, in fact, the funniest thing ever. Dear rest of the world comedians and funny-makers, stop trying. Love, Fits.
Anonymous said...
Having made the joke, I am not sure how to take it any further ...
Ms Fits, how DO I arrange to set my Nigella-esque sister up with Bob?
A very good question. Perhaps if you're both serious about this internet hook up, you should email me and we can take it from there.
Jesus fucking christ. I'm a walking Jennifer Love Hewitt telemovie. Shoot me now.
An Anonymous Coward said...
Dearest Ms Fits,
I hope that this finds you well and honky dory so to speak. Career advice this time I am afraid, I have given up on my angst for a little while so seek your ruminations on all things 'what the hell do I do with myself for the next 40 - 50 odd years?' type of questions. Your last two pieces of advice given to me seemed pretty spot on so thought I'd give this a shot as well, sorry to place such a heavy responsibility upon you.
I recently (within the last year) gave up on a job that whilst paid well enough to keep me clothed, fed and occasionally drunk offered very little satisfaction on a personal level. I decided to head back to university under the premise of having more of a chance of being employed in an area that offered a higher potential of satisfaction in knowing that I was hopefully doing some good for a change, rather than just wanting a job to buy lots of shiny things.
Herein lies the problem, the degree that I am doing is in the social science discipline and whilst that is all well and good and hopefully will gain me employment that I would find more conducive to doing something slightly more useful with my life. At the end of the day I find myself a little disheartened by it all.
I admit that I am just a baggy arsed first year student and must be led by the hand to find out all that is wrong with the world but my dilemma is that seems to be all that I am doing. I am well aware of the problems that people face what I really seek is solutions to the problems and whilst it is something of idealistic and simple approach to the ills that people face surely a tertiary institution wherein the ‘best and brightest’ minds come together could do more than just bitch about things and actually do something about it?
So do I grin and bear it and hope that things get better and at the end of the day I can offer gainful insight or should I be doing something else that may not offer any higher level of satisfaction?
My apologies again for waffling on and getting to the question by the longest means necessary.
I think I understand what you're saying AAC, and for now I recommend you stay put. You've obviously got something important stirring within you which led you to quit the safety net in the first place. If you threw the towel in now you'd still be left with that achey hollow feeling and let's face it you may well end up in a koala suit begging change for the Wilderness Society which none of us want for you DO WE FELLOW BLOG COMMUTERS.
If it's still utterly unbearable and tugging at you with misery in six months time, re-evaulate. For now, stick it out. You're one of the good ones, and - not to place undue stress - your country needs you.
Manure Man said...
fitttsssy, fitsy, fitsy, yum, yum
long time no post, will keep it short or long. as you may or may not know i have not been blessed with the greatest name (it being dung and it being pronounced jung as in carl jung), though i absolutely love it and would not change it for anything else (maybe brutus). however of late people have been making up names for me. as of late i mean the last 6 or so years. at work i'm known as "doc", my old uni friends "chief", my partner "slanty eyed lover" (though i do refer to her as my pasty skinned ho), some of friends refer to me as "rusty", and my family still call me "yong" even though i adopted a new pronunciation of my name 7 years ago. which begs the question, how do i get people to call me by my name, do i just ignore people who don't use that name, do i go and pilot a show such as everybody loves dung, what about dung or last dung standing, or take a full page spread in the age stating my name is dung? please help!
ps: when will you redeem your voucher to a free dinner i sent you many moons ago before you got all famous and propositioned by every man, woman and dog. i'm sure the voucher is still valid for another 10 years.
Long time indeed, MM. Nice to see you again.
With regard to your query, I'm afraid you're in a bit of a tight spot - it's utterly impossible to coerce your friends and loved ones into calling you something they don't wish to call you. I've been privately keen on the nickname 'Rizzo' since falling for Stockard Channing in Grease, but if I dared bring it up with my knockabout playmates they'd laugh in my face and carry on calling me Mrs like they always do.
Names and pronunciations thereof are the property of the outside world, not you. You can yell until you're blue in the fact that you insist on being called Dung and not a thing else (admittedly you would come across as mildly deranged, but go with it for now) but until you accept that people will pretty much make up their own minds in their own sweet time you'll get nowhere.
If all else fails, I suggest you pretend to hate your name and screw up your nose in disgust every time someone gets it right. It's a surefire way for things like that to stick as people by their nature are cunts.
p.s. Gen has taken to calling me Mini Moon Fry as she thinks I look like the perfect cross between Bert Newton and Punky Brewster. I plan to suffocate her while she sleeps.
freehugstommy said...
Hello, it's me again. I'm very inquizative this week.
Was First Tuesday Porn Club as fun as it looked? How did you control yourself when Richard E Grant asked you whether you like shaved minge?
