Reasons You Will Hate Me

37 comments

Still not sorry.

Questions one may ask of ~~my one true love~~ Andrew Bolt at his special book luncheon party:

1. Did you update the photo on your profile because the old one made you look like you swallowed a tyre or was it just time for a fresh start?

2. Are you there god? It's me, Margaret.

3. Did you really mean it when you said I was pushing society into an abyss of moral decay, or do you you actually fancy me a bit and want to get my attention?

4. Which is better, The Simpsons or Family Guy? Think carefully before you answer.

5. WHAT IS UP WITH THE BLACKS AND ALL THAT ARTS FUNDING?

6. Will there be cake?

7. Do you think the general public are aware that fellow Herald-Sun columnist Sally Morrell is your missus?

8. Do you reckon she ever pushes through some of your agendas in her Bolt-lite columns or is she just super 'into', you know, stuff?

9. Ain't she a peach?

10. What do people in China call their good plates?

11. If you HAD to choose between admitting the reality of global warming or the injustice of the war in Iraq, which would you choose?

12. Sphincter says what?

13. Admit it. YOU ARE TAKING THE PISS*.

*not technically a question, but it may put him on the spot.

We have to go. Surely we must.

653 days til the next election.

37 comments.

Comments

26Jan11:24

Dxxxx said...

Please go. And report back (of course).

Give him one for me. (No not one of THOSE, just some schtick)

Dxxxx

26Jan11:34

Peter said...

I'd love to go, but I fear it will become a bit of a vitriol-fest, which will only give Bolta ammo for the "lefties are filthy rabble scum" line he pushes.

Then again, it might be worthwhile solely to raise his rumoured (and utterly unsubstantiated) penchant for "dominating" his ladies when it comes to the bedroom arts.

Wear a satin scarf, Fits, who knows what he'll do with it given half a chance and one glass too many of News Ltd Cab Sav 2004. (Today's moral dilemma: is being tethered and seen to by Andrew Bolt one step too far in the "something to blog about" direction?)

26Jan11:35

ms fits said...

I think we all know there is no such thing as a 'step too far' in the 'something to blog about' direction.

*purchases silk scarf*

26Jan11:48

LadyCracker said...

I would love to go and I have just the outfit.

26Jan11:52

my dog sends me telepathic commands said...

I love Sally's fetching Miller's Fashion Club round-neck top!

Nothing says "dowdy Liberal chic" like a don't-stand-too-close-to-a-naked-flame synthetic blend passion killer.

By the way, aren't they sending a dangerous message to their children? She hasn't publicly taken the Bolt nomen to identify their everlasting union. What sort of degenerate modernity is this? We give up our traditions lightly, and soon we'll all be eating falafel for breakfast.

26Jan11:54

ms fits said...

How dare you bring your towelhead-loving rhetoric into my comments, mdsmtc.

26Jan12:17

sublime-ation said...

I'm so there.
It's tempting to fly all my Aboriginal mates down from the NT to quiz him on the title of his book.
Especially the Stolen Generation ones.

26Jan12:30

sublime-ation said...

and ps MDSMTC: No, she's a real goer who understands sexy feminism in regards to dress sense.

26Jan12:32

buzz said...

I loved the grabs from SM's columns in the Hun. This one I found particularly attractive:

"IF I were that widow in court last week, I might have fought just as hard to have a baby by my dead husband."

My heart skipped a beat. Oh sweet day, if only.

26Jan12:34

ms fits said...

oh god, I thought the same thing. Though my visions were more of Rusty's frozen spermatoza being coaxed from his deadened member.

26Jan12:55

my dog sends me telepathic commands said...

sublime-ation:

Wow.

I stand corrected regarding Sally's playful coquettishness!

The benefits of this lunch are getting more and more tempting.

Think of the bounty on offer:-

1) a visit to the spiritually uplifting Crown complex, replete with kids wandering confused around the food court asking "where's Mummy and Daddy?" while Ann Peacock's head looms out of video screens spruiking variety shows

2) live Bolt

and...

3) The possibility of staring at his wife's strategically displayed self-empowering tits.

$60 dollars? Cheap at twice the price!

26Jan13:21

sublime-ation said...

Perhaps I should wear a push-up bra and low-cut top to temporarily distract him so as you can all kidnap him and take him to somewhere appropriate for his education, like Compton, or Kintore?

26Jan13:23

Golfing Motif said...

I just came up with a great idea for a new hilarious sitcom in the vein of "Everybody Loves Raymond". Called "Moral & Bolter", It features two vitriolic newspaper hacks who find true love among the cubicles in a big city tabloid editorial office. They spawn three young Liberals, and dream of eradicating the lefty scum who threaten their idyllic existence with the harsh light of reality.

Know anyone who writes a bit?

26Jan13:30

tantrik said...

buzz said...
I loved the grabs from SM's columns in the Hun. This one I found particularly attractive:

"IF I were that widow in court last week, I might have fought just as hard to have a baby by my dead husband."

I agree that necrophilia should be legalised.

However, more importantly, who would pay $60 to listen to Andrew Bolt? The man is a humorless, vile smirker. Is he a bon vivant with interesting epicurean vignettes? No. A raconteur of some note? No.
He is Piers Ackerman without the porcine heritage and obvious affection for all things culinary. Even if he was from the left, he would be repulsive. Boycott!

26Jan13:57

Anonymous said...

can't wait for the sequel:

"again with the still not sorry"

awesome sentence structure for a journo.

