If these walls could only bark.
So yesterday I was nursing a reasonably sore head and over the course of the afternoon (there was wine involved) became utterly convinced that I'd heard my dog speak.
Me: Did everyone hear that? Bob Ellis just said 'meat'! She said 'meat'! SAY IT AGAIN.
Bob Ellis: ........
Me: 'Meat'. Say it again. 'Meeeat'. 'Meeeeeat.'
Bob Ellis: ........
Hotman: Maybe she just got an upset stomach.
Me: She did not just get an upset stomach. She spoke. She said 'meat'. She is a very intelligent dog.
Hotman: If she's so intelligent, why does she eat her own poo?
Me: DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU'VE TRIED IT, WISEY.
*****************
Anyway, because I have a great deal of time on my hands I searched for talking dogs on You Tube and found the following little slices of heaven to share with you. Please note these canines speak with varying degrees of success. Please also note that I am an imbecile.
Creepy? Absolutely. But kind of winsome at the same time. If the Olsen twins were dogs they would look like this.
This dog isn't officially talking, but the animal is in possession of such a richly comedic head I felt duty bound to share. Also: that noise would annoy the fucking shit out of you if you lived near a busy intersection.
This is what 'I love you' would sound like if you slept next to a nine-year-old boy possessed by Satan and held a gun to his head in the mornings demanding his affection. Christ. Everyone in the audience is acting like this dog is really quite sweet but CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FUCKING LISTEN.
See, if your dog is going to talk you'd probably want it to sound like this whilst gazing at you with those dreamy Bowie eyes. Let's also all agree that the lady with the camera is the living definition of lonely. I'm happy to sound like a repetitive deranged idiot when I talk to my dog, but you won't catch me filming myself and putting it up on the internet.
This one is my all time favourite, not least because Prince's owner closely resembles Morten Harket from A-ha living out a secret life as a rockabilly plumber.
And this is what we like to call in the talking-dog world 'clutching at straws'. This canine does not say 'I love you'. He does not say 'I don't want to'. He says 'raor raor raor' and then gets a biscuit. HE MOST CERTAINLY ALSO DOES NOT SAY 'ERIC CLAPTON' AND PLEASE EXPLAIN WTF YOU WERE THINKING ASKING HIM TO SAY THESE WORDS AND WHY THANK YOU.
Comments
*pointing* @ You.
Of course *your* dog is 'special' and rooly does talk to you when the two of you are alone together... same as my dog actually...
If Bob Ellis had spoken, he would have offered a better suggestion than 'meat' to help you get through the hangover. (Would've been something with more grease, like a hamburger with the lot.)
P.S. I have a budgerigar.
It doesn't talk.
*beat that*
Bob Ellis is going to write my annual bulk Christmas letter. At this stage I'm thinking it may have a meat motif.
Tenor, of course.
Will he open with "To all our Pals and Chums"?
Quietly, I jot this one down, to admit it in my next Confession ...
I'm sorry, but none of these hold a candle to Oh Long Johnson the talking cat. Why I eyes ya!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONmhQJy1ViA
Yes fits, you do have too much time. But not nearly as much as the poor people who recorded those videos.
Fits, at least your pet has chosen to say a word that doesn't insult you.
Ahh, talking cats... is there anything better?
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=eV71mpbvl-g
Are you sure she wasn't just repeating the words of ancient neanderthals?
The real question is, did she know what it meant...
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury my bone, not to praise it.
P.S. That dog is fucking creepy. It makes me glad that mine is dopey/lovable and just barks....
Mine is the smartest.
Send biscuit.
/STEEEAAAKKK
What a time to go blind. I cannot see any pictures (apart from the diabolical looking chihuahuas immediately above).
Is it me?
"The real question is, did she know what it meant..."
Well, did she eat meat? Or a lentil burger and bunch of grapes or something?
Meat, I bet you.
I'm a little tired of how the epistemological standpoint of dogs is being continually belittled.
I have a couple of queens living upstairs from me, lovely boys but totally incapable. Types of chap who couldn't do their own shoelaces and who get confused when traffic lights have a left turn arrow. You know?
They have a little Scotty dog. Very dour and serious. Never smiles. Looks at them performing their antics with a steady, bemused, slightly smirking but otherwise rueful and impassive gaze.