It was indeed fun, though I'm particularly glad my father had left the ABC before we shot it. From memory the charming (and pleasingly filthy) Richard E Grant was directing that particular question to Jennifer, though the discussion about vaginal trimmings did carry on for an uncomfortably lengthy period of time. It's all a bit of a blur, really.
Andy said...
Hello Ms Fits!
I'm a recent lurker/reader type who has been troubled by something for some time now, and I'd like to know your thoughts on the matter.
Tracy Grimshaw's face recently went all house-of-mirrors on us, and while it is obvious that the formerly attractive Grimshaw has had the work done, it seems to have gone by unnoticed!
Why hasn't anyone commented on this? She looks so strange! It's not like the lady from the Brand Power ads whose orthodontic endeavours were as obvious as her breast augmentation - at least she had the courage to be upfront about it... ahem.
That having been said - my housemates both commented that Tracy's chest also "seems bigger" than they remember, and without asking them what they remember and why they remember it, it does look like perhaps work has been done down there as well...
I'm confused as to why a leader in a 'peaked in the early 90s' generation of potentially OTPILF (Older Television Presenter... you know the rest) ladies (see: Adriana Xenides, Kerry Anne-Kennerly, Sandra Sully, hell even Ding-Dong would be nice for someone with a suffocation fetish) felt the need to get the work done in the first place and when it went horribly wrong, why she didn't appear on a realtiy extreme makeover show about it...
Have I gone off topic?
Your thoughts?
Are you suggesting that Ms Grimshaw has had professional knocker-stuffing, Andy? I really hadn't noticed, though I can't say I've ever been an avid follower of her career/face/bosoms. I guess if she has felt the slice of a surgeon's knife it'd be wholly due to the use-by date on Televisual Women Of A Certain Age (or, to use your charmed expression, OTPILF) and no doubt the poor dear would be terrified of being hip-and-shouldered by Fifi Box or some other fresh-skinned young lovely with cha-cha hips and glitter lipstick. We can hardly blame her for falling victim to the improbable demands of the waistcoated red-faced powerhouses, can we?
Poor Tracey. Have a heart, she'll be doing Kino next year.
Anonymous said...
I verily enjoyed your article on the death of Family Feud. Can we start up a 'What do we do with Bert?" strand?
With all of Nine's parading of their newly signed 'living legend' , it seems to have been forgotten that he's still a quick-witted, charming entertainer. There's a generation of dirty young people who grew up watching Good Morning Australia in hungover stupour when they should have been doing something with their lives, and we miss him. Surely we can come up with something that appeals to the blue rinse and that the rest of us can enjoy ironically?
You'd think so, wouldn't you? Although unless he stops doing silly jokes with his hairpiece (if I see that fucking tedious rug gag one more time I'm going to stab a child) he'll find himself put out to pasture before you can say Tony Barber's TV1 Quiz Isn't Much Chop.
Suggestions for what one does with an aimless Bert to be recorded below, please.
Anonymous said...
fits,
i'm falling for the editor's son... he's witty and kind and sweet and gentle... but he's got a girlfriend...
what to do?
Which editor, where? Is the editor's son falling for you too? Be careful, dear Anon - the boy is otherwise engaged, and you'd be best to hold off your breathy proclamations of love until he wrests himself from the clutches of his girl and announces himself wholly and completely yours. In the meantime, you'll sadly have to make do with longing sighs and subtle queries to the editor about which qualities he'd most look for in a perfect future daughter-in-law.
Cursed witty and kind and sweet and gentle men. What are they playing at do you suppose?
sixowls said...
dearest fits,
Do you think late 30s-ish is too old for someone in their early 20s? I ask because I was invited to have coffee recently in a delightful random moment - the setting was a wintry laneway and he was english, charming and carried an umbrella - but I panicked, made a very poor (if true) excuse and said no!
So while it hasn't exactly been plaguing me, I have been soundly berating myself ever since for being so unadventurous... thoughts?
I most certainly do not, sixowls. I think you should have taken this lovely fellow up on his offer, and age difference be damned. I'm yet to meet a twenty-year-old capable of turning my brain to casserole with his vocabulary but that's not to say if the right wee bean strolled into my life I wouldn't be open to falling for him. Besides which, it was coffee. He wasn't asking you to accompany him to Click Click to dance to an electro band and wear an ironic FRANKIE SAYS RELAX t-shirt. I say if you see him again you must allow yourself to be whisked away. He may end up being a halfwit with a nice umbrella, but at least you'll know either way.
freehugstommy said...
Yet another question from me. I'm clearly not busy enough.
Did you see the Keating interview on Lateline tonight? If you didn't, i'll sum it up for you.
