Reasons you will hate me

Things I Did/Didn't Do Last Night.

DIDN'T:


1. Go to Angus Sampson's party. The genius dress code? Come as either a schoolgirl or a PE teacher.
2. Go to the Baker street Prohibition party. Complete with go-go dancers, a band with a horn section and a midnight raid.
3. Go to The Spazzys cd launch at the Tote.
4. Go to a cocktail party at Ting Palace.*




DID:


1. Watch Carrie on DVD.
2. Eat Vietnamese food for GTD's birthday and thus witness Gone-Too-Far waiter who got stuck on my best friend .


As follows:


EXCHANGE #1:
Him (to Gabi): You've been here before, haven't you?
Gabi: Um. I think so.
Him (frighteningly insistent, leaning close and breathing heavily): No, you have, you have. You sat just over there, at the other table.
Gabi: Okay then.
Him (brightening, leaning back from threatening pose): It's nice to see you again!
Gabi: Okay. Thank-you.


EXCHANGE #2:
Him: Here's your food.
Gabi: Wow, great. There's a lot of it.
Him: That's okay. If you eat too much you can go out dancing afterwards. You like to dance don't you? You can dance like this (demonstrates vigorous shaking movements). I can't dance. I'm a terrible dancer. I dance like this (demonstrates what seems to be man with cerebral palsy strangling live chicken). But you (gazing adoringly at her, exhaling deeply)...you should dance.
Gabi: Okay then.


EXCHANGE #3:
Him (staring unashamedly at Gabi's ample bosom protruding from her bright red dress as though in a trance): You know, we have a cow upstairs.
Gabi: Excuse me?
Him: Baby cow. A statue of a baby cow. You should be careful.
Gabi: (blank expression, casting worried look at me who is gaping, open-mouthed at the waiter) Oh...right.
Him: Because you are wearing a red dress. If the cow sees you...wow! (mimes horned bull charging) He'll go crazy! For your red dress!
Gabi: Oh right, I see. Well...thank-you.
Him (loudly, disturbing nearby diners): WATCH OUT FOR THE COW, HAHA!


EXCHANGE #4:
Him (putting down drink in front of Gabi): Here. You want some mud cake? I think you should have some mud cake.
Gabi: No thanks.
Him (moving around to give GTD his drink, unable to take his eyes off Gabi and stumbling on a step): Oh my god! Oh my god!
GTD: It's alright. Doesn't matter.
Him: No! I'll get you another one! I've never seen that step before! Oh my god! (beats rapid retreat, wringing hands and cursing self on way back to the bar)


EXCHANGE #5:
Him (noting that Gabi's boyfriend Luscy is outside having a cigarette): I just have to say that you look very gorgeous tonight. You look very gorgeous in your red dress.
Gabi: Thank-you.
Him: No, the red, it just...you look so gorgeous. So beautiful. I know you have a boyfriend, but I just wanted to say this. I must say this.
Gabi (starting to become acutely embarrassed and uncomfortable): Okay. Thanks.
Him (suddenly noticing that I'm at the table too, hastily tacking on compliment so I don't feel left out): Oh. You look nice too.
Me: Gee. Thanks.


EXCHANGE #6:
Him (as we're leaving): So nice to see you again! (Suddenly acting like pantomime schoolteacher, comically wagging finger at Gabi) I'll go get the cow! Be careful! I'll go get the cow! WATCH OUT FOR THE COW!

I always knew my best friend was hot and enchanted men, but last night it simply got in the way of our fucking meal. She'll either have to learn to strap those puppies up or accept that one day some love-struck fool will stumble and tip a plate of bolognaise sauce down her front.




*Yes, I am very popular and get invited to many parties. It is a cross I must bear because I am so utterly charming.

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