These are all written by the same potentially deranged person.
1. TITS ARE GREAT!
2. SPAGHETTI IS NICE
3. BUM JUICE.
4. (with bad picture of crocodile) KIDS - DON'T TAKE DRUGS!
5. NUDITY - RIGHT ON, MAN! (with picture of naked man jumping for joy).
0 comments.
DIDN'T: 1. Go to Angus Sampson's party. The genius dress code? Come as either a schoolgirl or a PE teacher.
2. Go to the Baker street Prohibition party. Complete with go-go dancers, a band with a horn section and a midnight raid.
3. Go to
The Spazzys cd launch at the Tote.
4. Go to a cocktail party at Ting Palace.*
DID: 1. Watch
Carrie on DVD.
2. Eat Vietnamese food for GTD's birthday and thus witness Gone-Too-Far waiter who got stuck on my
best friend .
As follows:
EXCHANGE #1:
Him (to Gabi): You've been here before, haven't you?
Gabi: Um. I think so.
Him (frighteningly insistent, leaning close and breathing heavily): No, you have, you have. You sat just over there, at the other table.
Gabi: Okay then.
Him (brightening, leaning back from threatening pose): It's nice to see you again!
Gabi: Okay. Thank-you.
EXCHANGE #2:
Him: Here's your food.
Gabi: Wow, great. There's a lot of it.
Him: That's okay. If you eat too much you can go out dancing afterwards. You like to dance don't you? You can dance like this (demonstrates vigorous shaking movements). I can't dance. I'm a terrible dancer. I dance like this (demonstrates what seems to be man with cerebral palsy strangling live chicken). But you (gazing adoringly at her, exhaling deeply)...you should dance.
Gabi: Okay then.
EXCHANGE #3:
Him (staring unashamedly at Gabi's ample bosom protruding from her bright red dress as though in a trance): You know, we have a cow upstairs.
Gabi: Excuse me?
Him: Baby cow. A statue of a baby cow. You should be careful.
Gabi: (blank expression, casting worried look at me who is gaping, open-mouthed at the waiter) Oh...right.
Him: Because you are wearing a red dress. If the cow sees you...wow! (mimes horned bull charging) He'll go crazy! For your red dress!
Gabi: Oh right, I see. Well...thank-you.
Him (loudly, disturbing nearby diners): WATCH OUT FOR THE COW, HAHA!
EXCHANGE #4:
Him (putting down drink in front of Gabi): Here. You want some mud cake? I think you should have some mud cake.
Gabi: No thanks.
Him (moving around to give GTD his drink, unable to take his eyes off Gabi and stumbling on a step): Oh my god! Oh my god!
GTD: It's alright. Doesn't matter.
Him: No! I'll get you another one! I've never seen that step before! Oh my god! (beats rapid retreat, wringing hands and cursing self on way back to the bar)
EXCHANGE #5:
Him (noting that Gabi's boyfriend Luscy is outside having a cigarette): I just have to say that you look very gorgeous tonight. You look very gorgeous in your red dress.
Gabi: Thank-you.
Him: No, the red, it just...you look so gorgeous. So beautiful. I know you have a boyfriend, but I just wanted to say this. I must say this.
Gabi (starting to become acutely embarrassed and uncomfortable): Okay. Thanks.
Him (suddenly noticing that I'm at the table too, hastily tacking on compliment so I don't feel left out): Oh. You look nice too.
Me: Gee. Thanks.
EXCHANGE #6:
Him (as we're leaving): So nice to see you again! (Suddenly acting like pantomime schoolteacher, comically wagging finger at Gabi) I'll go get the cow! Be careful! I'll go get the cow! WATCH OUT FOR THE COW!
I always knew my best friend was hot and enchanted men, but last night it simply got in the way of our fucking meal. She'll either have to learn to strap those puppies up or accept that one day some love-struck fool will stumble and tip a plate of bolognaise sauce down her front.
*Yes, I am very popular and get invited to many parties. It is a cross I must bear because I am so utterly charming.
2 comments.
1. John Lethlean,
Age food critic.
Not only did I email him to give him the hot tip about flagship Fitzroy restaurant
Growlers turning into a
Claypots , but I also asked him out to dinner. This resulted in a few innocuously ribald emails going back and forth until he agreed, which is credit to the pure, unadulterated force that is my charm. Naturally when Tuesday's Epicure came out I expected at least a nod to the 'source', or even for his restaurant review to begin with the words: 'A charming and good-looking reader suggested this week's review of Maisonette...'
Surprisingly, nothing. Now I'm starting to worry about where to take him and how he's going to behave at the restaurant. Is he going to poke at the food and take sly photos with his camera phone?
2. Bob Ellis, genius.
There's nothing more I can do or say with regard to Bob Ellis without being seen as a professional stalker. I have mentioned him when being interviewed about my
clothing label . I have named my dog after him. I even wrote him a pithy and not uninteresting letter about the time I called the White House during the Iraq war. All I'm asking for is a little political guidance during tumultuous times. Or a paragraph about how impressed he is by me and my achievements in his regular Encore column.
3.
Bill Bryson , travel writer.
And before you can say 'genial old cunt whose books only middle-class parents read', this was nine years ago when I was slightly less sophisticated and effortlessly chic than I am now. I wrote B.Bryson a letter lavishly praising his prose and boastfully dropping the fact that not only did I
write for Neighbours (which anyone knows is a sure-fire way to get into another writers' pants), but I could also
take him on a tour of Ramsay street when he came to Australia to pen another best-selling tome. Surprisingly, he not only DID NOT TAKE ME UP ON MY THOUGHTFUL OFFER, he also failed to mention either Neighbours or myself in his book 'Sunburned Country'.
4.
David Sedaris , sardonic gay man.
I didn't really expect David Sedaris to write a short story about me - and, considering the occasionally vicious way he portrays his family members, I'm not certain I want him to - but having at least had the foresight to be 'into' him before everyone else was 'into' him, he could have chucked a bon mot my way.
1 comment.
More
'funny' internet sites . Sad to say, this one made me laugh so hard I got milk nose.
I wish the boy in the pictures was my son so I could make fun of him every day.
Thanks to beloved old school friend Matthew J Bevis for the link. He was then, and remains today, funnier than any of those fucking braying inbred morons we attended high school with.
0 comments.
BOB ELLIS PRESS CONFERENCE ON STEPS OF COURT
REPORTER: How much do you regret it?
ELLIS: Oh a great deal. I'd rather have had my book, which was a No. 1 bestseller when it was withdrawn, continue to be sold, and my bills to be paid that year. And my children to have grown up in a house that was completed. Of course I regret it.
REP: Do you offer any apology to the Costellos and Abbotts for the words that were published?
ELLIS: (Sigh).
REP: Do you feel sorry for them in any way?
ELLIS: Oh I suppose so, I suppose so. No. I'll think on those things, I'm tired.
REP: Is Mrs Costello fair game?
ELLIS: Fair game for what.
REP: For what you published about her?
ELLIS: God you're all horrible.
END FILE FOOTAGE
1 comment.
According to
Slugger :
1. On the way to the Airport, there is a shop called Gay Drapes.
2.
Bob Ellis drives around in a battered red Volvo station wagon for all the world to see.
3. Someone is putting on a musical production of
Debbie Does Dallas .
0 comments.
I whinge and complain about interstitial cystitis and how debilitating it is but stubbornly refuse to stop drinking alcohol or change my diet for the better.
1 comment.