"The Liberals are stupid, the ALP is wrong, the unions are incompetent. Basically, everyone's dumb but me." It was so entertaining!
What are your thoughts? (Yes, poor attempt to make a question out of that, but hey.)
I didn't see it, though I have heard as much. Paul Keating is really getting as entertaining as Siegfried and Roy these days, isn't he? He's like Bill Heffernan with a brain, and an endless source of comfort to those of us bemoaning the lack of cinnamon in today's political debates.
I think he's wonderful, and a welcome addition to this increasingly interesting election campaign. More of it.
Pusia said...
I'm in a tiny, insignificant Polish beach town, on a tiny insignificant Polish peninsula, in a tiny insignificant country (oh, wait).
This place is called Hel.
Tomorrow, George Bush will be 500 metres away from me at the Polish president's summer palace, lol-ing about how theyz is gonna point a big missile at Putin's crotch.
Now, I am here with my absurdly rich cousin, who has "connections". Those "connections" may be attending a function. I may be attending this function.
What is my obligation?
I am considering plunging my hand into a toilet and then making a beeline for his greeting-arm. Any people I meet along the way will be referred to as collateral damage.
As if I could top this:
BEVIS said...
Pusia, tell your cousin it will be a cold day in Hel before you attend such a function with George W Bush.
*drum fill*
Thank you, I'm lurking here all week; try the veal.
(Word Verification word: "pttpyty". The noise my car makes when I try to start it on a frosty morning.)
Well done, Bevis. It's always nice to have you stop by.
p.s. The toilet option is the only way. Spitting on him would be too coarse, and probably see you tackled to the ground and shot. If you attempt to berate him with big words he'll only grow confused. If you're game I'd try a Dirty Sanchez, but you'd really have to time it right.
larson_b said...
hi fits,
a few of us happened to find ourselves in a bookshop the other day. it was after work so i was in a (rather fetching) black suit. i managed to catch my reflection, which i firstly ignored, but then i remembered that i was looking rather fetching, so i glanced down to find - to my remaining horror - that it wasn't a mirror, rather it was a biography of john howard. moreover, it wasn't my reflection on john howard's glossy skull, it was JOHN HOWARD'S PICTURE that i mistook for my reflection.
i haven't slept for days.
i need a remedy
please help fits.
Oh my god.
I have read and re-read this question and tried to come up with something positive to say, but in all seriousness I think the only option for you is a total head transplant and while I know it's a big step you really have no other choice.
Mistaking yourself for John Howard? Good lord. Does it feel kind of like God hates you and wishes you ill-will?
Cloudy said...
Might be too late with this but worth a stab (fnar).
On Sunday Arts last week Kelvin Cunnington's alter ego, who's name escapes me for the moment, said this coming Sunday's "Rogues Gallery" profilee would be Human Bob Ellis. Will you be doing this one or have you been gazumped by that comedy scruff in his unironed miller shirt?
[/plug prompt]
I won't be 'doing' Bob, no. There was talk of it for a while but I thought it would cross the line into I WILL COME FOR YOU AT NIGHT stalker territory so am sticking with Helen Garner. Who is this 'comedy scruff' you speak of? Do I have a nemesis? Will there be pistols at dawn? I do hope not; I fucking hate early mornings.
********************
Done and dusted. I must go to the lovely Book Grocer's bookstore opening (my friend Mitch claims to be attending dressed as a 'self-inking stamp', which I'm very much looking forward to seeing), and consider trips to beaches, and High Tea at the Windsor, and roaming through the city with a head crammed full of French literature.
Leave your questions for next Friday in the comments below. And don't be afraid to write to me between loads of washing, you. Even if you smell like a grave robber I'll be happy to see your words.
159 days til the next election.
Comments
" I won't be 'doing' Bob, no. There was talk of it for a while but I thought it would cross the line into I WILL COME FOR YOU AT NIGHT stalker territory so am sticking with Helen Garner. Who is this 'comedy scruff' you speak of? Do I have a nemesis? Will there be pistols at dawn? I do hope not; I fucking hate early mornings. "
Do you have a nemesis? I thought you already did... a certain green-wearing Liberal 'lady-bird'...
What do you think became of her, by the way?
This post has been removed by the author.
I was speaking of Adam Rozenbachs who I saw on the show talking about Germaine Greer and assumed that you and he were alternating in the job. And knew of each other's existance. And he looked like he'd just crawled out of a laundry hamper.
one of my friends was bored and scribbled on this pic, it now seems to have made its way around the interwebs... i think it's funny...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v98/cheshkat/howard.jpg
linked coz my html is bollocks
Point 1. This is why I love Q&A, because of the 'thank god this shit doesn't just happen to ME'.