The apartment is immaculate and the dance music goes off promtly at 10.00pm every evening.
So, who do you think is enforcing the discipline up there? The two hairdressers on party drugs?
Or the dog? Hmmm?
They're all words so technically he's talking.
On a related note, if dogs are a man's best friend and diamonds a girl's best friend- who doesn't love Diamond Dogs? Or any other Bowie album for that matter.
The sentiment is very clear, its just the lack of a proper tongue that stymies her expression.
I'm going to have nightmares after seeing the pic of those chihuahuas!!
Lack of a proper education, not tongue
He has an oeuvre? Well, he does have the second and third worst Oz films ever made, which I guess is an oeuvre.
'Japanese Story' is the worst. I'd never seen a film where the last scene ran for 52 minutes.
*
My cat can't speak, but over 11 years I have managed to translate her meows. She only has three things to say, ever, and they are:
Hi,
Food, and
Fuck off.
Hotman: If she's so intelligent, why does she eat her own poo?
Me: DON'T KNOCK IT TIL YOU'VE TRIED IT, WISEY.
I hope this isn't a confession... too much information!
" 'Japanese Story' is the worst."
That was to ensure it got an AFI Award. The greatest insult you can direct at any Australian film maker is to suggest his or her movie:
• may be a commerical success
• may be fun.
Oh, god! There goes the baby... But this will work!
"Let me out" and
"Pat me/rub my belly".
I read a good quote the other day (can't remember where): Dogs are slapstick. Cats are sarcasm.
Perhaps it's just as well that they can't really talk.
I prefer pangolins.
"I briefly heard a reference, on the morning show, to someone drinking their own urine."
That would be former Indian Prime Minister Morarjee Desai drinking his own piss.
Puts Kevin Rudd's earwax eating incident into some perspective, doesn't it?
My pangolin's breath smells like bananas.
What do you mean, 'sore head'? Were you drunk? Stoned? Over-smoked? I don't know what the hell you're on about. Talk sense. What sort of wine? There are thousands. Fool. Did you wake up in a puddle of puke? You probably were drunk then. Serves you right. It might have been somebody else's dog, or one of those toys from the two dollar shop. What dya think about that? You're an idiot.
You will most likely develop arse cancer you know?
Just sayin'
Peace
Or is it just a plain old vicious cycle?
Have a wine, have a hangover, have a wine to get over the hangover, have another hangover...
They are distantly related to all carnivores, but pre-date them, and are the only genus in their family, and the only family in their order.
I want one, though.
It wasn't the wine was it? In my experience, and I’ve had plenty, there is only one drug that will cause animals to talk....perhaps this Hotman fella slipped you a Mickey. I sincerely hope that your consciousness was expanded.
"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern."
William Blake's The Marriage of Heaven and Hell:
I'd feed mine kittens.
"They are distantly related to all carnivores, but pre-date them...."
That can't be right. Pangolins are mammals. You must mean they are distantly related to all carnivorous mammals...
Are you accusing Bob Ellis of taking drugs?
Baby got a brand new pangolin
and party with llamas
while your breath stunk of banana
in sunny havana?
Dogs wink.
I swear it's a proven fact.
Yet half of my friends don't believe me.
My dog, Sam, winks. I say "do it again!" and what does it do? Nothing.
It's not a once-off and it's not just my dog. It is a semi-regular dog action. But they never wink more than once per couple of days.
It just that i haven't caught the winking on camera.... yet.
I meant Carnivora, but.
Off to Havana
with breath of banana
and hair of Llama
Dressed like a Rajah
I will smoke marijuana
Interested?
With the aid of a hookah
Whilst dressed as a rajah
And Lolling with llamas
In sunny Havana?
I would if I could, yes surely I would
Regardless of banana breath
Or the odd ways you dress
But I’ve not the mullah
To fly to Havana
To hang with the llamas
Smoking marijuana
Besides, I’m sunburnt
"Hmmm ... you know you've hit the blog scene big time when even a mediocre story about your dog not speaking gets 75 posts ...."
Face facts. If it wasn't for all those pictures circulating of Marieke with the hint of cleavage and the red lipstick, it would probably get about as many hits as Indymedia Minsk or maybe Webdiary.
no!
really?
she has breasts?
*covets hard drive*
Arf arf!
Comments are closed.