And out of all the chairs in the world, did he have to pick the one where he reinforces the prevailing opinion that there is a mutant 6ft carrot firmly lodged up his spine thru the rectum?

"Aristocrats"

hahaha....wha?

26Jan14:11

Jeremy said...

Yes, I'd been wondering what he'd been up to lately.

But this launch - I thought it was a lunchtime meet & greet sort of thing at somewhere like Dymocks or Readings.

I hadn't realised he wanted you to PAY him for listening to an advertisement for his book.

Still, if his adoring fans are right, the Hun sells BILLIONS OF COPIES A DAY to readers ANXIOUS TO LAP UP ANDREW'S PROFOUND WORDS OF COMMON SENSE.

So I'm sure HWT won't need to pulp too many copies when it's shuffled off the shelves in a month or two.

26Jan14:15

Sherriff said...

I wonder if when they are leaving the house and his wife shouts out to him, "ARE YOU READY ANDREW?"

He replies, "Still not Sally"

And they giggle and do that after laugh affectionate sigh at each other.

This may well be my last comment ever.

26Jan14:30

la nadine said...

*books ticket to melbourne on day of book launch*

*buys "sensible" outfit in order fit in with crowd*

*and raunchy knickers*

26Jan15:10

duk said...

Oh it's too good. Fits, I think you should take all your girlfriends, even the ones who only LOOK like girls, and work that man hard.

Strategically place yourselves around the room so no matter where he looks, a vision in vixen-ness is offering him love like he has never known before.

Have the girlfriends tempt him with wit and wisdom, and breasts if necessary.

It shouldn't take long before one of the girlfriends hits the target and escapes to an upstairs room with his royal boltness for a couple of hours of absolute pleasure.

At which point you walk in ....
(and I invite my fellow bloggers to continue from here...).

Duk.

26Jan15:19

Woodsman said...

I find it most interesting that the meal would cost more than $60 so essentially A&R are paying for you people to go - confident of sales and all that...

But more importantly, I must say that the "Are you there god...?" line was sheer gold. I also find that "Dad, I have so much to tell you" is a pleasant addition to any conversation.

PS Do u think there is a quicker way to out yourself than by quoting Judy Blume? - or is that a Friday question?

26Jan15:24

ms fits said...

If it's a Friday question then it must go in last Friday's post, Woodsman. And do you mean outing me or you?

26Jan17:27

problematic said...

I think you should take all your girlfriends, even the ones who only LOOK like girls, and work that man hard.

sooo... herein lies many a challenge...

(a) appropriate/inaapropriate attire

(b) whether to eat the cucumber sandwiches as the crusts will be removed - therefore no chance of getting curly hair like sally's (she straightens her fringe) *jealous sneer*

(c) whether to lunge for her or him when the nod is given and our eyes lock...

p.s sherriff its entirely unfair to threaten us like that...

26Jan17:40

..Lucy.. said...

Good lord. that's my second Wayne's World reference today. what are the chances?

(yes, that's a rhetorical question, but feel free to make funny with it. you will anyway...)

26Jan17:59

Sydleft said...

'Here, due to the non-visual nature of radio broadcasting she has been allowed to maintain a low-key job hosting a little known show on a community radio station under a false name.'

Hehe, did she do that herself I wonder.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marieke_Hardy

26Jan18:09

sublime-ation said...

I don't think so, Sydleft, as not even the birth date is right.

26Jan18:28

B. S. Fairman said...

Which series of the Simpsons? Series Ten and Eleven really blow. Sure they are funny but they are nothing compared to the monorail episode that I watching at the moment.
Sorry a bit off the point.

26Jan18:30

brokenleg said...

If the chasers don't go to this event, then I shall be most displeased.
They could ask, Andrew if he has ever been wrong ever in his life.

26Jan19:29

Anonymous said...

If Demir Dokic still wants to nuke Australia and/or kill someone... can we direct him to Bolts house? Anyone know the address?

26Jan20:49

Desci said...

omgomgomg. I would love to go to this. And I would also love to see four middle aged, tubby white men DWARFED by several dozen filthy lefties/students/assorted hipsters, in all their smirking finery.

26Jan23:04

Little Mr Square Eyes said...

Possibly it's just me but the cover photo of Andy on "shrill not sorry" (or whatever) looks suspiciously like he's leaning over on one cheek to let one rip.

Ahh, another column is born.

27Jan00:00

Anonymous said...

You guys are bastards! Bolt is a grat guy! All the more so considering he makes his living comparing the Greens with Nazis, and fiddling with children...

27Jan17:51

miss p. said...

OMG, I had no idea Sally Morals is his wife?

On reflection that shouldn't surprise me at all.

28Jan17:29

Kartar said...

Surely some generous non-News Ltd paper would fork $60 dollars out for a freelancer to do a piece on Andrew's new masterpiece (sic) ...?

29Jan17:11

Anonymous said...

Just found out that surprise, surprise Andrew Bolt didn't actually finish his degree but instead took up a cadetship at....The Age. He was also once political advisor for the ALP. My, my how times have changed!
Would be really intrigued to see his choice to the pick between global warming (yes Andrew it exists) and the liberation of Iraq by the "Coalition of the Killing".

30Jan09:16

Anonymous said...

30Jan11:22

Anonymous said...

Feel free to spread the word

Search

Recently

Events

Links

Reasons you will hate me

Still not sorry.

Comments