Point 2. Bags me dressed as champagne.
Why was your dog vomiting? Did you take her to the vet?
Also: I was wondering how you went about toilet training Bob Ellis?
Do you let her sleep in the bed with you?
How old is Bob Ellis?
Voila, mes questions.
My dearest Ms Fits -
I am strangely moved by the notion that you welcome posts from those that may smell like grave robbers and am, as we speak, doing my utmost to replicate the odour of a corpse-removing individual with a penchant for bloggery. Denied as we we are the joys of interweb scratch-and-sniffery you will have to take my word for it, I stink.
I should also quickly point out that, since my initial inquiries, I have been able to confirm the photo was indeed of your positively adorable self and did only this week catch your fine work on the abba cee's "reading with dick and jane for grown-ups"
I am sure I was not alone in thinking Richard E Grant was more than a tad flirtatious no?
Anyhowness, to my irrelevant and time-wasting question(s):
1:Is it possible to arrange, perhaps through some kind of grass-roots campaign, an award for the perennially marvellous P Keating for his magnificent description of Little Johnny as a "Pre-cornucopian obscurantist" ?
It doesn't actually matter what it means does it, you just know that whatever it is it isn't going to be good? (realise this is not the most current of events but I feel it deserves an airing)
2:Is it possible that your goodly self and the Sydney-based RYWHM bloggerati could arrange to meet up in a suitably expensive and dimly-lit wine bar the next time you are here for televisual work and ply each other with extravagantly priced liqour and bar snacks and endless eloquent conversation.? What say you Ms Fits?
And I would like to suggest the following description in ref to aforementioned pee emm
strange days indeed under Johnny the Little, those barely-tamed eyebrows, that ill-controlled spittle... conjures up the perfect picture don't you think?
toodle pip
the frozen turnip
big friday night in, pretending to study for exams while secretly watching the footy (not so secret come to think of it - the tv is quite loud and i am sure the housemates can hear it [not the BB housemates, but the people i live with], if they're awake of course - shift workers, it's like living on mute sometimes) anyway off that digression (must remember not to get distracted by word associations like digression in a holden caulfield kind of way), and the on the ground painted logo is for a brand of big car (the seppos would call them SUVs) that's called the kluger. is it just me, or does that sound too much like kruger? which i will forever associate with south africa circa pre-20 years ago and therefore very not a good place. is it wise to name a brand of car in such a way? or is that just me? i have seen some on the road, and they were big, ugly, white, and drove around like they owned the place.
hope you have a good weekend.
"Cursed witty and kind and sweet and gentle men. What are they playing at do you suppose?"
Our emotions, Fits. They're playing silly buggers with our emotions. And on that note, is there a particular accent that makes you weak at the knees and or tumescent/moist?
A fling early in my homosexualist experimentations seems to have programmed my brain with a predisposition for Irish accents, although I find Glaswegian and Sarf Lon'on dialects also oddly arousing. Perhaps it's just because I was exposed to too many eps of The Bill and Minder in my formative, prepubescent years?
I lack the verbosity to post a fitting comment tonight, so i'll just say this:
Ms Fits is grouse.
I'm totally reduced to convulsions of a drooling-fanboy-esque nature.
"Cursed witty and kind and sweet and gentle men. What are they playing at do you suppose?"
My take would be that they are probably just hoping to be thrown a figurative bone, but there you are.
Hope everyone has a great fun filled weekend! Enjoy the birthday fun :)
I have to say that this blog is always educational, although not always in a good way. I hadn't heard of the Dirty Sanchez before, and when I did find out what it was it made me want to quickly slam the back button and pretend I had never read it.
The thirst for knowledge is always a good thing though, because in the course of my research I did make some other interesting discoveries. I wonder if you are familiar with any of the following:
The Rusty Trombone, aka the Dirty Bristow*
Nyotaimori or its closely related cousin Wakamezake
Tribadism or tribbing
Penetrative docking (and this one made me cross and uncross my legs very quickly)
* I am very much amused by the idea of a sexual act being named after Eric Bristow, the Crafty Cockney
At the risk of incurring your ire again, FitsWa, the adage "it's the exception that proves the rule" is in fact correct. You just have to use the term 'prove' with its original meaning - to test, or give trial by fact...
.."the exception tests the rule."
This community service announcement was brought to you by the letter 'G', the number '8', and Bill Bryson's book "Mother Tongue"
Can you hurry up and bring PoliChicks back for the election? I'm jonesing to buy my lefty lady gear, and my enthusiasm for "Heaven/Kevin" wristbands and "Don't Rein on My Parade" racer-back singlet tops or something will surely only last another month or so. I like to get a good 5 months' wear out of my topical outfits. So get to it!
