Part one:
Famous People I Have Seen Out and About and Where I Have Seen Them. 1. Noel Gallagher, Bangkok Airport
2. Billy Zane, outside
Zabars in NY. Yes, I have travelled and am very worldly.
3. Janet from Spiderbait and Quan from Regurgitator, holding hands on the corner of Rathdowne and Queensberry streets in Carlton. A long time ago, when they were still an item, obviously.
4. Robert 'don't call me Millsy' Mills, Festival Hall in 'VIP' area for Justin Timberlake concert, taking copious mental notes and nodding seriously.
Part two: Famous People I Have Seen and some Stupid Things I Have Said To Them.
1. Eric Bana , Chopper premiere. Me (possibly drunkest I've ever been, poison dwarf boyfriend vomiting in rubbish bin nearby): 'Heyyou...Imwunna yore wriders! I wride what you say onn somethinin the air ! IMWUNNA YORE WRIDERS!' Him (polite): 'Oh, lovely.'
2. Patti Smith. Her: 'Hi, how's it going?' Me: (frozen with fear) 'Food'.
3. Adorable as fuck travel writer Bill Bryson . Me (chirpy): 'I write for Neighbours!' Him: "That's nice."
4. Porn Maverick Ron Jeremy . Me: 'Why yes, of course you can pinch my nipple.'*
5. Radiohead's Thom Yorke. Me (chasing him down Fitzroy street St.Kilda): 'Wait, wait!' Him (turning reluctantly, scowling): 'What?' Me: 'Um. Nice gig last night.' Him: 'Yeah.' Me: Blank. Him: Shuffling off, still scowling.
6. Mike D from the Beastie Boys. Me: 'Your fly's undone.'
7. Daryl Hannah. Me: 'Hope your birthday's a real 'SPLASH!'' (it was on a card I made for her, complete with picture of mermaid. I was eight years old and unbelievably gay.)
8. Fabrizio Moretti from the Strokes. Me (leaping off tram, perspiring freely, tearing headphones away from ears, shoving past fellow commuters): 'Hey! Hey! I REALLY LIKED YOUR GIG ON SUNDAY!' Him (turning to, bless his heart, clasp my hands warmly in his as though no-one had ever said this to him before): 'OH MY GOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH!' Me (dizzy with lust, turning to barrel clumsily through remaining four Strokes): 'Gargh.'
9. MCA from the Beastie Boys. Me (on learning that he was reading some Tibetan book about compassion or something): 'But what do you read for fun ?' Him: 'This.'
*This is absolutely true, I promise. I'll post the polaroid.
7 comments.
Watched the inaugural
Jack Awards on Foxtel last night (instead of an awards
podium , let's have a
bar . Get it? Because Jack Daniels is
alcohol and musicians
drink to excess . Genius).
My, the Australian music industry can be fun.
Our very own 'supergroup' performed Cold Chisel's Star Hotel. Sarah McLachlan from SuperJesus, one of those two guys who aren't Daniel Johns from Silverchair, 'The Funny One' from Powderfinger and that mad genius bastard Luke Steele from
The Sleepy Jackson. What did they call themselves? Why, SuperFingersSleepyChair of course. What a lark!
So through mouthfuls of dried figs and a great deal more alcohol, I dreamily invented* the supergroups who SHOULD have played:
Blackeyed Girls' Dirty Blobs
Fighting Baby God
Three Spazzys, No Monkeys
Even Dark Susans Like Fellatio
Killing Cat Empire In Helsinki (I know that one's kind of lame. I just wanted to do something that showed how fucking gay the Cat Empire is. Check out my rapier-sharp wit, oooh.)
Your Git Sounds Beautiful
Magic Double Steamer Night**
Alex Lloyd Is A Big Fat Twat. ***
* You too can play this extra-fun game in your own time! I used bands from the Aus Music Scrapbook but you can choose your own pub rock favourites! WATCH THE HOURS FLY BY!
**Even though the idea of watching Adalita from Magic Dirt, the Double Agents, By Ferry Or Steamer and Your Wedding Night team up to create music makes me very happy, somehow the notion of finding a restaurant that was holding a Magic Double Steamer Night pleases me more. Sorry.
***This one isn't a supergroup. He really is a big fat twat.
1 comment.
If
this song isn't about hand-jobs then I don't know what is.
Makes you wonder about that other rousing Scout classic,
'Do Wally'.
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- There is now a definite age group of people it’s morally wrong for you to come on to.
- You’re not the cute, outrageous one in the office who everyone wants to fuck anymore. You’re a little bit sad, if truth be known.
- You finally discover the secret that your mother didn’t tell you: your tits don’t droop down. They droop
sideways .
- When young boys get nervous around you, it’s not because you’re hot. It’s because you’re a grown-up and you’re asking them questions. Can they go now, please?
- Those ‘children of the 80’s' lists have been replaced by ‘children of the 90’s' lists. And some of the references go over your head.
- You can actually be friends with someone who was born after Expo ’88.
- Listening to ironic early 90’s pop tunes is not cutting edge. It’s gay. (see: 4-Non Blondes 'What's Up', Red Hot Chili Peppers 'Under the Bridge', Spin Doctors 'Two Princes' etc)
-Certain people you've met cannot remember a time when the Simpsons was not on television.
-It's starting to look stupid when you wear your hair in pigtails.
-You buy things from op shops you actually need, instead of infant-sized duffle coats,
60's kitchen wares and
paintings of children with big, sad eyes .
1 comment.
Merlin Luck is a genius. On Sunday night, Big Brother 4 evictee Merlin threw the live show into chaos when he decided to make a stand against the government's treatment of refugees.
I think it was one of the most beautiful, brave, and surreal moments I've ever seen on Australian television.
Usually when someone speaks out publicly about something I believe in, they let me down by being either a) stutteringly nervous, b) underprepared or c) a hippy. Merlin, however, played everything perfectly. From his steadfast refusal to utter a word on the eviction stage (thereby letting the protest speak for itself), to his concise, unemotional explanation under the aggressive questioning of dragon lady Gretel Killeen the following night - everything was handled with statesman-like aplomb. Truly, reality television got real.
As usual, some wag on ebay found a way to rake in some quick bucks. Do people even pause for breath before dreaming up the novelty item?
I think this is taking it a bit far though.
1 comment.
Zulkey added my fat fiction to her website after I threatened her with violence.
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Oh, the joys of being exposed to an
Elle MacPherson exercise video. Watch as, with nuggety Karen Voight at the helm, Elle flings her gangly limbs from side to side, occasionally chirpily interjecting with such witty bon mots as: 'I feel like I'm in the army!' 'Watch out Michael Jordan!' 'If you've got long arms like mine, you might need to bend your elbows a little!' and 'Swim, swim, swim, swim!'.
Possibly the only thing more enjoyable than watching MacPherson hoik her fist-sized buttocks rhythmically up and down whilst chummily intoning to the camera: 'Boy - this is where I really need the most work!' is the despairing look on Voight's face whenever the supermodel opens her mouth. Or maybe it's watching Elle get confused when the movements switch rapidly from right to left. Or perhaps when she looks mournfully down at her stained leotard and wails 'Body done wee wees!'*
* I may have made this last one up.
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