I have been involved in a 'to and fro' interstate romance for over a year now.
He asked me to visit about a month ago. He seemed frantic to see me, and I excitably assumed that I had finally bagged him. He offered to pay half my fare. I refused.
I have since discovered that he was dating other bird life. When I asked him, if he thought it was fair that he kept this from me, he declared (like any mature thirty something would) that "the distance meant we were not boyfriend and girlfriend".
Anyway, my question is this:
Can I ask him to donate half my airfare to Amnesty International?
I would like someone to benefit from my prostitution (or rather my 'pay to be a prostitute'). Is this bitter?
Ms Fits,
I am SO jealous that you got to sit next to the divine Mr Grant, isn't he just the dishiest of the dishy?
At a pal's house with laptop as like many other NSWers we've had no electricity since Friday, wild and windy weather and power lines laying about on the roads. It's not so bad, me and partner have been reading at home by candlelight and eating cold baked beans and peanut butter sandwiches. This morning kindly pal who still has electricity on provided hot showers, coffee and breakfast.
My question: have you read any William Gibson? I love him to bits and pieces and am hoping you're not a "all sci-fi is crap" person, but if you are I'll still admire you from afar. You must read his exquistite poem 'Agrippa'
http://project.cyberpunk.ru/lib/agrippa/
xx
Perhaps my using a nom de comment kept my question lost last week, so I'll try again:
A skinny bitch with a face like a foetus pashed my bloke, and then rubbed my face in it with snide MySpaz remarks. I have worked things out with him - happily, thanks - but how do I deal with the thoughts of following her to her blue-light-disco-with-booze hang out and "painting" the concrete steps or a toilet bowl '(More Than) A Hint Of Slut's Face'?
Someone mentioned Polichicks. Are any plans in the works for an election night party this time?
Are the opening lines of Dan Kelly's Drunk on Election Night a reference to your '04 shindig?
I sometimes tell people that "election night is my Brownlow Medal count" only to be met with regret-inducing bewilderment or sniggers. Do you appreciate the drama of a good poll coverage or would you rather watch beefy bogans sit around in tuxedoes while someone says one, two and three a lot?
Finally: Did you take in any of this year's St Kilda Film Festival?
Ms Fits,
My friend recently spotted you at the Hollywood Hotel drinking with a certain ABC celebrity. Was it a hot romantic date, or does everyone at the ABC just hang out with each other all the time?
In response to Djali's winter solstice dress code dilemma;
I, every year, hold a celebration at this time, but dress code is strictly enforced. As it marks the shortest day of the year the obvious choice of costume is-shorts.
Fitzy, did you see the shocking ms. silverman in 'The Aristocrats'
Don't worry about Tracy's possible funbag augmentation...the first time I spied her hosting ACA at Fed. Square I'm fairly certain I saw her lips flapping in the breeze. She looked like make up had stuck a couple of zeppelins on her face. Instantly she was transformed into just another zero cred journo.
Question....at what stage do women start thinking of such self abuse? Who is this done for generally? Does it improve self esteem or is it just plain vanity?
My advice...tell the carpet strolling executives and clipboard carrying producers to fuck off.
hey fits,
whatever has become of Clem? She hasne blogged on The Age for, well, an age, and she's even stopped doing her singles reviews... has she made good on her threat to go sit in a hut?
I do hope it's that and that she's having a lovely time, she's seemed to be rather down of late. Hugs to her from me.
Dear Fits,
Saw that utterly adorable photo of your good self with young Master Pekin in The Age. Seven shades of cute!! He clearly had blogging ambitions (or suchlike) he was writing for the aforementioned august publication a year or so back. Did you read any of his entertaining columns in the sports section and why did he not think to post that picture of his number one fan (and soon to be newspaper stablemate)? Keep up your sparkling work which brings light to our online lives.
Hey Fits,
A friend of mine spotted you having a coffee with a certain football journo and there seemed to be a bit of chemistry in the air! How long has this been going on? Is that why you are writing so many football related pieces? I can recall 3 in the last couple of weeks.
And to answer your question from a couple of weeks ago, yes I have recovered from my induced coma. The only lasting legacy of the accident is that one of my legs is about an inch shorter than the other so I have to wear an insert in one of my shoes. Kind of like Tom Cruise but without the crazy.
Warmest
Otter
Ms Fits!
Your blog and Frankie bits are a delight. [My inapproriate crushes include Artemis Fowl(fictional, 11 years old in the first book) and Larry Emdur] As soon as I get to Melbourne I will be sure to pick up The Age, too.
My question/dilemma is:
My parents are the smothering/ridiculously overprotective type, and firmly oppose anything resembling teenage frivolity. My mother in particular is deeply suspicious of any relationships (all of which have been totally plantonic) with males, to the point where she has called up parents to ensure we sleep in seperate rooms when I stay over with any of them so I won't be forcefully deflowered. The old "It's not you we distrust, it's everyone else" adage is trotted out whenever I propose venturing outside a 30km radius of the house with or without comrades, after 6pm. After spending the last few years of my teenagery more or less resigned to their domineering, I've had quite enough. For the few remaining months of my seventeenth year, is it worth the (semi-futile) conflict, or should I just wait it out and come home naked with needles stuck in my arms and a cocaine moustache the morning after my 18th, just for kicks? What, if anything, can be said/done to convince them to loosen the shackles?
P.S. I love your dresses on Book Club.
x
I was hoping to go to the Bowerbirds' EP launch on Friday night, only to find that Fibbers has lost its licence and was closed that night. Word on the street is that neighbours had been regularly complaining about noise ...
I think we should set up a community organisation called "SSNAG" (or Smith Street Noise Advocacy Group). Obvious candidates for the role of SNAG President are the people who own Blue Tiles, the security guard at Safeway, the shouty man with the two dogs, the "creative insulter" young woman and the odd "client" of DHS.
Would you be interested in joining?
Hey Skip, you don't happen to be from Eltham do you? Of the old Skipper family? Winter Solstice parties seem to be all the rage around these traps.
Anyway, a solstice party update:
We've been given a theme - Music.
I know it's not very pagan of me but I'm thinking Patti Smith because I sort of have the hair for it. My friend whose mum is throwing this wild bash is going as Labrynth David Bowie in powder-blue tights because she loves him like that. I'm not sure how the more mature women and regular attendees will take to our approach on the theme but it should provide for interesting post party blog material.
*Watch out for thrilling Winter Solstice Party review coming soon!!!*
...
Oh, it just occurred to me that this might not fit into the category of a Friday question. My apologies Ms Fits.
Friday Question:
Is that how you spell Labrynth?...Labrinth...Laberynth..Labirynth...lab...
What's wrong with me, I feel so ashamed, does this ever happen to you?
Hi,
I stumbled on your blog maybe 18 months ago when somebody left it open at work, some clever pisstake of Dubya from memory, and ever since I've been checking in from time to time in search of a laugh/while wasting time when I should be working, but I've never posted a question. It's because of a fairly unremarkable coincidence that I'm doing it now. Like everyone I eventually discovered your identity beyond blogging as you got semi-famous.
In February I started a new job as a sub-editor at the Age, and last week I subbed your piece for A2 about Tim Pekin. Subbing is weird, because 1) I'm more used to writing my own stuff, and 2) I'm constantly playing around with and changing other people's words without any personal correspondence with them. So how did you rate the experience of being subbed by me? Did you love/hate my headline and precede, etc? And how do you feel about having your work subbed in general? Just curious, it's such an impersonal collaboration between writer and sub-editor, this whole newspaper-making thing.
I took longer than usual to read your answers this week: I was busy making you a cake on the off-chance you'd put on a concert for me, and writing a new song called "All My MySpace Friends Are Porn Stars".
I fucking hate Fifi Box. And Tracy Grimshaw.
Oh, and know what else pisses me off? People who can't distinguish between ordinary abbreviations and acronyms.
MordWa's right about exception proves the rule, but that misses the point: nobody DOES use it in that sense. So in common modern usage, it's a stupid phrase.
I used to work as a scriptwriter for a corporate training video company, and some of their old old videos were presented by the Brand Power lady. She looked exactly the same 20 years ago as she does now.
(I didn't write scripts for those ones: I would have been 8 20 years ago, and as far as I could tell, the 1980s videos were written by people far younger than that)
I'm a bit scared of Sarah Silverman. I have a vision of one day meeting her and saying, "I'm a comedian too!" and she would look at me with undisguised loathing and say, "Yeah, good. Now fuck off."
I just came across the most pun-intensive one-word description for a product ever devised: "Funbelievabubble". Gorgeous, isn't it?
Who do you prefer, Sid James or Kenneth Williams? In an artistic slash comedic sense, I mean. Although feel free to ranik their sexual allures if the mood strikes you.
I am so happy that you hate Robyn Riley and Lillian Frank. "I'm looking forward to the evening so much, Lil" oh fuck off. I am, yes, happy about this. Are you happy?
I have Hi-5 songs stuck in my head. It's terrible. Have you ever noticed a subtle yet powerful undercurrent of raw sexuality pulsing throughout their whole act? Particularly Kathleen.
Hi Rizzo(as per your request in last wek's Q and A),
A couple of brief questions:
1 - Just wondering if you have ever come across a funnier Christopher Walken impression? (and if this old news to the more hipper internet types, sue me if you've seen this already).
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcKQGiih8_A
2 – Some time ago, you mentioned that you had been invited to an AFL game. My question is: did you take up the invite and if so, your thoughts on “the great game”?
Suave.
Robyn Riley, now there's a face like a bulldog chewing wasps. I'd like to see Legs11 paint the bowl red with her cracked head after another boyfriend pash attack (sorry L11, but I think you're the only one here strong enough to take her down; the simple-minded ((eg Riley)) are surprisingly strong).
My Q is a writerly one:
What sort of time management do you do to get your ever-expanding list of jobs done?
Happy Friday gorgeous Fitster,
Firstly, while I have no opinion one way or the other on Catherine, I have to say - private schools are EVIL.
It's scary how many people are just dying to send their little darlings off to some horrendously expensive venue to have them emotionally scarred and their little minds filled with the rankest of crypto-fascist, neo-conservative filth.
Believe me, I know - my beloved spent his delicate formative years in one of those institutions, where his parents paid five figure sums per year to have him told things like "the Holocaust couldn't possibly have happened because everyone KNOWS you can't make soap out of human fat!" by his science teachers, and stuffed into a cricket bag and hung out of a second floor window by older boys. =p
Anyway, my question is more personal in nature.
I have a friend, who is a delightful, if occasionally eccentric individual. She's sweet natured, funny, generous, loving, non-judgemental...basically all the things you want in a bestie.
(The eccentricities are not what I worry about, tho. I'm not exactly 'normal' myself, and I'd rather hang out with people who don't feel the need to adhere to convention anyway. =)
What I'm worried about is her looks.
I know that sounds terrible but it's really not.
What troubles me is that she's got an unfortunate orthodontic problem that pretty much prevents any man looking at her twice.
To have it fixed, she'd have to have major surgery, which she's a little afraid of, so she's been putting it off for almost 10 years now.
Personally, I couldn't care less what she looks like - she's the sister of my heart, and I adore her.
But she was recently crushed by a guy who blew her off, and that hurts me, since I know it was because of the way she looks, and I can't tell her that, because she's already had her self-esteem shredded by this jerk.
I, and all of our little group, have trotted out the trusty lines like "you were too good for him anyway" (she was) and "you'll find a better guy, you just have to put yourself out there."
But it's starting to ring a little hollow.
We're all old enough to have realised the harsh truth that while a man may end up loving you because you're a fabulous, charming individual, he's initially interested in you because of the way you look. (It's evolutionary biology - not their fault.)
And the way she looks now, no decent guy is going to be interested in her, and I'll be damned if I let her settle for less.
I feel terrible because like most of our friends, I'm happily ensconced in couple dom, and I know she's lonely and feels left out.
It's frustrating because I know that she's hurting, and I know how to fix it, but I can't make her do it, and I don't know how to make her see that she needs to get the work done, if only to give her self-esteem a boost, without making her feel ugly or that she's not a wonderful person the way she is.
Help!
Dear Gruppen-Fitser,
I understand your spine-creasing love for A Confederacy Of Dunces, but can you elucidate the rest of us as to what particularly girds your loins for John Kennedy Toole? My best friend also worships the book, and I feel like I'm missing out, even when I read all of Ignatius' dialogue to myself in Comic Book Guy's voice.
It just didn't shake my tree like Steinbeck or Greene. Help?
Also to Easily Confused, does anything authored by William Gibson stand up to Neuromancer? Pattern Recognition was pants and has put me off him a bit.
Cheers.
ps was the footbal journo Otter's mate saw you playing table footsie with the Hun's Mark Robinson ? You sly dog/ he's a keeper/ he'll look after you real nice etc.
fitsalicious,
you may be interested in david chase's first post sopranos interview....
http://blog.nj.com/alltv/2007/06/david_chase_speaks.html
any thoughts on the finale?
dear lovely mh
thank you so much for being so generous to me in answering my questions.
i would love to know what you fallback cook at home meal is? my friend and i cook often and find that a hearty risotto often involving mushrooms is ours. by the way do you cook? i hear you often refer to a lovely meal out reading a book but do you ever do the meal in?
also. on the last episode of ftbc my friend and i noticed how much you talked with passion about both books. is it our imagination that the show is heavily edited so we may miss out on your lovely musings during other shows?
i missed the first tuesday porno book club on chasers war on everything. is there any chance of it being shown again?
have a lovely weekend.
Okay, enough rot from all these other people - let's get back to what the public really wants: Me.
Is it alright with you that I neglected to respond to your wonderfully sculptured replies last week to my questions from the week before? Have I lost you there? Well, allow me to reply to them now, albeit a week late ...
"1. It's not too early to return to the madness. I think you timed it perfectly, just quietly."
Lovely. And maybe this 'once every two weeks' for full-on questions would be the way to go, leaving me to make the occasional comment only in the alternate weeks. Or am I spending too much time thinking about this, do you think?
"2. I shall be making the leap into pornographic websites some time in the next five years, when the important bits 'head south'. I wouldn't save my money if I were you; it's not going to be worth it in any way whatsoever."
Oh, you! Nobody believes that for a moment. But I'll leave the subject alone now.
"3. I didn't realise that, no. And yes, it does make you a very good friend with an abnormally sharp memory."
*blushes*
"6. Do you work for a private health insurance agent, Bevis? I am starting to detect what's known in the business as a 'hard sell'."
No, I'm just a bit bewildered by how many blue and green umbrellas they used for the ads, and how much money was wasted printing big white letters on them that said things like: "40% covered" and "25% excess" and "Believes the sky will fall on her head".
"7. I can hardly make our your last jumble of questions but it would appear you're asking me to walk around town holding a barren womb over my head which I must say is somewhat graphic and borderlining on poor taste."
That's just my charm.
And now for some new questions:
I saw Cotton's AAMI commercial on TV this week. How long ago did he film it? Did he enjoy working with the little red-headed girl? Was she unbearable? What's it like to be driving in an ad? Is there extra pressure on you that other people are scrutinising your driving style? (Or wasn't he really driving the car? No wait, don't tell me - that'll spoil the magic.
Okay, tell me.) Is it okay that these questions are all for Cotton, rather than yourself? You seem to be spotted in pubs and breakfast joints with him on a regular occasion, that's all, so I figure you can ask him these questions for me.
I NEEDS TO KNOW.
How are your parents? Are they well? Please tell them I said hi, even though they've never met me. Say it casually, like they should know who I am, and see if they pretend to know who you're talking about. If they don't tell you to say hi to me, I shall be very offended (but please don't bias the results by spoiling our little experiment).
Can I have a lollipop now?
jctrue, YouTube is your friend here. You can see the First Tuesday Porno Club here
Ms Fits, when you first watched Withnail and I, did you ever imagine that Richard E. Grant would ask you if you liked a shaved minge ?
I think I've asked you this question before, but was this one of those points where you stop and think "How did I get here ?"
Hello Marmalade,
"Also to Easily Confused, does anything authored by William Gibson stand up to Neuromancer? Pattern Recognition was pants and has put me off him a bit."
Well I dunno about pants but Pattern Recognition isn't a fave, though I enjoyed it very much.
My favourite from the two series Gibson has written: The Sprawl series- Neuromancer, Count Zero, Mona Lisa Overdrive and the Bridge Trilogy- Virtual Light, Idoru, All Tomorrow's Parties....would have to be All Tomorrow's Parties. I love Neuromancer, but ATP is just brilliant.
I also have a soft spot for Count Zero for introducing me to the fabulous work of Joseph Cornell:
http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/cornell/
what's happened to Your Wedding Night?
ooh la la!
The picture at number two is my favorite, et vu?
http://www.20minutes.fr/diaporama/105-1-0-Cyclonudistes.php
ah, nude protesting. its just so darn wholesome, and well, odd and enjoyable.
Have you ever protested in the nude? What was/would be the suitable occasion for such display in your opinion?
mydogmo
This post has been removed by the author.
My photocopier keeps saying "Toner Low".
Do you think this would be a good name for a Tone Loc tribute band?
If not, what should I call this group?
Hiya Ms Fits,
I'm hoping this makes this week's cut.
I've never met you or seen any adult photos of you, but at around 10pm Saturday the 9th, this hottie walks into Palookaville, Brunswick Street, and I just had this feeling it was you. Was it?
Aforementioned hottie gave me one look (I was seated quite near the gallery door), dropped her head with a small, shy smile, and walked upstairs to what I thought was the gallery. I wandered upstairs a while later (I only wanted to say 'Hi' and offer to buy you -- or so I thought -- a drink) but this person had disappeared. There were no trap doors in sight; I checked. I've been scratching my dome ever since. If that was you would you mind putting me out of my misery? Also, in case I happen to stumble across you at some joint in my beloved Fitzroy, would you be offended if a total stranger (and a real fan, I might add) came over, stuttered "Hello" and offered to get you the poison of your choice?
As an aside, how're you bearing up what with the revved up vitriol from some posters of late?
oh dear god,
I meant photos of you as an adult!
Dearest Ms Fits,
How many otters would fit inside a watering can? Enquiring minds want to know. Or at least my drunken friends. Some of whom actually are emotionally troubled brunettes, so you might be in luck there ;)
Comments are closed.